I’m really struggling to sleep well, it’s hard when your bed feels like a frying pan. I think my hot flushes have been less frequent today but I also feel like I’m beginning to ovulate. This shouldn’t be possible, as I have been in forced menopause, BUT I’ve had to stop the Tamoxifen in preparation for surgery in two weeks time.  It is so complex, but there is medication and supplements I need to stop as they can cause bleeding when you have surgery, not a complication I need to have.

I spent a day at home are mostly I’m still really sore and achy but I did Pilates and it felt great. It’s so important to move my body.  My brain tells me that the aches and pains mean I shouldn’t move but it’s the exact opposite I need to move to deal with them.

I can’t believe it’s only two weeks until my next operation; I’m trying really hard to get in the right headspace for it. At this stage I’m planning on having my second breast removed and my ovaries removed.  My ovaries are to be removed to minimise the chances for the cancer to returning.

I feel like it should be easy because I been here before and this stage is prevention rather than dealing with active cancer. However, I’ve been such a horrible head space the so long now I’m struggling to be positive about anything.

I still have my cold I’m beginning to think it’s becoming a permanent resident. On of my wonderful friends from university visited today with his little boy, gosh it was wonderful to see them.

Friends that stick with you through the good times and bad are worth more than gold.  If you have people like this in your world please take care of those relationships. It just means so much when they show up and spend time with you just because you’re you. 

I really pray that I can pay this forward one day and be a friend like this to someone in need.  In fact I pray and am already that friend.

I went to the movies this afternoon with my family and saw the movie “Noah”. Such a famous biblical story and I’m not sure what I feel about the movie. I am glad however that I can still go to the movies with my family its something that I can still enjoy doing.

My mood continues to be black and I feel lost and I just don’t feel like myself. My hot flushes are out of control and I feel really cold as well – it’s the weirdest thing going from being on fire to being a freezing cold. All I can think to do is just keep eating nourishing food, moving my body in the way I’ve been taught and keeping my thinking on track I don’t know what else I can do to try and gain back some sense of normalcy.

I just pray my family is still hanging in there with me while I am stuck in this horrible place.  If you are supporting someone through chronic illness, hang in there, they may feel like they are losing themselves, and may take out there frustrations on you.  Just know it is not you, but their struggle and they need you now more than ever.

This bloody cold is still hanging on, so annoying! My mood is also still all over the place, I really don’t know what to do about it. It can’t be PMT because my cycle has been stopped by the medication. Is this part of menopause?

I went and saw the accountant today, this is one of my most feared activities. I’ve had so many issues with the ATO over the years that the idea of seeing an accountant strikes fear in my heart. Thankfully the appointment went well.

We are trying to plan some holidays to ensure that we have some quality time. That’s been a real struggle. I hope it’s not because no one wants to spend time with such an angry Bear of a woman. Sometimes I even want to run away from myself and how on earth do you do that?

I’m still having awful hot flashes, no energy, achy body, forgetful brain and horrible black moods.  Seriously, I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I keep reading that I need to take it one day the time, I see this and I understand this but it’s really hard not to project these horrible days into the future and wonder what it is all for.  If I can’t stand myself, why should anyone else?

Today is one of my family’s birthday. It’s a Sunday so we went to church and then went to the shops to get something to bless her with. I really struggle with the shops, everything in my body aches and walking around is hard.  The crowds frustrate me (people bump into you so much, you don’t realize until your body hurts like mine) and my hot flushes leave me in a state of panic.

It ends up being a busy day with the shopping and preparing the meal but we had a lovely day. This is one of the ways that I try and give back by blessing others and doing the things that I would normally do.  I am usually the one who cooks the birthday meal and cake.  I probably could let it go, but it makes me feel like something in my world is sort of normal.

I’m really struggling with my mood at the moment. I’m feeling frustrated, angry, sad and completely unable to be pleased. It is wreaking havoc, for my husband and I, it’s like I have permanent PMT.

I don’t know if it’s me or him or both of us.  It could be because I am so achy and tired and it also could be my hormones.  I try to talk to him but he keeps shutting down. He’s probably worried about what I will say because I’m so angry and frustrated. Not sure what to do about this one but need to work out a way through.

I saw the physio today and got a few more exercises to focus on my large muscle groups this includes my legs my stomach and my back. I didn’t know this but these muscle groups lose strength during chronic illness.  I also didn’t know that general anesthetic also causes you to turn off your core muscles. All of these things that make the recovery process so much harder.

Interestingly, all things that my specialists and medical doctors have not told me about.  It is almost like, we’ve cut, poisoned and medicated you, what else is there?  Whether they don’t know I am not sure, but it seems critical to me recovering.  The session felt good. Ideally I should do the exercises every day and a minimum two times a week. I already feel more empowered.

