It’s Easter Sunday what a special day. He is risen! He has overcome so that we may live in his freedom. It’s only now that I can see how I haven’t been living in his freedom in the true sense for such a long time. This second chance this new lease on the life given back to me will see me learn to live truly in his freedom.

I’m still ovulating today so I am in a lot of pain and am still having hot flushes as well, which is really interesting.  Just goes to show what a mess my hormones are in.

Spent the day with family today which was lovely. We got a call from the nursing home to say that Marc’s father is not well at all and may be septic. They said that he may not make it through the next few days. Dad has been struggling for such a long time with a long-standing awful chronic brain disease. Watching this journey, helplessly from the sidelines has been very very painful for us all.

What a shock, we seem to go from one challenge to another. Thank goodness that we do not have to do alone and that the good Lord is always with us. It’s been such a big day-to-day emotionally and physically.  I am very tired and achy tonight and cannot wait to lie down in my bed.

It’s Easter Saturday and time for sleep in and some special time with my husband. It’s so rare that we get to spend some quiet time alone.

My ovaries are going crazy it’s like they know they’re about to be cut from my body and are trying their best to impress me with a last-ditch effort. I keep telling them they can stop their done enough they don’t need to work any more but they are not listening.  Trust me to have over achieving ovaries too.

I’m very tired, distracted, easily lost in thought, wandering up and down the hallway, and very very achy today. I’m so glad it is a home day.

I am really looking forward to a quiet night at home and then a lovely Easter Sunday with my church family.  This is a day of rest before the new beginning.  A bit of a metaphor for me in there I think…

Happy Good Friday!  What a special day…..  Feeling so thankful for my Jesus and all of the blessings He has bestowed upon me.  After all He has given me a second chance at life! 

Went to one of Marc’s musician friends houses today for afternoon tea.  Got a great recipe for Sugar, Wheat and Dairy free Caramel slice.  It is quite eye opening just how many families are eating less processed foods and how much better they feel.

Then we went out to dinner with some of Marc’s friends, it was a lovely night, spending time with people that are important to us.  By the end of the night I am exhausted, I have not rested at all and oh boy my body is letting me know enough is enough…

This cold is still here and I’m not sleeping great at all. I had acupuncture and lymphatic massage today, these complimentary therapies make such a difference. It’s frustrating though that despite having private health cover these therapies are rarely recognised and supported.

Another reason that this health crisis is so challenging, not only do you not have a means to earn money, but if you want to get well sooner or at all you need to pay for treatment that is very expensive.

We had a Passover Communion Supper with our connect group tonight.  What a special night.  The sense of gratitude we all shared for our Saviour and all He has done for us was significant and beautiful to behold.

My hair is growing back!  I have about 2-3 mm all over my head!  It feels really nice to rub.  I’m still achy all over, today has been a better day with energy (perhaps the acupuncture) but I know I need to look after myself.  Something I have never thought about before.  Not before cancer anyway, I was always last on my very long list.

I feel like the world is screaming for me to hurry up and get back to things but “no”! I need to stop, take stock, do things differently and focus on want is important.  BUSY no more……. Especially for the sake of it.

I’m really struggling to sleep well, it’s hard when your bed feels like a frying pan. I think my hot flushes have been less frequent today but I also feel like I’m beginning to ovulate. This shouldn’t be possible, as I have been in forced menopause, BUT I’ve had to stop the Tamoxifen in preparation for surgery in two weeks time.  It is so complex, but there is medication and supplements I need to stop as they can cause bleeding when you have surgery, not a complication I need to have.

I spent a day at home are mostly I’m still really sore and achy but I did Pilates and it felt great. It’s so important to move my body.  My brain tells me that the aches and pains mean I shouldn’t move but it’s the exact opposite I need to move to deal with them.

I can’t believe it’s only two weeks until my next operation; I’m trying really hard to get in the right headspace for it. At this stage I’m planning on having my second breast removed and my ovaries removed.  My ovaries are to be removed to minimise the chances for the cancer to returning.

I feel like it should be easy because I been here before and this stage is prevention rather than dealing with active cancer. However, I’ve been such a horrible head space the so long now I’m struggling to be positive about anything.

I still have my cold I’m beginning to think it’s becoming a permanent resident. On of my wonderful friends from university visited today with his little boy, gosh it was wonderful to see them.

Friends that stick with you through the good times and bad are worth more than gold.  If you have people like this in your world please take care of those relationships. It just means so much when they show up and spend time with you just because you’re you. 

I really pray that I can pay this forward one day and be a friend like this to someone in need.  In fact I pray and am already that friend.

I went to the movies this afternoon with my family and saw the movie “Noah”. Such a famous biblical story and I’m not sure what I feel about the movie. I am glad however that I can still go to the movies with my family its something that I can still enjoy doing.

