Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Tag: Chemotherapy (page 2 of 6)

Descending into the depths

March 25, 2015 / / 0 Comments

sadnessI woke at 2am, then was wide awake until 430am. It’s the weekend so no school run, yay! Thanks you for small miracles and gifts each day. So I slept in, or rather stayed in bed. I feel quite nauseous, sore, slow, everything is buzzing, hot, swollen just yuck!

An old friend from my high school and Uni days called and we spoke for a while, that was really nice. I continued in bed, it just seemed too hard to do anything else. I am finding the nausea is much worse this round.

It’s my 42nd birthday tomorrow. I pray it’s a nice day and I can do something with the family. I have a long history of struggling with my birthday. First of all my Mum was so great at making us all feel like princesses for the day.  She went over the top and made it really difficult for anyone to compare to the big effort she made.

It wasn’t about spending money rather being thought of.  I have so many wonderful memories. Then I got married and my ex Husband was pretty hopeless. He was ok initially but as his world spiralled out of control I was last on the list and I am pretty sure he forgot the last 4 or 5 of my birthdays.  To add to this I left him on the last birthday we were together which happened to be my 30th.

So I have a history of sad days and unmet expectations. The last birthday with him I remember finding out he had spent more at the pub the day before. The forgot my birthday with an “oh f@#k its your birthday” at 12pm, then handing me a broken photo frame.  Special times…..

Looking back he was such a mess how could he do anything else. They were certainly hard times though. So my new outlook is to not have expectations and to spend time with the people I love.  My Husband Marc is wonderful and really makes and effort, there is just so much sensitive scar tissue there.

It almost like each year I compete with the ghost of birthdays past each year and enough is enough. Time for a new way, out with the old in with new healthier ways.  Easier said than done, but at least I am aware and working toward a better way.

So I stayed in bed, lamenting on how much I miss my Mum, particularly when I feel so sick and my birthday is looming. Wondering how she would be feeling knowing her baby girl is on the same journey with breast cancer as she was.

I’m glad she is not here really as she would have been racked with guilt, even though it is not her fault at all. I love you Mum xxxx.

Down for the count

March 16, 2015 / / 0 Comments

dog tiredSo it’s Day 2 after chemotherapy.  I slept through the night, it’s a miracle! I don’t usually start of this way, but hey how kool. I am feeling quite swollen and fragile. Like I will break into a million pieces. My hands and feet are hot and swollen tight, my head is thick and full with pain and fuzziness.

I am nauseous and feel the beginnings of the hot acidic diarrhea. How lovely. I have discovered a neat trick though. Use baby wipes, especially the ones with cucumber and aloe vera. Very cooling on a hot and acidic burning butt. I know you may not wish to hear this but it is only shared in the event it may help someone.

It’s Valentines day today but I am not feeling very romantic. I sleep much of the day, try to have some lunch with my Valentine. I lived on anti nausea today.  I feel without it I will surely lose my cookies.

A light dinner and bed for me, such a beautiful way to spend Valentines. Lucky my lovely man and I don’t need to rely on Valentines day to have a rich and loving relationship. He has been so gentle and understanding as I face this daily battle. What is more romantic, seriously?  I know which one I’d pick.   The man who stands beside you with Roses, or the man who stands beside you in the trenches loving you despite the circumstances.  My man, in the trenches with me xxx

Tonight I pray for sleep and for relief from the heat that is madly coming out of my body. My acupuncturist explains that this is my liver madly trying to cope with the toxins. Again my besties come to the rescue, Endone and Valium, I love you xx

Ding Ding! Day 1 Round 3

March 9, 2015 / / 0 Comments

day 1 r 3I am awake again from 2am but did not go back to sleep. Man I am tired, how can I not be exhausted. I haven’t slept well since mid November 2013 and I was exhausted before this all began.

Big day today, I will over the “hump” so to speak. Got my “Brave” t shirt on, acupuncture this morning to help with side effects. I shaved down for battle too as I had a light covering if hair that has tried to grow back only to fall out again soon after this next round.

At acupuncture, Amanda asked me about how I have been. I explained that I haven’t been resting out of guilt for not pulling my weight. She explained that guilt comes from a feeling of doing wrong, the only wrong I have been doing is not putting my health first. Ahhh, got it! A nice new way for me to approach things.   Certainly a more kind approach than my default.

