Chemotherapy – Page 3 – Bald Barren And Boobless

Tag: Chemotherapy (page 3 of 6)

I’m Feeling ripped off

sad woman I had another restless night. The mouth ulcers are coming back with a vengeance. My head feels fuzzy, (not literally, as I am as bald as a badger). My tank is empty, Marc is still feeling strung out, he is so worried about being back at work and balancing everything. I am trying to keep out of his way, to give him space but it is really hard.

Today, I am leaning on the strength of my Lord. I have none of my own, so I need Him now more than ever.

I have spent much of the day in bed, it’s the Australia Day public holiday and we have not done anything. I must say I feel a bit ripped off in general these holidays. I feel so sore and sick that I am struggling to enjoy any of the usual things we do. I am not able to swim, I can’t think of anything worse than going to the beach; my body is deformed and swollen. The thought of hot sand getting onto already sore places is not a nice thought. It’s not a nice feeling at all, being restricted, but hey I need to be thankful for being here in the first place.

Logically, I know it’s only a season, but it is potentially a very long season. My impatience is showing and it is only early days yet :(. I said at the outset that I want to learn from this experience, to open myself up wholly, to learn and be changed for the better.

I am beginning to realise that impatience and control may just be some of the issues for me to work on. When your world is turned upside down and you realise in 3 seconds that you are breakable and finite in this worldly sense everything changes.

I mean everything……

What is important, what needs my attention, what needs to be let go of? I want to get as much from this as I possibly can so that I can stand at the end and say that it was worth it. You see I am going to go through this regardless, so in my mind I may as well make the most of it, gain what I can, learn, grow, be a better me.

So in my mind I am trying to rise above. In the flesh I am so sore, the skin on my hands and feet is peeling off in layers (it really does not look good), I am swollen and in pain. I decide to try above all else to at least get some sleep tonight, so it is 2 Endone for me and a prayer for some much needed sub consciousness.

Round 2, day 3, I re-enter the valley

December 8, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 1 Comment

I slept until 3am which is just gold. I woke because my hips were so sore I could not move but desperately needed to. I am feeling quite weak and shaky. I’m not sure if I’m nauseous or hungry.

Some advice? To anyone out there going through chemo or who knows someone who is, please encourage them to keep a journal. It has helped me so much to map out my response to chemo and how to be prepared. It may be all I have energy to write in it daily, but is also a much needed release valve.

I do feel better on this day 3 than last time but I also know what to expect and they have given me some more anti-nausea drugs in my toxic cocktail to hold me until day 4-5.

It’s both Sunday and Australia day today. I make it to church barely, but am so glad I went. I feel bad for the family as they all stay home because I am so whacked I can’t do any celebrating. I don’t want them to miss out too but they won’t hear of it.

We get home from church and I just fall into bed. I cant even talk I feel so bad. My tank is so empty I imagine dust sitting on the inside of it. I got up and dragged myself to the kitchen to eat and went back to bed, it just takes the edge off of my nausea.

I have awful back spasms so took some Endone to help with this. My hands, feet and torso feel so bloated and hot. If I could Id run away from myself! I’m also constipated which adds to my discomfort.

Marc is heading back to school tomorrow and he is really unsettled. He doesn’t want to leave me but I assure him, all I am doing is laying in bed. I honestly won’t be needing much, just a mattress and a fan to try and keep me cool.

Until now he has been mostly off work during the holidays so we have journeyed this at the hip. The timing of this has been such a blessing for me, if there is such a thing. Having Marc by my side every step of the way, encouraging me, believing in me, holding me up, wiping the tears when they roll down my face. I am such a lucky woman to have his support.

Yes he is about to go back to work but I will always have his support, so I am ok with it. I also know this is but a season, and things will start to improve once chemo is finished. They must.

Ding! Ding! Round 2

December 3, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 0 Comments

I haven’t slept well at all, I am wide awake for much of the night. Staring into space. I am so caught up in my thought world I don’t even realise I am awake. I keep catching myself just laying there staring into space captivated by my own dread and anticipation of what is to come.

