So 2013 is my first Christmas with Cancer personally. Due to my family history I have had cancer present and many Christmas celebrations just not in my body. I am trying to keep busy so as to distract myself I think.
It is such a fine line to walk when you need help as you are recovering, but are fiercely independent. It also gets very complicated when your family are so used to you just doing things that they don’t readily offer to help. This then requires me to ask! Something I do not do very well. It’s not that they wont help it just doesn’t occur to them, I suppose I have trained them well (not!).
Christmas comes and goes, it is pleasant and quiet. After Christmas we head up to the Hunter to see more of my family and to stay with some lovely close friends. We have a few days grace before Chemo starts. Something that is in my mind and I try desperately to block it out.
There are so many things weighing on my mind. Firstly, finances. We have an insurance policy in place but the analysis of my eligibility is taking a very long time. In the interim, I am not working and we are spending so much on treatment. Even with private cover we are at least tens of thousands out of pocket so far. That is also because I am doing the two-shoe shuffle using both medical and complimentary medicine. So between acupuncture, supplements, medicine, doctors appointments and surgery gaps it all adds up.
Other things weighing on my mind are the effects of Chemotherapy, what will it be like? I really have not idea what to expect here, how unwell will I be? Once I lose my hair I will no longer be able to go incognito, the game is up! How will my kids cope with a bald mum picking them up from school?
What about my mortality? Although I do feel that I will get through this and be healed, I am still human and I do have doubts. What if the cancer comes back? What would I do? What would my family do? Am I ready for what that means?
The future is also weighing on my mind. Even if the cancer does not come back int he near future, how long will I feel like I do? So sore, fragile, emotionally knackered and physically tired. In some of the reading I’ve done some women never get over that. Will my capacity be different? Will I cope with full time crazy hours like I used to do? If not, how will I build a business that I have on my heart to build. I have a big message and a desire to share it, if anything that has only gotten stronger so things will need to change.
How is my family doing? They all seem ok but I know this dance you don’t want to upset the sick one so you keep it all inside. I did it my self for years with my Mum. I am not worried about my Husband we have been really open from the very start, almost offensively open. In fact, on the day I found out I had cancer I gave him an out. I said, “I don’t expect you to stay if you are not up for it.” Poor love was so offended that I didn’t believe in him. It was not that at all; more that I didn’t want to shackle him.
I also need to somehow keep the door open for my boy Samuel (or young man). I know he is scared that he may not have his Mum around and that I am his biggest fan, advocate, protector etc. Yes we have a wonderful blended family but the thought of losing me really frightens him. Yet as a big almost teenager he is trying to be tough and act as if all is well.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t want my family to be solemn and walk about sulking all day because of this, I just want us to be able to be real when we need to be. So I feel like it is my responsibility to create that environment. Now I just need to work out how……..