Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Tag: Complimentary medicine (page 1 of 2)

Ding Ding! Day 1 Round 3

day 1 r 3I am awake again from 2am but did not go back to sleep. Man I am tired, how can I not be exhausted. I haven’t slept well since mid November 2013 and I was exhausted before this all began.

Big day today, I will over the “hump” so to speak. Got my “Brave” t shirt on, acupuncture this morning to help with side effects. I shaved down for battle too as I had a light covering if hair that has tried to grow back only to fall out again soon after this next round.

At acupuncture, Amanda asked me about how I have been. I explained that I haven’t been resting out of guilt for not pulling my weight. She explained that guilt comes from a feeling of doing wrong, the only wrong I have been doing is not putting my health first. Ahhh, got it! A nice new way for me to approach things.   Certainly a more kind approach than my default.

Chemo goes ok today, my veins are not co-operating, they have sunk deep into my flesh, in an attempt to avoid the toxic assault. It does not work for long as they are coaxed out with a warm wrap.

My white cell count is too high so again less injections afterwards – Yay! As I sit there the toxic cloud descends, I am reminded of this familiar foe. As the headache begins and my stomach begins to protest and twist I decide to think of the fact that I am making progress, I have one more to go before the next stage, surgery. I am making it.

Only, 7 days to go of this pain and illness before the sun begins to shine again.   I can do it. Thank goodness for the journal which has really helped me map out how I respond to chemo. Such a blessing; please if you know anyone going through treatment like this encourage them to journal.

Tonight I sleep with the help of my new besties, “Endone and Valium.”  Bring on the rest, after being up for close to 20 hours, goodness knows I need it.

How dare they!

vulnerability-signsmaller-1024x682I woke early today, feeling pretty good actually. I did another 40 mins on my Pilates reformer, you know it feels great to move my body again. Marc and I then headed out to Cronulla to have breakfast with some friends in Cronulla.

On the way to Cronulla I get a message from my previous  GP saying he has received a requested to provide information and he is confused as to the context. I call him and he says my insurer has contacted him asking about my mental health. Bloody insurer, they are trying to discredit me already!! I make an appointment to see my GP that day.

I feel so insulted that they are trying to catch me in a lie.  I pride myself on being honest so this really hits me hard.  I know this is just a process but this has become very personal for me.

I then place a call to my Financial planner and leave a message. I am furious! What has my mental health history got to do with a breast cancer diagnosis? You see my background in the rehabilitation industry has seen on many occasions, good people having claims not honoured through a loop hole, I won’t let them do this to me!

Breakfast is lovely, right on the beach.  but I am dreadfully distracted buy the furore in my head.   I enjoy my food thinking tomorrow I will be as sick as a dog again so make the most of it. After breakfast I get a call back from my financial planner. He explains that the insurer is confused because in the past I have been quoted as having anxiety, stress and been prescribed valium. I explained that this was all to do with the IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), which is clearly stated in the insurance paperwork.

My poor Financial planner, he can hear how angry and insulted I am, he explains it is part of the process and they want to ensure I have not left out any important info in relation to my health. If I have then they will not honour the claim. I also find out they contacted a psychologist I saw years ago to have some counselling. Really private stuff and they just get to go through it.  I feel really exposed and traumatised. “How dare they!” I scream to myself.

Now I am feeling vulnerable and out of control. If I don’t get any financial support during my illness it will drastically change the course of my recovery. I may need to make financially driven decisions about do I or do I not have complimentary medicine? It is really expensive.

I realise how blessed I am to even have insurance as many do this the hard ay with none.  I take my hat off to anyone who has done this without insurance or without the financial backing to have what treatment you want to have.  Truly, I can’t imagine how hard it must be to go through this and to be in financial hardship.  To the point, Marc and I have survived by refinancing our mortgage.

My mind is going at 1000 miles per hour.   On the way home we pick up a friend of our son’s bring him home for a catch up, we make lunch, have some visitors, go shopping, make dinner, clean up, cover bloody school books and I fall into bed.

I know I am doing it early but I also know I am going to be out of action for the next week potentially after the next round of chemo. I am absolutely dreading the thought of tomorrow…….