I lay there and pray for peace and a calm mind. I am praying for a sense of purpose in all of this madness and waiting on God to let me in on His plans. As the sun rises I get up and do something probably a bit stupid but hey that’s my prerogative isn’t it.

Of all things to do, I weigh myself. Of course this will make me feel better 🙁 I have gained a few kilos and feel like I am really holding onto fluid. It doesn’t stress me as much as it may have 10 years ago. I know my body is copping a complete scherlacking (I am not sure if I just made this word up or not?) so I need to focus on nourishing myself and easting what I can tolerate.

My poor body has been through the ringer with constant chronic and unrelenting stress, the expectation of just functioning because I need it too, let alone the surgery, trauma and now chemical onslaught.

Marc and I arrive at the day centre, I take my own blanket and some snacks I know I can tolerate. I take some music and some things to do should I feel the need. I’m such a girl scout – be prepared, have options.

Today goes more smoothly than the first, we know what to expect, I have slightly less headaches, my tummy is already playing up but I feel prepared.

By the time 8pm rolls around; the Bus is parked just up the road ready to run me over as I sleep. However, compared to the dread I felt this morning, today has been a good day. Marc and I sat and laughed, as you can see in the pic here, we do have a lot of fun when we are together. He just makes this process so much easier.

I honestly thank God every day for giving me a man who loves me for who I am, whether I look like the woman he married or not. As my body is attacked by this treatment, it will never be the same again. We will never be the same again. But – he still sees and loves me. This is a gift that is beyond measure.

How dare they!

December 1, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 1 Comment

I woke early today, feeling pretty good actually. I did another 40 mins on my Pilates reformer, you know it feels great to move my body again. Marc and I then headed out to Cronulla to have breakfast with some friends in Cronulla.

On the way to Cronulla I get a message from my previous GP saying he has received a requested to provide information and he is confused as to the context. I call him and he says my insurer has contacted him asking about my mental health. Bloody insurer, they are trying to discredit me already!! I make an appointment to see my GP that day.

I feel so insulted that they are trying to catch me in a lie. I pride myself on being honest so this really hits me hard. I know this is just a process but this has become very personal for me.

I then place a call to my Financial planner and leave a message. I am furious! What has my mental health history got to do with a breast cancer diagnosis? You see my background in the rehabilitation industry has seen on many occasions, good people having claims not honoured through a loop hole, I won’t let them do this to me!

Breakfast is lovely, right on the beach. but I am dreadfully distracted buy the furore in my head. I enjoy my food thinking tomorrow I will be as sick as a dog again so make the most of it. After breakfast I get a call back from my financial planner. He explains that the insurer is confused because in the past I have been quoted as having anxiety, stress and been prescribed valium. I explained that this was all to do with the IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), which is clearly stated in the insurance paperwork.

My poor Financial planner, he can hear how angry and insulted I am, he explains it is part of the process and they want to ensure I have not left out any important info in relation to my health. If I have then they will not honour the claim. I also find out they contacted a psychologist I saw years ago to have some counselling. Really private stuff and they just get to go through it. I feel really exposed and traumatised. “How dare they!” I scream to myself.

Now I am feeling vulnerable and out of control. If I don’t get any financial support during my illness it will drastically change the course of my recovery. I may need to make financially driven decisions about do I or do I not have complimentary medicine? It is really expensive.

I realise how blessed I am to even have insurance as many do this the hard ay with none. I take my hat off to anyone who has done this without insurance or without the financial backing to have what treatment you want to have. Truly, I can’t imagine how hard it must be to go through this and to be in financial hardship. To the point, Marc and I have survived by refinancing our mortgage.

My mind is going at 1000 miles per hour. On the way home we pick up a friend of our son’s bring him home for a catch up, we make lunch, have some visitors, go shopping, make dinner, clean up, cover bloody school books and I fall into bed.