Chemo goes ok today, my veins are not co-operating, they have sunk deep into my flesh, in an attempt to avoid the toxic assault. It does not work for long as they are coaxed out with a warm wrap.

My white cell count is too high so again less injections afterwards – Yay! As I sit there the toxic cloud descends, I am reminded of this familiar foe. As the headache begins and my stomach begins to protest and twist I decide to think of the fact that I am making progress, I have one more to go before the next stage, surgery. I am making it.

Only, 7 days to go of this pain and illness before the sun begins to shine again.   I can do it. Thank goodness for the journal which has really helped me map out how I respond to chemo. Such a blessing; please if you know anyone going through treatment like this encourage them to journal.

Tonight I sleep with the help of my new besties, “Endone and Valium.”  Bring on the rest, after being up for close to 20 hours, goodness knows I need it.

Look Good, Feel Better

March 3, 2015 / / 0 Comments

Beauty mythI am awake from 2am, so I am washed out this morning when it is time to get moving for the day. I have the “look good feel better” workshop today. It’s a workshop sponsored by the beauty industry to help women facing cancer to feel better about their appearance.

Great idea, it has a realty good reputation around the traps. My friend Tammy booked me in months ago. Just as well, I may not have gotten around to it myself.  Tip – If you are supporting someone and you find out about groups like this, do it for them. They can always say “no” closer to the day, but at least if its “yes” it will happen.

I am to take a support person so I asked Al, my sister in law. It was a great day, I learned so much. Came away with free make up and skin care, a few new friends and ideas on how I can make myself feel just a little better when I’m having a bad day.

No rest again today, workshop finished, by the time I did some errands, helped kids after school and had dinner prepped it was time for puppy school. My calendar needs some more gaps – seriously.

I realise I am going to need to say “No” to some things and prioritise my rest but it is so hard. I am so tired by the time sleep is possible but I have pushed too far and am wired. Besides it’s chemo day again tomorrow and if I could put my head in the sand I would. I don’t want it. I don’t want to feel like crap again.

It’s such a cycle of teasing as you get through the worst of the toxicity, you fight to regain some resemblance of feeling human and just as you arrive, it’s time again. It really messes with your head.

ON a slightly different note, I have been watching the “Under the Red Dress” campaign. What and inspiring campaign the woman behind it, Beth is.  I am going to contact them to share my story if they are open.  At the very least it supports their cause.  A cause I find myself very close to.

The rise before the fall

February 23, 2015 / / 0 Comments

rise fall arrowToday I woke feeling okay a little sore but okay.  Today is a busy day I didn’t stop all day between doing a little ‘Pilates’ to keep me moving, then washing, shopping and cooking dinner; phew!! It’s been a big one.

I had a great chat with mr Bonus daughter morning today about her ideas to the future. She’s so keen to explore the world and do a gap year after she finishes year 12. I believe it’s such a great idea for her and what an opportunity that may never present itself again.

By afternoon I’m ready to relax. I put my feet up and watch some mindless TV.  I have such a pile of books to read, I think I’ve bought everything ever written on the subject of breast cancer.  I’m doing this because I want to connect with the universal experience whilst knowing that my own experience is very individual.

It’s amazing what a gift that is reading about someone else’s experience and seeing how you relate to that. There are so many weird things that happen to your body during this journey that only another person in the same journey can share with you.  So many little things that seem almost too weird to talk about I will find in the pages of a book and suddenly realise that it’s okay.

For example, since starting chemotherapy my feet have been so painful.  To the point where first thing in the morning I can hardly walk.  It’s like plantar fasciitis but more painful for me.  I struggle so much with it.  It’s weird how sore feet make the little things so much harder.

Otherwise, I’m feeling pretty good in general.   It’s actually quite sad to think that I’m going to feel like crap again soon.   I’m also approaching my birthday which is always a weird day for me.   It’s weird for many reasons.   Firstly because my beautiful Mum is no longer with me.  She used to spoil all of us so much on our birthdays.  It wasn’t about spending lots of money but about making you feel like a princess that the day.

Secondly, in my first marriage, as the relationship deteriorated I had at least four birthdays where the day was forgotten by my ex-husband altogether. This was really painful for me. I then separated on my 30th birthday which is also a painful memory from me.

I’ve taken so much baggage along with me that my birthdays are always and mixed bag of emotions. This one will be interesting not only because of the journey I’m on, but also because I’ll be in peak time of the effect of the chemo on my body. So I’m lowering my expectations and hopefully things will all go well.

