Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Month: September 2016

Feeling full of Gratitude

gratitudeWhat a horrible night’s sleep, I have no fan so I’m struggling with the hot flushes its a new room which normally spells disaster for me so all in all a recipe for a poor night’s sleep.

Had a lovely quiet morning with Marc, waking to the last post at five in the morning was just divine! Being ANZAC weekend, it’s a really special time for us here in Australia.

It was a drive for the service but the rain fell for the March. We had a view of the march from a window which was just so special. I’m feeling very emotional and thankful for the sacrifice that our soldiers made so that we may live in freedom.

It just makes me think on how precious life is and how we shouldn’t waste a single moment. It’s interesting how different experiences in life can make you sit back and take stock and realise just all that you have been blessed with.

I’m feeling full of gratitude tonight.

The kids are away

awayMy youngest Sam goes to his Nan’s tonight in Queensland.  I miss him already and I know he’s not 100% sure about seeing his Dad. His Dad has not been doing too well, he’s been drinking a lot and not behaving like a Dad should with Sam (Nurturing and protecting him).

I want to protect Sam so much but they also know that I can’t protect him from everything. He will be safe with his Nan, and he also needs to see his Dad. It is so hard when the people you love get hurt and are hurt but those who should be protecting them.  Parenting after Divorce is so challenging.  Trying to work collaboratively when the other party is not willing and looking after your child is so difficult.

But still, we must continue to try and build relationships so that our kids can have the best relationship with each parent.

It’s been such a stressful day, trying to get organised to get Sam packed and Marc and I too as we are going for away for a weekend.  Even with all that is happening, Marc and I still try and prioritise some “us” time.

I find myself like a three-year-old chucking a tantrum and saying it’s just not worth it. I’m so tired and sore, I have no patience and I just want to lie down. The one Sam is at the airport and we are in our room the first glass of champagne helps me relax.

Although it’s been really hard to get here it’s really important for Mark and I do spend quality time together, we really just don’t get enough of it.

Pain Equals Fear

painfearI’m still having hot flushes but they are less frequent and less intense, they are still worse at night. This tells me that the Tamoxifen really contributes to the hot flushes.  Since I have stopped it for surgery I can really see what it is doing to me.  Josh goes home tonight, it always goes so fast.  Marc misses him so much when he goes home. We all do, but it is very hard for him as a father….

I did Pilates again today. It is quite hard, my body is getting sorer and sorer but I know I need to do it. I wrestle with this fear in my head that pain equals damage.  My physio has been working with me to change this idea. I’ve actively got to challenge my thoughts. Since being diagnosed with cancer pain equals fear / damage and anything bad in my head.

I’m struggling with the idea that surgery is only 10 days away. I feel like it’s just too fast, I’m not ready to feel like I did after surgery last time. Lord please help me to be still and lean into you. I cannot do this but you can.

Still Cold…

cold-winterThis cold still has its grip. I wake so achy and sore each morning and the cold just makes it worse. I limp all the way to the bathroom first thing in the morning, like a wounded cockroach. My body slowly warms up a little, and my movement gets less awkward.  But I still ache all the time.  Such chronic pain like this just ages you.

I seriously feel like an 80-year-old in a 40-year-olds body, when in my head I still feel 16 how weird!

I saw the first round of photos from the photographer today, I’m really happy with them. So glad I decided to capture this journey with photos. My only regret is not having some photos done pre-surgery.  If you are on a similar journey I encourage you to get some professional shots done, or even ones with your own camera.  Pictures tell the story in such a unique way.

Marc’s oldest child Josh arrived today for a quick two-day visit, it’s always great to see him. Sam my youngest is just taller than him, he is growing so fast.  We spent a lovely day catching up and spending quality time. I did Pilates again, today man it hurts.

Preparation for the big snip!

Hand turning the word Unprepared into Prepared with red marker isolated on white.