I am challenged yet again

strong brainI have read and heard this very wise quote;

“We are not Human Doings. We are Human beings!” LIGHTBULB MOMEMT FOR ME. We need to be able to be still, to find quietness, to connect with ourselves and (for me) with God. Just be….. Honestly, this really challenges me. I am not sure if I even really understand what this means let alone how to do it.

However, it is particularly important for me as a travel this winding road that I pause and allow myself time to trust God, to give him my cares and concerns. He has promised to carry our burdens.

I am so much a person who was wired to define myself by my works, Am I good enough? Have I done enough? Will I be enough? This journey is teaching me that this is not the case. God has already said that “I am enough.”

He is my stopgap, I just need to lean into Him and all will be well. I really needed to do this today. Shopping was a nightmare. So many people. So much frustration in the air.

Sam and I had fun, we usually do. I am so thankful that he has such a wonderful disposition and sense of humor. He sees himself as responsible for making me laugh each day. How utterly beautiful is that?

We get the school stuff, Sam has a hair cut and by the time we get home I am literally exhausted! I am in bed with aching joints and a lagging persistent headache that will just not leave me alone.

I took Endone to help me sleep. The wonderfully helpful and insightful Edward Zia wrote a blog, click here to read it, about Marc and I and our story that he sent out into the world today. That was so thoughtful. His words were too kind.  He spoke of me as a warrior and being so tough.  Honestly, I am just putting one foot in front of the other and doing what I think is best for me and my family.  There is no toughness form my perspective,

Once again I find myself feeling so thankful for the people around us who just keep showing up and being there when we need it. Just amazing.

 

 

Finding my inner child

letting-your-inner-child-outI am awake at 230am in a complete sweat, I had to spray myself and stand in front of the fan to try and cool down. I eventually go back to bed, but it is only broken sleep interrupted by bouts of me being on fire.

My head feels cloudy today, unsure if it is because I had a glass of wine with dinner last night. Found it hard to say No at the lovely French restaurant.

I decide to do some light pilates today, try and get this body moving again. We also had a professional development session with one of my business mentors. Despite stopping work and pausing the business we decided to continue to invest in ourselves and in the business.

It was a great session in fact it is where the idea to blog is born! I feel so determined to share my experience so that others don’t feel alone. I know everything I have read has helped me to feel less weird and more part of a community of people experiencing similar things.

I saw the psychologist today, he was recommended by my Naturopath. She said that the shock of such a diagnosis and surgery etc can take quite a toll and also can sneak up on you. I have felt in coping mode since it all happened and wonder if I am ever going to crumble or lose it completely.

It was a really interesting session. There was a real focus on me and acceptance of myself. For me to focus on what I am doing that works and to learn to appreciate myself more. Such foreign concepts for me.  Another bonus is that he is a cancer survivor, so he knows what it’s like to be part of “the club.”

We identified that the part of me that had to grow up really quickly at 8 years old when my Mums cancer had spread to her bones has been a real driving force for me. Whenever things get tough I go into Mrs Fix it mode as the expense of my own well being. This little girl who needed to be loved and protected from the fears of her mum dying felt she had to forgo those and be the support for her family. Too much for a little girl to do. So its no wonder I turn into a workaholic, lacking the ability to nurture myself or be kind to myself.

So I will be learning to reconcile with that part of my past, I will learn to allow my inner child to know she is safe and loved and learn how to be carefree. Something I have no concept of.

Lots of learning here for me, but I am excited. I always promised myself I would take whatever I needed to take form this experience, to learn and grow. I will not go through this without taking from it all I can to become all that God has destined me to be.

I am already seeing how little I took care of myself. How I have always given so much to others but rarely replenished me. No wonder I have felt exhausted for so long. How exciting to find my inner child, to learn how to be carefree, to have fun, to fill myself up so that those in my world get the best of me!

Tonight we went our for dinner with our close friends to the Red Lantern in Surry Hills, such a yummy place to go. If you haven’t been please go, it is truly amazing Vietnamese cuisine. Even with my struggling taste buds it was amazing.

All in all a great day, a long one, but a great one. Now me and my inner child are going to bed.

How Long is this Bloody Valley??

sunrise out of darknessI woke at 530 am with a growing pain between my shoulder blades. Initially it felt like something literally stuck in my chest, the pain grew to be unbearable.

The pain just keeps growing, to the point where I don’t know what to do, I move, I take slow deep breaths, I walk, nothing eases it.   I lay there rolling about in pain, moaning, that too does not help.  I really don’t know what to do with myself.