I know I am doing it early but I also know I am going to be out of action for the next week potentially after the next round of chemo. I am absolutely dreading the thought of tomorrow…….

I came out today!

November 28, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 5 Comments

Before you freak out, read on ladies and gentlemen.

I woke feeling better today, so good that I did 40 minutes of Pilates. Marc and I went out and did some errands. By lunch I had began to feel the familiar creeping of achiness, pains and general crapiness return. My hips just ache. In my head I wonder about my Mum’s bone cancer that was all through her hips. Yuck… She had so many aches and pains too….. Don’t go down that road! not helpful at all.

I had to start the dexamphetamine again today in preparation for chemo in 2 days. They say it can give you a buzz – I pray for that! I am so tired and sore that a chemically induced buzz sounds awesome to me.

So, as I said in the beginning – I came out today. I decided to venture out into the big bad world Bald. It was mostly empowering, I did get a few strange looks. You see, because I look quite well, people say my skin is glowing. You can’t tell my right boob is missing (especially with a carefully placed scarf or if i wear the prosthesis) so I am sure people wonder if it is a lifestyle choice to be bald.

It is quite confronting when you feel that judgment happening though. Anyone who has ever felt judged in any way will know what I mean. I felt the same way when I first separated and divorced. Particularly, amongst some extreme religious people who I felt looked down at me like a quitter or a failure.

However, I know that only God judges me. I also know He has forgiven me, I know He loves me, He is with me and that He will never leave me, so that gives me so much comfort and strength.

I am learning that I am more than my looks. Now this is a biggie for any female. The world teaches us that we are our looks. It’s funny I would be able to say to anyone else, “lovely you are not your looks, you are so much more,” buy my own self-talk is not the same. The battlefield of the mind hey? I heard a very wise man say recently “the hardest person we will ever deal with is ourselves.” How profound.

Funny story – I was out and about with my prosthesis in as you do. I did not feel brave enough to be ‘bald’ and ‘boobless’ in public just yet. I was looking in the mirror in the ladies when I noticed that my prosthesis had migrated north. It’s like it wants to be promoted to a shoulder pad! You have to laugh…. well I do anyways…..

Marc and I took the kids to Youth at church tonight and after a good rest we went out for dinner. On the way home we stopped in at the best gelato in Sydney “Messina.”

It tasted wonderful at the time but I am as sick as a dog afterwards L One more day of normality until the next treatment….

I am challenged yet again

November 27, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 0 Comments

strong brain I have read and heard this very wise quote;

“We are not Human Doings. We are Human beings!” LIGHTBULB MOMEMT FOR ME. We need to be able to be still, to find quietness, to connect with ourselves and (for me) with God. Just be….. Honestly, this really challenges me. I am not sure if I even really understand what this means let alone how to do it.

However, it is particularly important for me as a travel this winding road that I pause and allow myself time to trust God, to give him my cares and concerns. He has promised to carry our burdens.

I am so much a person who was wired to define myself by my works, Am I good enough? Have I done enough? Will I be enough? This journey is teaching me that this is not the case. God has already said that “I am enough.”

He is my stopgap, I just need to lean into Him and all will be well. I really needed to do this today. Shopping was a nightmare. So many people. So much frustration in the air.

Sam and I had fun, we usually do. I am so thankful that he has such a wonderful disposition and sense of humor. He sees himself as responsible for making me laugh each day. How utterly beautiful is that?

We get the school stuff, Sam has a hair cut and by the time we get home I am literally exhausted! I am in bed with aching joints and a lagging persistent headache that will just not leave me alone.

I took Endone to help me sleep. The wonderfully helpful and insightful Edward Zia wrote a blog, click here to read it, about Marc and I and our story that he sent out into the world today. That was so thoughtful. His words were too kind. He spoke of me as a warrior and being so tough. Honestly, I am just putting one foot in front of the other and doing what I think is best for me and my family. There is no toughness form my perspective,

Once again I find myself feeling so thankful for the people around us who just keep showing up and being there when we need it. Just amazing.