Another visit to the Oncologist

February 9, 2015 / / 0 Comments

Another night of better sleep, again this cool weather is such a gift. Today I’m off to see my Oncologist again. They always see you in between cycles of chemo to make sure that you are on track.

I join the other women in the waiting room all at various stages of treatment. Some have hair, some wear wigs, somewhere scarves. We all share the physical and emotional scars of this journey. There is this unspoken link between us all, this unspoken understanding that is hard to describe.

You know just by looking at each individual that there is such a powerful story that is their life. Whether or not they’re married or single, parents or not, doing well or struggling. Much of this is hidden from public view. It is only by being on a similar journey that you see the burden on the shoulders and the sadness in their eyes.

My Oncologist tells me that my white cells are now too high. This is because the injection that I need to give myself after chemo has been too effective. the blessing to me is that I really need to give myself three injections after chemo now not five. Woo hoo!  Another small gift, I’ll take it!

My Oncologist also gave me another script for Endone and Valium, to help me sleep and to reduce my pain levels. She described that not everybody gets the joint and bone pain that I am experiencing. She also explains that unfortunately this may mean that my response to Tamoxifen will be similar.

She refers me for some lymphatic drainage massage and I have an appointment for the weekend. The funny thing on my list the today is to have lunch with a very good and very caring friend. She cooks me a healthy and beautiful meal and we just sit and talk. It’s so refreshing to just sit and talk about other things than cancer. It’s amazing how in such a big and busy life that cancer can become the focus. I don’t want this to be the case so this is a lovely and refreshing change.

I get home and have a short rest, yay I’m learning! Unfortunately the rest was not long enough and by 8 PM I can no longer think straight. My entire body is aching and I need to go to bed. It’s been a big day it’s time to call it a night.

No rest for the wicked, I mean hairless

January 19, 2015 / / 0 Comments

photoOh my goodness I actually got a little sleep last night. I’m in shock this has not happened to so much time. I am at day 12 of my Chemo cycle now and am beginning to feel human again. As many wise women have told me I need to be careful of being romanced by the idea of my energy returning.

Many amazing women who have walked this road before me have shared with me that I need to prioritise my rest. As many of you may imagine, this is one of my biggest challenges. I am not used to pacing myself, pulling myself first, being kind to myself, being patient with myself. This is like a new language I am yet to learn.

As I have shared previously, I do believe this experience has come to teach. This is how I choose to look at my circumstances and take the gifts from it. One such gift I believe will be for me to learn how to be kind to myself. For me to learn how to give back to myself and how to fill my own tank.

I believe God has been trying to teach me this for many years, however I am as stubborn as a mule. I think it has taken the road of cancer and a complete and utter destruction that comes with chemo to bring me to my knees. And on my knees I am.

Despite this enlightenment I again had a busy day ahead with no planned rest. So whilst I am waking up to the idea of the lesson I am being given I am still yet to put into practice. As one of my business mentors would say, “if you know and don’t do then you don’t know.”

An exciting thing that’s happening today is a new piece of furniture is being delivered. We bought what is called a snuggle chair this beautiful chair that is round, comfy and fits 2 people. Romantically, I think Marc and I had visions of us sharing this chair while we chatted, read the books and just spend time together.  See the picture above, this is the chair in our lounge room.

The current unfortunate truth, is that each time I am near him I have so many hot flashes that I cannot really be near him. What a sad story this is.

Again my to-do list is longer than my energy levels. After church this evening we head home and I am completely whacked. I really need sleep. I also really need to get this lesson and start resting regardless of how I feel. I need to be proactive not reactive. One day it will sink in.  Thank goodness my God is so gracious and patient with me.

Flatter than a Flat thing

January 5, 2015 / / 1 Comment

exhausted 1I slept ok, better than expected without medication. I wake feeling tired but ok. Tiredness is a permanent state of being for me at this time, Lethargy s like a friend staying on my couch uninvited and I can’t get the to leave.

Marc is out doing some errand and I begin to do some chores. It is not long before I realise I need to return to bed and sleep. The pain in my hip is unbelievable. I eventually fall off to sleep and wake at 3pm, I feel so hot it is like I am on fire.

I have my own personal light bulb moment and realise we have a pool! Eureka!!!! I go for a swim and oh my gosh it is so nice…… I float around I my own cool bliss.