After an hour of feeling like I was having a heart attack I get up and take some antacid, only out of complete desperation. After a second dose the pain began to shift. OMG, that was awful!!

Now I am almost afraid to move, so I make a note that on Day 6 post chemo this may happen. This is exactly why I decided to keep a journal. Apart from the feeling of “I am dying” on waking with his horrendous pain in my chest; I feel generally a little better today.

I still have toxic acidic burning diarrhea, a fuzzy head, I am in slo mo and my entire  body is sore ( like I’ve been hit by a bus).  Apart from that I feel better.

I saw my GP and had Acupuncture today. My GP at Sydney Integrative (Formerly U-Clinic) is wonderful. She listens, she helps, she is always willing to take the time. I am so grateful for her support.

I also had acupuncture today, it helps, it eases my symptoms, gives me relief from the pain and heat coming from my body. If you know of any one going through chemo and they are struggling please let them know that acupuncture may be of assistance. Gosh at the very least it is worth a try.

I am having weekly treatment with acupuncture particularly through the full on assault of chemo. I go home and rest. There is literally not much else my body will allow me to do. So rest I will.

I am believing that this is the beginning of the sun beginning to shine through the darkness of the valley I have been in. This is but a season and it too shall pass.

 

 

 The Valley continues

Valley 2 I did not sleep well at all, too much pain and heat for me to get much sleep. I was awake every hour or so, which adds to the exhaustion. Also, the nights are just so long and lonely.

Marc has always said for me to wake him, but one of us needs to be functioning, so I cant wake him all the time. Besides I am the daughter of a night shift worker – YOU DON’T WAKE UP A SLEEPING PERSON! I was trained well; sleep is far too precious.

I almost cry with gratitude when daylight comes. We spend a quiet day doing some light errands until early afternoon. I am so slow and sore. As we drive past people I see them smile and I think, “How can they?” “What is there to smile about?”

I  am so caught up in my own little toxic dark world. Even blinking seems too hard. My head and body feel thick, fuzzy and hot.   I have bone pain in my back, hips, legs and feet.

I had to give myself the injection again today. I didn’t count to three for quite as long as yesterday but I still took a while. It’s all the head games I play with myself.

So it’s back to bed for me. I hate the thought of it but if I had a tank it would be soooo empty right now.

I need to remember that this is temporary; this too shall pass. I am not stuck here, it is only for a short time and when I get through I will find myself, my energy and my smile again.

Day 2 post chemo – toxic city

toxin symbolIt may seem tedious but I am committed to keeping a daily journal through treatment as it helps me to manage symptoms, cycles and to plan ahead. If you or someone you know is going through a similar thing it can really help to identify patterns, discuss symptoms with their health team and help them to cope through forward planning. For example if you learn that days 2-8 are your worst then plan to look after yourself and rest as much as you can during those days.

I was told to expect days 2-7 to be the worst when it would slowly pick up until I felt good and was due for the next treatment. I’m also keen to count at this stage so I know when to expect that my hair may fall out.

I’m such a planner I want to know roughly when so that I am not like in public and suddenly my hair falls around my feet. You would not know the crap that goes on in my head. Imagine your hair just falling from your head all at once. I have – vividly!

So day 2, I woke through the night at 1230am, 130am, 330am, thinking I needed the loo due to my threatening bowel, each time was a complete false alarm. I’m up for the 8am church service. I feel like crap literally, but I need to go and seek the presence and peace of my God.

My head is fuzzy and achy. My tummy is percolating and I am not sure if I can eat, but I know I need too. I feel weak and shaky. I have tingling in my fingers and toes and my hands and feet are really hot. I also have this weird ache in each of my teeth like they may fall out, not nice at all.

I feel like have had the stuffing knocked out of me. I took Maxillon to help with the nausea and took it easy after church. It is Marc’s Fathers Birthday today so we go and see him for a birthday lunch. I didn’t cope too well but it was really important that we spend time with him.

Once I get home I hit the wall and go back to bed. I toss and turn as I am not able to get comfortable. I have really strong back and hip pain. It feels like it is right inside the bones. My tummy remains really upset and bloated.