Welcome to a new world!

November 24, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 0 Comments

So it’s my second day as a Baldy Fritz. I woke early and had no energy AGAIN! I spent most of the day in bed, my “To Do” list was not touched for another day 🙁

Today, Sam called me a “silly bald woman” and I responded with “that is your one and only chance to do that!” I can’t even remember of it was out of frustration or him being comical, either way, it’s a fine line hey.

We had our connect group from Church over to our place tonight. What a wonderful group of people they are. They are like family, they walk with us through the tough times and cheer with us through the good times.

This experience has really reinforced just who important it is to have good people in your corner. Man it just makes the world of difference to have people who you can call on for encouragement, rot listen, to make you laugh, to help out practically. It is really so humbling.

Tomorrow it’s back to school shopping for Sam and I. Can you imagine anything worse??? Shopping on a hot day in school holidays when every other parent s doing the same thing, with no energy and no hair?

I am beginning to get into the mindset for me next treatment which is only 3 more sleeps away. I have read and heard people say this is one of the hardest parts of the schedule. You just start to feel more energised, almost human again and you go back for more poison (sorry treatment 🙁 ).

Well it’s back to bed for me and my bald head. I must say one bonus? It takes me much less time to get ready to leave the house 🙂

Anyone for Scones??

November 21, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 0 Comments

Sam comes into the bedroom really early. He is really hot and feels sick. It is a really hot morning so I ask him to come sit with me by the pool. He ends up getting in the pool to cool down and I stay on the side.

I’m sitting there when Marc comes out and says hey babe there is a heap of hair on your top. I touch my hair and it just comes away in my hand like fairy floss. I wait for the dread, for the tears but I just kick into ‘manage it’ mode again.

I go onto the bathroom and just keep pulling handfuls of hair out. It’s Sunday and we are due to go to church. So I ask Marc to give me a buzz cut. I didn’t think I would cope with Marc doing this but I am really ok with it.

Marc performs the deed and we do some silly shots along the way. After all when else will I have the chance to have a real Mohawk??? (See picture above.) Yes I was trying to look like I and attitude – you know punk rocker isn… not sure if it worked…..

I am surprised at how ‘ok’ I am. I was so worried about the emotional weight this process would take but I actually felt free. I felt at peace. Marc takes a photo of the two of us, (see next picture), and before I know it he has posted it on his timeline on FB!

Under normal circumstances I would not want my photo posted at all, let alone my first bald shot. Again I was ok with it. I did ask him to let me know “before” he does that just so I am aware. But still amazed at how I felt.

I wear my cap to church for the first time. I feel like I stand out like a sore thumb but I will get used to it. One yucky thing is how hot my head is.

In the foyer at church Marc is talking with a new woman he has just met, (he does this all the time). He introduces me to Helen from Chicago. She is a bubbly friendly woman. It’s her first time here, she is on holiday and has popped in.

As we are walking into the service, she stops me and says “can I ask, have you got cancer?” I respond openly “Yes, Breast Cancer, I lost my hair today so this is the first time I’ve worn one of the hats.”

Helen tears up as she explains to me that she is a breast cancer survivor and this is her anniversary celebration trip for ceasing treatment. She explains her hair has grown back and she is feeling human again. She looks me right in the eye and says “It’s going to be ok.” By now we are both crying and hugging. It was just such a beautiful miracle to meet her on the day when I was feeling vulnerable and unsure.

The gift of meeting Helen that day will never be forgotten. This is another example of how God has just provided for me when I need it. I am so blown away at the miracles and endless support and love that surround me.

I never thought I would say this but my B day has been such an amazing day. It has been such a gift in more ways than one. Now its time for me to embrace my scone.

