Wowsers!  What a big day today. I have a coaching call then I’m off to my GP to get my insurance forms completed. I then had acupuncture and Tattooing session back-to-back for my eyebrows and eyelashes. Yes I am still as bald as a badger.

I’m feeling quite yucky today, sad, angry, frustrated, uncomfortable, in pain and grieving. I don’t want to be stripped of my womanhood. I’m sick of feeling sick.

I got into the doctor’s surgery and she kindly asked me how I am and I just broke down. She wants to prescribe antidepressants to help with hot flushes and my mood. I don’t know how I feel about this I need to think about.

Acupuncture was great, my therapist gave me a big hug and said “let it out!”  So I did. She explained that e-motion means energy in motion. That we need to allow our feelings to move to be processed we shouldn’t sit on them and allow them to fester.

I find myself keeping it all in, so I am together and trying to protect those around me….. Not the best idea.

I told her that I meditated this morning and she explained that this probably opened up the channel for the emotions to surface. I’m feeling so tired and overwhelmed. So sick, bloated, achy and just gross. Lord help me.

Up early to attend “wellness woman” today. This is like a business breakfast the women focused on wellness whether they work in the industry will want to be well. I am sort of coming from both sides.

It was really great to meet like minded women who are committed to making a difference. It was also great to see my friend Tammy she’s been such an awesome support through this process. I also have them also sugar wheat and dairy free food which was YUM!

I had something called an acugraph done (it measures the energy meridians of the body) and the woman said that my she Qi or life force was the best of anyone in the room. Then she said whatever I’m doing keep doing it. Nice!

However she said my immune system was very low and I need to keep focusing on rebuilding it. Not surprising considering I’ve just completed chemo.

So we had Connect group tonight, I got my ugly support bras and my pyjamas for hospital too. I’m still feeling pushed and yuck as the next surgery day is fast approaching. I need to remind myself to keep leaning in to stop striving and allow God to hold me in his arms.

I saw the geneticist Saturday, no BRCA gene but something genetic is going on.  They explained that whenever cancer comes before the age of 50 it’s usually genetic or environmental.  They will put all the information into a letter, they are mostly concerned for my niece. Both her mum and her grandmother had breast cancer.  As well as ovarian cancer on her Dad’s side of her family.  I am believing that she will be protected from any of this experience.

It’s funny before my diagnosis I had no interest in finding out if I had the BRCA gene.  Now that I know I have cancer, I’m more open to the idea of prevention and being empowered with information. I knew that if I was told I had cancer in my genes before I was diagnosed that I could have worried myself into the illness.  The power of the mind……

I had coffee with one of the women from my support group, it was so nice. She shared a list of great books to read I think she will become a very good friend. It’s so nice to sit with someone who really understands what you’re going through.

Saw the plastic surgeon today and I need to get bra’s before surgery. They are not sexy, lovely, pretty bras but really ugly support bras. He is helpful and positive of a good result I need to prepay both him and the anesthetist. It will be another few thousand dollars before the expansion process is finished. Despite having private health cover it is still an expensive journey.

He said it will be a minimum of 6 to 12 months for the expansion process and he said that my chest will feel cold and weird. I can hardly imagine. Sam came home today was lovely to receive a big hug.

It’s Sunday today so we are up and ready for church early then I go to my girlfriends for lunch. It’s so important to remain connected with people that fill you up, that understand you and breathe life into you.

This is a friend of mine who is also in business for herself very similar to my business before my illness. She is so busy with her business, which is just great. Part of me really misses it. But I also feel in two minds. I know I cannot go back to working the way I was. I was exhausted, I’m sure it contributed to me becoming sick.  I don’t want to be so driven for work to be so relentless. But I need to build a profitable self-sufficient and sustainable business.

I want a business that makes a difference in the lives of everyday people. That helps me fulfil my purpose in this world. I know God wants me to do this and I know the way will appear at the right time.

Until then I need to lean into him and focus on getting well. This will be a challenge as patience has not been a virtue of mine.  When God says “I am the lamp to your feet,” I’m the sort of person who wants a floodlight shining 5 km ahead.  Trusting completely in God and being in the moment are skills I’m still working on.

I had a better sleep last night, but I still wake feeling so sore and stiff. We go back to normal life today after our spa and massages.

I spent some quiet time in the bath in hotel today and I was praying about why am struggling so much with his next surgery. It’s really baffled me how I could be so calm after being diagnosed with cancer yet this second surgery, the preventative surgery has got me all tied up in knots.

While I was praying about it, God revealed to me that I’m trying to do all of this in my strength not in his. My goodness what a revelation! It’s so true, when I was on my knees waiting for the cancer diagnosis I gave everything to God. Since then, I’m back in my own strength trying to do it all myself and of course I’m struggling. Thank you Lord for the powerful reminder.