I’ve stopped Tamoxifen but now I’m stopping a few other supplements before surgery. Things like fish oil can cause internal bleeding. I never knew.  I wonder if I’ll get my cycle before the surgery, anything is possible considering that I shouldn’t have even ovulated.

I did Pilates again today, man it hurts I need to tell myself that the pain feels good. We had lunch with some lovely friends today it is always nice and then Sam, Marc and I went to the movies.  This is one of my favourite things to do; getting lost in someone else’s story is a great way for me to wind down and relax.

Marc’s oldest child comes tomorrow for a visit which is always fun, we can wait to see him.  I am so sore after Pilates, I really need to visualise the toxins leaving my body otherwise it’s just too much and I want to hide in my bed.  Not the best way to get better…

From one challenge to the next

It’s Easter Sunday what a special day. He is risen! He has overcome so that we may live in his freedom. It’s only now that I can see how I haven’t been living in his freedom in the true sense for such a long time. This second chance this new lease on the life given back to me will see me learn to live truly in his freedom.ID:53285953

I’m still ovulating today so I am in a lot of pain and am still having hot flushes as well, which is really interesting.  Just goes to show what a mess my hormones are in.

Spent the day with family today which was lovely. We got a call from the nursing home to say that Marc’s father is not well at all and may be septic. They said that he may not make it through the next few days. Dad has been struggling for such a long time with a long-standing awful chronic brain disease. Watching this journey, helplessly from the sidelines has been very very painful for us all.

What a shock, we seem to go from one challenge to another. Thank goodness that we do not have to do alone and that the good Lord is always with us. It’s been such a big day-to-day emotionally and physically.  I am very tired and achy tonight and cannot wait to lie down in my bed.

Easter Saturday, nice and quiet

easterIt’s Easter Saturday and time for sleep in and some special time with my husband. It’s so rare that we get to spend some quiet time alone.

My ovaries are going crazy it’s like they know they’re about to be cut from my body and are trying their best to impress me with a last-ditch effort. I keep telling them they can stop their done enough they don’t need to work any more but they are not listening.  Trust me to have over achieving ovaries too.

I’m very tired, distracted, easily lost in thought, wandering up and down the hallway, and very very achy today. I’m so glad it is a home day.

I am really looking forward to a quiet night at home and then a lovely Easter Sunday with my church family.  This is a day of rest before the new beginning.  A bit of a metaphor for me in there I think…

Good Friday

Happy Good Friday!  What a special day…..  Feeling so thankful for my Jesus and all of the blessings He has bestowed upon me.  After all He has given me a second chance at life! Good-Friday-Crown

Went to one of Marc’s musician friends houses today for afternoon tea.  Got a great recipe for Sugar, Wheat and Dairy free Caramel slice.  It is quite eye opening just how many families are eating less processed foods and how much better they feel.

Then we went out to dinner with some of Marc’s friends, it was a lovely night, spending time with people that are important to us.  By the end of the night I am exhausted, I have not rested at all and oh boy my body is letting me know enough is enough…

The world screams for me to come back

Coming_BackThis cold is still here and I’m not sleeping great at all. I had acupuncture and lymphatic massage today, these complimentary therapies make such a difference. It’s frustrating though that despite having private health cover these therapies are rarely recognised and supported.

Another reason that this health crisis is so challenging, not only do you not have a means to earn money, but if you want to get well sooner or at all you need to pay for treatment that is very expensive.

We had a Passover Communion Supper with our connect group tonight.  What a special night.  The sense of gratitude we all shared for our Saviour and all He has done for us was significant and beautiful to behold.

My hair is growing back!  I have about 2-3 mm all over my head!  It feels really nice to rub.  I’m still achy all over, today has been a better day with energy (perhaps the acupuncture) but I know I need to look after myself.  Something I have never thought about before.  Not before cancer anyway, I was always last on my very long list.

I feel like the world is screaming for me to hurry up and get back to things but “no”! I need to stop, take stock, do things differently and focus on want is important.  BUSY no more……. Especially for the sake of it.