Laughter is such great medicine

November 19, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 0 Comments

laugh or cry I felt better today when I woke up, thank goodness the Truck had not run me over again! I am excited as I am meeting one of my best girlfriends for lunch and a movie today. We saw an action movie, I fell asleep half way through, sad but hey under the circumstances I suppose it is understandable.I felt better today when I woke up, thank goodness the Truck had not run me over again! I am excited as I am meeting one of my best girlfriends for lunch and a movie today. We saw an action movie, I fell asleep half way through, sad but hey under the circumstances I suppose it is understandable.

We had such a great day laughing reminiscing and sharing. We have always had a relationship where we thrive on each other’s energy and ideas. She has the ideas, I follow through, it is a great balance.

Friends are just so important. I know before I was diagnosed with cancer and I was seeing a counsellor for some stress management support. She asked me what I did to have fun and I couldn’t answer her. My world had shrunk to work, managing family stuff and more work. I was struggling with a unhappy relationship with a loved one and I was really stressed.

My cup was empty and I just kept expecting myself to produce more. I am sure I was on empty for many years. This journey has been teaching me how important laughter, friendship and prioritising me is. All work and no fun made Kylie a very sick woman.

So if you are struggling with something, whether it is health or stress of some kind, take an honest look at your life, at what makes you feel good. Promise that you will do more. Fill your cup so you can be there and be fully present for others. Letting yourself become run down comes from a dysfunctional place of self importance, (everyone needs me.) In fact, what you are doing is the exact opposite. You are being really selfish because no one gets the best you.

What a Big Lesson for me!!

I came home and had a lovely dinner with my boys and we watched a silly movie. We laughed and laughed. I noticed my head and scalp feel really tingly and sore. I wonder if tomorrow will be ‘D’ Day or ‘B’ day. Only time will tell.

Sam has not been well since he came back from Summer camp. He has a fever and a headache. I asked him to come in through the night if he needs me. I hope he isn’t coming down with something. No matter how sick you are a Mum never switches off. Makes me really miss my lovely Mum 🙁

Which way did that Truck go?

November 17, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 0 Comments

body outline I woke feeling like a Truck had hit me. Damn that Truck. My head is aching and fuzzy, sinus all clogged up, body aching and I just couldn’t seem to get going. I had a ‘to do” list in my head but when I got up I realised I was not going to win this battle so I went back to bed.

That’s honestly one of the things I struggle with so much along this journey and that is the unpredictable nature of each day. No matter what you do, you have very little control over how your body will be. I used to be like the old reliable car, every day it would start without question. Yes, it was in need of a service or two but it kept on going.

Now I just can’t promise anyone anything. Now I feel like the car that is the lemon. No matter what you do something goes wrong. This is a very big adjustment for me to make.

So, I listened to my body and got up in a few hours to eat, then exhausted went back to bed again. This lingering headache just will not go away. I am beginning to wonder if the last two “good days” meant I over did it? I’m just not sure anymore….

Our kids get back from camp today – we are excited and have missed them. I am still waiting for my hair to fall out but it seems today is not the day, Yay! I did warn the kids that when they come back I might be bald. They were both cool with it. How blessed am I? I was half waiting for them to ask me not to pick them up, how embarrassing to have a baldy fritz picking you up from camp?

At least I reckon I would have been embarrassed as a teen. My Mum going through her treatment never had chemo so she didn’t lose her hair. I wouldn’t have meant to be mean, but the teen years are tough enough without a bald mother to contend with too.

We had a friend over for dinner and we all sat about the table talking about love, life and the universe. It was really a great night. I am reminded over and over how blessed I am to have such a great family and group of friends surrounding me.

Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Tag: Chemotherapy (page 3 of 6)

I’m Feeling ripped off

Round 2, day 3, I re-enter the valley

Ding! Ding! Round 2

How dare they!

I came out today!

I am challenged yet again

Welcome to a new world!

Anyone for Scones??

Laughter is such great medicine

Which way did that Truck go?

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