I have been well prepped by the Hospital staff as to how to protect the family from me. For example, when I use the toilet I am to flush at least twice and wipe down the seat. I am not to share cutlery, crockery or toothbrushes. If Marc and I were to be intimate, we need to use condoms to protect him from how toxic I am.  Now that is scary stuff.

It just blows me away that I have subjected my body to such toxic stuff, but to be honest I don’t feel like I have a choice. If it were just me then I may feel more like playing roulette – You know see if totally natural and complimentary work, or just have surgery and go it alone BUT  I need to ensure I am around for my beautiful son Sam, as a birth parent I am all he has.

Beyond festivities of 2013 toward overwhelm

overwhelmSo 2013 is my first Christmas with Cancer personally. Due to my family history I have had cancer present and many Christmas celebrations just not in my body. I am trying to keep busy so as to distract myself I think.

It is such a fine line to walk when you need help as you are recovering, but are fiercely independent. It also gets very complicated when your family are so used to you just doing things that they don’t readily offer to help. This then requires me to ask! Something I do not do very well. It’s not that they wont help it just doesn’t occur to them, I suppose I have trained them well (not!).

Christmas comes and goes, it is pleasant and quiet. After Christmas we head up to the Hunter to see more of my family and to stay with some lovely close friends. We have a few days grace before Chemo starts. Something that is in my mind and I try desperately to block it out.

There are so many things weighing on my mind. Firstly, finances. We have an insurance policy in place but the analysis of my eligibility is taking a very long time. In the interim, I am not working and we are spending so much on treatment. Even with private cover we are at least tens of thousands out of pocket so far. That is also because I am doing the two-shoe shuffle using both medical and complimentary medicine. So between acupuncture, supplements, medicine, doctors appointments and surgery gaps it all adds up.

Other things weighing on my mind are the effects of Chemotherapy, what will it be like? I really have not idea what to expect here, how unwell will I be? Once I lose my hair I will no longer be able to go incognito, the game is up! How will my kids cope with a bald mum picking them up from school?

What about my mortality?  Although I do feel that I will get through this and be healed, I am still human and I do have doubts.  What if the cancer comes back?  What would I do?  What would my family do?  Am I ready for what that means?

The future is also weighing on my mind. Even if the cancer does not come back int he near future, how long will I feel like I do? So sore, fragile, emotionally knackered and physically tired. In some of the reading I’ve done some women never get over that. Will my capacity be different? Will I cope with full time crazy hours like I used to do? If not, how will I build a business that I have on my heart to build. I have a big message and a desire to share it, if anything that has only gotten stronger so things will need to change.

How is my family doing? They all seem ok but I know this dance you don’t want to upset the sick one so you keep it all inside. I did it my self for years with my Mum. I am not worried about my Husband we have been really open from the very start, almost offensively open. In fact, on the day I found out I had cancer I gave him an out. I said, “I don’t expect you to stay if you are not up for it.” Poor love was so offended that I didn’t believe in him. It was not that at all; more that I didn’t want to shackle him.

I also need to somehow keep the door open for my boy Samuel (or young man). I know he is scared that he may not have his Mum around and that I am his biggest fan, advocate, protector etc. Yes we have a wonderful blended family but the thought of losing me really frightens him. Yet as a big almost teenager he is trying to be tough and act as if all is well.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t want my family to be solemn and walk about sulking all day because of this, I just want us to be able to be real when we need to be. So I feel like it is my responsibility to create that environment. Now I just need to work out how……..

The needling begins….

acupuncture

Friday 20th December

Today is my first session with Amanda for acupuncture. I have had acupuncture before. My body responds well to it.

“So what is it?” I hear you say….   Acupuncture involves inserting fine needles into specific points on the skin – or applying various other techniques to the acupuncture points – to restore balance and encourage the body to heal itself. Scientific studies have shown the potential for acupuncture to be effective in treating many disorders. Acupuncture is effective and safe when performed by a skilled practitioner. Source (Better Health Channel Victoria, November 2011)

The first time I had acupuncture was when I was pregnant with my son Samuel. At the time I was under extreme stress, my first Husband was an alcoholic and drinking like a fish, I was working to support the family, my father was diagnosed with cancer and at the time he was caring for my mum who was chronically unwell with the outcomes of years of metastasised breast cancer.