After having such a lovely warm spa and massage Marc and I both want to get a spa now, we’ll put that on the bucket list. But back home this afternoon money comes home tonight, Sam home tomorrow.  I’m feeling overwhelmed as this month has flown and surgery is upon me very soon.  I will remember to lean into God and not to do in my strength. I got two more good books today about breast cancer, more reading, more learning, more understanding.

What a horrible night’s sleep, I have no fan so I’m struggling with the hot flushes its a new room which normally spells disaster for me so all in all a recipe for a poor night’s sleep.

Had a lovely quiet morning with Marc, waking to the last post at five in the morning was just divine! Being ANZAC weekend, it’s a really special time for us here in Australia.

It was a drive for the service but the rain fell for the March. We had a view of the march from a window which was just so special. I’m feeling very emotional and thankful for the sacrifice that our soldiers made so that we may live in freedom.

It just makes me think on how precious life is and how we shouldn’t waste a single moment. It’s interesting how different experiences in life can make you sit back and take stock and realise just all that you have been blessed with.

I’m feeling full of gratitude tonight.

My youngest Sam goes to his Nan’s tonight in Queensland.  I miss him already and I know he’s not 100% sure about seeing his Dad. His Dad has not been doing too well, he’s been drinking a lot and not behaving like a Dad should with Sam (Nurturing and protecting him).

I want to protect Sam so much but they also know that I can’t protect him from everything. He will be safe with his Nan, and he also needs to see his Dad. It is so hard when the people you love get hurt and are hurt but those who should be protecting them.  Parenting after Divorce is so challenging.  Trying to work collaboratively when the other party is not willing and looking after your child is so difficult.

But still, we must continue to try and build relationships so that our kids can have the best relationship with each parent.

It’s been such a stressful day, trying to get organised to get Sam packed and Marc and I too as we are going for away for a weekend.  Even with all that is happening, Marc and I still try and prioritise some “us” time.

I find myself like a three-year-old chucking a tantrum and saying it’s just not worth it. I’m so tired and sore, I have no patience and I just want to lie down. The one Sam is at the airport and we are in our room the first glass of champagne helps me relax.

Although it’s been really hard to get here it’s really important for Mark and I do spend quality time together, we really just don’t get enough of it.

I’m still having hot flushes but they are less frequent and less intense, they are still worse at night. This tells me that the Tamoxifen really contributes to the hot flushes.  Since I have stopped it for surgery I can really see what it is doing to me.  Josh goes home tonight, it always goes so fast.  Marc misses him so much when he goes home. We all do, but it is very hard for him as a father….

I did Pilates again today. It is quite hard, my body is getting sorer and sorer but I know I need to do it. I wrestle with this fear in my head that pain equals damage.  My physio has been working with me to change this idea. I’ve actively got to challenge my thoughts. Since being diagnosed with cancer pain equals fear / damage and anything bad in my head.

I’m struggling with the idea that surgery is only 10 days away. I feel like it’s just too fast, I’m not ready to feel like I did after surgery last time. Lord please help me to be still and lean into you. I cannot do this but you can.

This cold still has its grip. I wake so achy and sore each morning and the cold just makes it worse. I limp all the way to the bathroom first thing in the morning, like a wounded cockroach. My body slowly warms up a little, and my movement gets less awkward.  But I still ache all the time.  Such chronic pain like this just ages you.

I seriously feel like an 80-year-old in a 40-year-olds body, when in my head I still feel 16 how weird!

I saw the first round of photos from the photographer today, I’m really happy with them. So glad I decided to capture this journey with photos. My only regret is not having some photos done pre-surgery.  If you are on a similar journey I encourage you to get some professional shots done, or even ones with your own camera.  Pictures tell the story in such a unique way.

Marc’s oldest child Josh arrived today for a quick two-day visit, it’s always great to see him. Sam my youngest is just taller than him, he is growing so fast.  We spent a lovely day catching up and spending quality time. I did Pilates again, today man it hurts.

I’ve stopped Tamoxifen but now I’m stopping a few other supplements before surgery. Things like fish oil can cause internal bleeding. I never knew.  I wonder if I’ll get my cycle before the surgery, anything is possible considering that I shouldn’t have even ovulated.

I did Pilates again today, man it hurts I need to tell myself that the pain feels good. We had lunch with some lovely friends today it is always nice and then Sam, Marc and I went to the movies.  This is one of my favourite things to do; getting lost in someone else’s story is a great way for me to wind down and relax.

Marc’s oldest child comes tomorrow for a visit which is always fun, we can wait to see him.  I am so sore after Pilates, I really need to visualise the toxins leaving my body otherwise it’s just too much and I want to hide in my bed.  Not the best way to get better…