My mood continues to be black and I feel lost and I just don’t feel like myself. My hot flushes are out of control and I feel really cold as well – it’s the weirdest thing going from being on fire to being a freezing cold. All I can think to do is just keep eating nourishing food, moving my body in the way I’ve been taught and keeping my thinking on track I don’t know what else I can do to try and gain back some sense of normalcy.

I just pray my family is still hanging in there with me while I am stuck in this horrible place.  If you are supporting someone through chronic illness, hang in there, they may feel like they are losing themselves, and may take out there frustrations on you.  Just know it is not you, but their struggle and they need you now more than ever.

This bloody cold is still hanging on, so annoying! My mood is also still all over the place, I really don’t know what to do about it. It can’t be PMT because my cycle has been stopped by the medication. Is this part of menopause?

I went and saw the accountant today, this is one of my most feared activities. I’ve had so many issues with the ATO over the years that the idea of seeing an accountant strikes fear in my heart. Thankfully the appointment went well.

We are trying to plan some holidays to ensure that we have some quality time. That’s been a real struggle. I hope it’s not because no one wants to spend time with such an angry Bear of a woman. Sometimes I even want to run away from myself and how on earth do you do that?

I’m still having awful hot flashes, no energy, achy body, forgetful brain and horrible black moods.  Seriously, I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I keep reading that I need to take it one day the time, I see this and I understand this but it’s really hard not to project these horrible days into the future and wonder what it is all for.  If I can’t stand myself, why should anyone else?

Today is one of my family’s birthday. It’s a Sunday so we went to church and then went to the shops to get something to bless her with. I really struggle with the shops, everything in my body aches and walking around is hard.  The crowds frustrate me (people bump into you so much, you don’t realize until your body hurts like mine) and my hot flushes leave me in a state of panic.

It ends up being a busy day with the shopping and preparing the meal but we had a lovely day. This is one of the ways that I try and give back by blessing others and doing the things that I would normally do.  I am usually the one who cooks the birthday meal and cake.  I probably could let it go, but it makes me feel like something in my world is sort of normal.

I’m really struggling with my mood at the moment. I’m feeling frustrated, angry, sad and completely unable to be pleased. It is wreaking havoc, for my husband and I, it’s like I have permanent PMT.

I don’t know if it’s me or him or both of us.  It could be because I am so achy and tired and it also could be my hormones.  I try to talk to him but he keeps shutting down. He’s probably worried about what I will say because I’m so angry and frustrated. Not sure what to do about this one but need to work out a way through.

I saw the physio today and got a few more exercises to focus on my large muscle groups this includes my legs my stomach and my back. I didn’t know this but these muscle groups lose strength during chronic illness.  I also didn’t know that general anesthetic also causes you to turn off your core muscles. All of these things that make the recovery process so much harder.

Interestingly, all things that my specialists and medical doctors have not told me about.  It is almost like, we’ve cut, poisoned and medicated you, what else is there?  Whether they don’t know I am not sure, but it seems critical to me recovering.  The session felt good. Ideally I should do the exercises every day and a minimum two times a week. I already feel more empowered.

The physio Matt warned me that it takes 4 to 6 weeks to get the cortisol and chemo toxins out of the muscles after the workout starts. He also said this could make me feel really sore, tired and achy.  I already feel like this so I potentially will feel worse. At least I know what I’m aiming for.

I still have my friend “the cold”, I’m still having hot flushes every few moments and aching and tired. I just want to go to bed, to forget about the world, but we have dinner with some old friends tonight I’m sure I will feel better after this.

I know it feels easier to hide away but these connections are really important.  I need to remind myself that life is more than dragging myself trough each day.

So today I had a lymphatic massage – Yay!  If you haven’t tried one, please do, they are so gentle and good for you.  My cold is still really gross but a little better which is the only reason I left the house today.

I decided today to reduce my calorie intake get under control as a want to lose excess weight that I gained through treatment. This is not only to feel better, to feel like myself again, but also to decrease the risk of the cancer returning.

Every fat cell that we have in our bodies creates estrogen and I need my circulating estrogen to be as low as possible.  This is one of the ways to keep myself safe from the return of this insidious disease.

The problem? Well not only does Tamoxifen and menopause mean that it’s really hard to lose weight. But I my body is so toxic from the chemotherapy that the weight is hanging onto my body to try and protect me from these toxins as it’s a great place to store them. I am so achy that exercise is ridiculously painful.  Even stretching can render me unable to move properly for days. My muscles are so inflamed. I’ve really got a fight on my hands.

Add to that hypothyroidism from Hashimotos, and I am almost beyond help.  I look at a chocolate bar and gain weight……

Another complication, if I needed it was that the extreme fatigue that I feel causes me to really crave carbohydrates. And I’m not talking the beautiful fibrous veggie carbohydrates, oh no no no. I crave the sweet highly processed highly addictive kind.

I’m going to combine nutrition guidelines that the daily income intake of 1200 calories.  I also need to keep a diary so I actually know what I am taking in and keep it at that amount.   It’s time for me to back control.  This is the theory anyways……