It was an amazingly stressful time. I was about midway through my pregnancy and my blood pressure was too high. Funny that! I was determined to have my baby naturally so when I was told I may need to be admitted to hospital for the last weeks of the pregnancy I asked what I could do to help myself.

I was told acupuncture may help and I found a lady in the Blue Mountains who agreed to help me. I had 4 sessions, each time I would arrive with my BP at 145/95 or something similar and 45 minutes later I would sail out Zhen like with a reading of 110/70 and this would last for 3-4 days. It was amazing.

The second time I tried it was soon after I married the wonderful Marc and moved to Inner South Sydney. After an old back injury came back I saw a local physiotherapist who uses acupuncture in his practice. I had back spasms that normally took up to 10 physiotherapy sessions to steel, he sorted me in 2 with acupuncture.

So in short, if you haven’t tried it and you are open, have a go! It has been an amazing addition to my wellbeing toolkit. Just in case you are freaked out by needles, it is not like having an injection, the needles are as fine as hairs and do not hurt.

I meet Amanda from Sydney Integrative Medicine, who is lovely. She takes my history and tells me she has just been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s of the thyroidalso wow! She explains that the acupuncture will help my liver cope with the toxins ( surgery, drugs, chemotherapy)  from surgery and treatment, will help my digestive system, and my kidneys function optimally. It will also help me to relax and manage the enormous emotional and physical changes I have been through.

She puts needles literally everywhere, as she does this she explains what each point is for. This I love – I am an information freak. I then lay there for 20 minutes relaxing and allowing the needles to do their work.

The first needles were to relax me and were in my side. I felt immediately like I had had 2 glasses of wine, it was amazing. Teach me that one! I would love to do that whenever required, perhaps a permanent needle implant there would be great.

After the session I feel relaxed, balanced and empowered. I learned a lot, Amanda is very gentle and wise and I feel like she will teach me many things over coming weeks and months.

I will see her again after chemo which starts in about 2 weeks and then probably weekly after that. My next appointment is made for day 5 after chemo begins.

Can I encourage you; if you know of anyone who is going through treatment for cancer, anyone going through chronic illness, anyone coping with ill health or chronic pain, please share this blog, or what you have read about acupuncture. Seriously, it has made such a difference for me and I would hate to think of someone missing out who could benefit. We all deserve to feel the best we can, and to be able to make informed decisions about our own health management.

The hardest thing about cancer is that the treatment can be worse than the disease at times, and at least complimentary medicine supports your body to heal and for you to feel stronger and almost human again.

 

 

 

 

How important is faith?

faith 1 Faith is such an interesting word. It means “Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing. Or, a belief that does not rest on logical proof or material.

Now we all believe in something, whether it is ourselves, the medical system, our partners, friends or family and God or other spiritual belief systems. So you may believe;

“ I have cancer therefore I am going to die from it”.

” I will never get cancer ”

“ The Oncologist and medicine will cure me”

“ My family will always be there for me;” and many more varieties.

For me from the very beginning of being told I had cancer I felt no fear. Now this is a big thing, the idea of getting cancer before this has hands down been my single biggest fear.

However, sitting in front of the specialist and being told I had cancer I felt absolutely no fear. Sadness, loss, and confusion yes, but no fear! I am so amazed by this. However my faith always amazes me.

Now if you do not have a faith in God, please don’t leave me here. I am not a weirdo, but I do have a very close relationship with God aka Jesus. I only came to have this relationship around 10 years ago. I was not born into a Christian family and found this relationship whilst searching for what was missing for me, as an adult after my son was born.

Don’t worry, I am not preaching just filling in some background detail so you understand my perspective. I believe that God has a plan and purpose for my life (and for all of our lives). From the moment this diagnosis was thrust upon me I felt so strongly, “this will not take my life.” I honestly felt Protected by God. I don’t mean that He healed me instantly, but that by trusting Him, He will show me the way and that I am not on my own.

So for me, I put my faith in God, and I believe that I will be ok. Now for me this means that I still get treatment from Doctors and the medical system and that I support my body with complimentary medicine and healthy lifestyle. Through this journey I believe I will be ok.

So, answering my own question, faith is very important but just as important is knowing who or what you put your faith in. So no judgment either way, this journey is such a personal one, but I really feel compelled to share my journey with whoever is willing to read or listen. It is such a powerful question isn’t it, where, what and who do you put your faith in?

 

 

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