I am awake at 230am in a complete sweat, I had to spray myself and stand in front of the fan to try and cool down. I eventually go back to bed, but it is only broken sleep interrupted by bouts of me being on fire.
My head feels cloudy today, unsure if it is because I had a glass of wine with dinner last night. Found it hard to say No at the lovely French restaurant.
I decide to do some light pilates today, try and get this body moving again. We also had a professional development session with one of my business mentors. Despite stopping work and pausing the business we decided to continue to invest in ourselves and in the business.
It was a great session in fact it is where the idea to blog is born! I feel so determined to share my experience so that others don’t feel alone. I know everything I have read has helped me to feel less weird and more part of a community of people experiencing similar things.
I saw the psychologist today, he was recommended by my Naturopath. She said that the shock of such a diagnosis and surgery etc can take quite a toll and also can sneak up on you. I have felt in coping mode since it all happened and wonder if I am ever going to crumble or lose it completely.
It was a really interesting session. There was a real focus on me and acceptance of myself. For me to focus on what I am doing that works and to learn to appreciate myself more. Such foreign concepts for me. Another bonus is that he is a cancer survivor, so he knows what it’s like to be part of “the club.”
We identified that the part of me that had to grow up really quickly at 8 years old when my Mums cancer had spread to her bones has been a real driving force for me. Whenever things get tough I go into Mrs Fix it mode as the expense of my own well being. This little girl who needed to be loved and protected from the fears of her mum dying felt she had to forgo those and be the support for her family. Too much for a little girl to do. So its no wonder I turn into a workaholic, lacking the ability to nurture myself or be kind to myself.
So I will be learning to reconcile with that part of my past, I will learn to allow my inner child to know she is safe and loved and learn how to be carefree. Something I have no concept of.
Lots of learning here for me, but I am excited. I always promised myself I would take whatever I needed to take form this experience, to learn and grow. I will not go through this without taking from it all I can to become all that God has destined me to be.
I am already seeing how little I took care of myself. How I have always given so much to others but rarely replenished me. No wonder I have felt exhausted for so long. How exciting to find my inner child, to learn how to be carefree, to have fun, to fill myself up so that those in my world get the best of me!
Tonight we went our for dinner with our close friends to the Red Lantern in Surry Hills, such a yummy place to go. If you haven’t been please go, it is truly amazing Vietnamese cuisine. Even with my struggling taste buds it was amazing.
All in all a great day, a long one, but a great one. Now me and my inner child are going to bed.