I am not sure what it is but because I am so flat I am craving carbs something ridiculous. All I eat is chips, chocolate and liquorice. The only thing that tastes semi normal is liquorice. It is the only thing that can cut through the permanent metallic taste in my mouth.

Because I have eaten such crap all day I feel really bad by late afternoon. A combination of bad food and guilt has me crippled. I need to just crawl like a bad dog into bed and hide away.

I want to leave today, start fresh tomorrow; I hope my body will allow me to. Part of this is me learning to allow myself to have a bad day, a slow day even a nothing day. I am so achievement oriented and this journey is sometimes full of me achieving nothing except having a day like today eating crap and then feeling sick.

What’s that saying, “some days are diamonds, some days are stones…..”

Gotta get my insomnia sorted out

December 29, 2014 / / 0 Comments

I Kylie's Personal Journey Documentary_Stage 1.woke at 1:11 AM feeling like I’d had hours of sleep. AAARRRGHHHH!!!

I’m wide awake, I’m having intense hot flushes, I just don’t know what to do with myself. I think a good option is to spray myself and stand in front of the fan.

What a sorry sight I must be standing in the darkness of my bedroom. One boob, no hair, bald as a badger and sweating from head to toe. I know what a beautiful site you must be imagining right now.

Eventually the hot flush subsides and I contemplate going back to bed. However it’s not that simple, the intensity of these hot flashes mean that I am wide awake so sleep is not an option for a while to come. Thank goodness for recorded episodes of “The Block.” I promise you, this has saved my life. Combined with the fact that my husband can sleep while I have the TV on its such a blessing.

I eventually wake at 6:30 AM after falling asleep around 4 AM. I feel like I have a hangover, I really need to sort out this insomnia. How on earth is anyone meant to function with no sleep.

In general my pain is a little less today, I’m tired but I’m getting used to plodding along anyway. Again no rest today too many things to do. I need my blood test to track my body’s response to the last round of chemo as well as seeing if I’m ready for the next round.

I also have a visit from two good friends both are also work colleagues and keep me in the loop as to what’s been happening in the world of business. One of them is a lady in a complimentary business that we have worked with the years. The other has been my partner in business so many years. Both of these women are tremendous gifts to my life.

At the end of their visit my business partner mentions that if I am open to it she may consider buying me out of our business. This comes as both a shock as well as an opportunity. Because I don’t know what the future holds it may be worth considering how I can simplify things.

However, another part of me feels like one of my dreams has just been taken away. We always had a big vision for our business. To think this may change in a way that I never expected challenges me. Again I need to take some time and see what is going to be best for me and for the business. I also need to remember that her intention is to take pressure off of me and give me the space to get better.

I went for another swim tonight. These hot flushes are so exhausting, depleting, disgusting, frustrating. My hair that had just started to grow back has begun to fall out again. I think I’m going to go for the clean skin that look and just shave my head whenever I need it. I don’t want to look like a sucked out mango. Again another beautiful visual for you all.

I take myself out to the movies

December 22, 2014 / / 4 Comments

IMG_1004I slept again – woo hoo! I could get used to this. I am feeling a bit yuck in the head, and still as tired as heck but I’m remembering what Human can feel like.

After I get the kids to school and do what needs to be done I decide to take myself to the movies today. Kylie no friends, how liberating! I really wanted to see August Osage County and hadn’t had the opportunity until now.

Have you ever gone to the movies alone? I encourage you to do it. The first time I was so uncomfortable thinking every one would be looking at me and judging me for being alone. But like most things in life, no one cares. It is actually incredibly freeing. Realising that you don’t need anyone else to entertain yourself or do things you want is very empowering.

I arrive at the cinema and I am alone in the theatre except for one other. I take about 3 seats to myself; unpack my healthy goodies I packed and sit back to be entertained. Entertained I am but it is an incredibly sad and heart breaking movie. What a powerful story. It really impacted me and made me feel so blessed for the family I have and the love I am surrounded with.

Yes we all have our baggage and crap that occurs. Every family has a few skeletons in the closet that’s for sure. If they say they haven’t they are just having themselves on.

When I arrived home I was greeted by an incredible bunch of flowers from my networking group 4N. What a beautiful thought and gesture. I feel so much gratitude for these people that are willing to reach out and let me know I am in their thoughts.

I haven’t rested today so I am totally whacked by nightfall. I do an experiment tonight and decide to try to sleep unaided by sleeping pills or pain relief – am I mad or not? Let’s see hey?

 

 

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