The physio Matt warned me that it takes 4 to 6 weeks to get the cortisol and chemo toxins out of the muscles after the workout starts. He also said this could make me feel really sore, tired and achy.  I already feel like this so I potentially will feel worse. At least I know what I’m aiming for.

I still have my friend “the cold”, I’m still having hot flushes every few moments and aching and tired. I just want to go to bed, to forget about the world, but we have dinner with some old friends tonight I’m sure I will feel better after this.

I know it feels easier to hide away but these connections are really important.  I need to remind myself that life is more than dragging myself trough each day.

So today I had a lymphatic massage – Yay!  If you haven’t tried one, please do, they are so gentle and good for you.  My cold is still really gross but a little better which is the only reason I left the house today.

I decided today to reduce my calorie intake get under control as a want to lose excess weight that I gained through treatment. This is not only to feel better, to feel like myself again, but also to decrease the risk of the cancer returning.

Every fat cell that we have in our bodies creates estrogen and I need my circulating estrogen to be as low as possible.  This is one of the ways to keep myself safe from the return of this insidious disease.

The problem? Well not only does Tamoxifen and menopause mean that it’s really hard to lose weight. But I my body is so toxic from the chemotherapy that the weight is hanging onto my body to try and protect me from these toxins as it’s a great place to store them. I am so achy that exercise is ridiculously painful.  Even stretching can render me unable to move properly for days. My muscles are so inflamed. I’ve really got a fight on my hands.

Add to that hypothyroidism from Hashimotos, and I am almost beyond help.  I look at a chocolate bar and gain weight……

Another complication, if I needed it was that the extreme fatigue that I feel causes me to really crave carbohydrates. And I’m not talking the beautiful fibrous veggie carbohydrates, oh no no no. I crave the sweet highly processed highly addictive kind.

I’m going to combine nutrition guidelines that the daily income intake of 1200 calories.  I also need to keep a diary so I actually know what I am taking in and keep it at that amount.   It’s time for me to back control.  This is the theory anyways……

“Oh great!” my day of self nurturing and self-care and I wake with a cold. I sort of knew that I might get from Eliza. That’s what happens when you’re with kids we share everything.

So it’s not a great day; I am cranky, tired and aching. I spent the entire day in bed with hot flushes and a fever, it is really hard to tell what’s what.  All I know is that I am on fire and it is not in a good way!  It’s such a burden being so hot…….. you have to laugh don’t you?

I’m so unwell I cannot even enjoy lying in bed watching TV.  I cannot focus enough to read, I am too cranky to be around another Human without offending them or wanting to hurt them… so it is me, myself and I…

I slept a little better last night. But had to take endone and sleeping tablets to get me through. I still wake on fire with the hot flushes and don’t know that any sleeping pill invented that can keep me sleep while I’m slowly self-combusting from the inside out.

I have the lovely Eliza again today and I’m feeling a little cranky. It’s just one of those days and I’m really trying to learn how to manage my moods.  Bloody enforced menopause – again from the Tamoxifen and Zolladex..

I talked to my specialist team about the awful side effects and all they say is – “stop the Tamoxifen and the cancer will come back”-  Nothing like a threat against your life eh?

I am having less hot flushes today or it’s less noticeable, I’m achy and am really, really, really moody, I have completely no tolerance if I had a wick I lost it ages ago.  In fact I would say I am scary moody…

I’m looking forward to some quiet time tomorrow just to me. Funny though I really don’t know what to do with myself but I suppose that’s something I need to learn.  I am beginning to realise that my inability to self care and self nurture is part of the reason why I have ended up here;  If I am being completely honest with myself.  Sad hey…

Another completely horrible night I was really hot and the bones in my knees and hips ache so much. From what I understand from reading in the literature and from my mom’s own journey these other side-effects of Tamoxifen.  It is hard to explain bone pain but i wouldn’t recommend it to anyone…..

This drug ( Tamoxifen) is designed to protect me from the harmful effects of estrogen however the side-effects are absolutely horrifying. I don’t know if I can continue to experience these hot flushes and bone pain like I am at the moment. I really wonder if these tablets are to keep me alive is it worth me being alive and being, in chronic pain, and unable to function the way that I know I need and want to.  The quality over quantity debate rages within me.

I’m spending the day looking after ELiza today, hopefully it all goes well and I can cope. The poor little sweet pea has a cold 🙁

We got through the day, I was tired but we did really well. The joy that comes out of that little baby girl gives me the energy to push through when I’m really tired.  She just brings so much joy. By the end of the day I was really a key and hired. Having hot flushes at least five times in our. I really feel like I’m losing myself…