Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Tag: self care

Day 2 post chemo – toxic city

toxin symbolIt may seem tedious but I am committed to keeping a daily journal through treatment as it helps me to manage symptoms, cycles and to plan ahead. If you or someone you know is going through a similar thing it can really help to identify patterns, discuss symptoms with their health team and help them to cope through forward planning. For example if you learn that days 2-8 are your worst then plan to look after yourself and rest as much as you can during those days.

I was told to expect days 2-7 to be the worst when it would slowly pick up until I felt good and was due for the next treatment. I’m also keen to count at this stage so I know when to expect that my hair may fall out.

I’m such a planner I want to know roughly when so that I am not like in public and suddenly my hair falls around my feet. You would not know the crap that goes on in my head. Imagine your hair just falling from your head all at once. I have – vividly!

So day 2, I woke through the night at 1230am, 130am, 330am, thinking I needed the loo due to my threatening bowel, each time was a complete false alarm. I’m up for the 8am church service. I feel like crap literally, but I need to go and seek the presence and peace of my God.

My head is fuzzy and achy. My tummy is percolating and I am not sure if I can eat, but I know I need too. I feel weak and shaky. I have tingling in my fingers and toes and my hands and feet are really hot. I also have this weird ache in each of my teeth like they may fall out, not nice at all.

I feel like have had the stuffing knocked out of me. I took Maxillon to help with the nausea and took it easy after church. It is Marc’s Fathers Birthday today so we go and see him for a birthday lunch. I didn’t cope too well but it was really important that we spend time with him.

Once I get home I hit the wall and go back to bed. I toss and turn as I am not able to get comfortable. I have really strong back and hip pain. It feels like it is right inside the bones. My tummy remains really upset and bloated.

I have been well prepped by the Hospital staff as to how to protect the family from me. For example, when I use the toilet I am to flush at least twice and wipe down the seat. I am not to share cutlery, crockery or toothbrushes. If Marc and I were to be intimate, we need to use condoms to protect him from how toxic I am.  Now that is scary stuff.

It just blows me away that I have subjected my body to such toxic stuff, but to be honest I don’t feel like I have a choice. If it were just me then I may feel more like playing roulette – You know see if totally natural and complimentary work, or just have surgery and go it alone BUT  I need to ensure I am around for my beautiful son Sam, as a birth parent I am all he has.

Your body is like a car

old car

What do you yearn to drive? A Ferrari, Maserati, a Bugatti, a sleek Audi, a Mini cooper, the potential list goes on…..

You may not dream of a lovely car, you may be more practical and dream of a house or crave a luxurious holiday. So if you don’t dream of a car what do you drive currently? A sleek, clean, well maintained vehicle, an unreliable bomb or something in the middle?

Just recently I heard a very powerful analogy that made me stop and think. It was how you treat your car may be a mirror for how you treat your body. At first this may make you say, so what? But take the time and play along.

Many studies have been conducted that state how you keep you car says much about your personality. Forbes magazine in 2009 wrote, “Porsches smack of success. Hondas preach practicality. And, according to a recent report, Chevys proudly proclaim of their owners, “I don’t use the Internet.”

How you treat your car also says a lot about how you treat yourself as a person. If you car is pilled so high with old Maccas wrappers, bubble gum, cassette tapes and old tissues it may scream “disorganised.” If it is clean, there is no dust or cobwebs insight it may scream “perfectionist” or that your car is a big priority for you. Again you may be somewhere in the middle.

For me, I expect a lot of my car; I don’t maintain it, well. I expect it to start without issue and not to breakdown. I only notice it really when it isn’t working. That is much how I used to treat my body and my health. No nurturing in sight, how sad for my poor body, it had to scream for help before I was forced to stop and listen.

This is a powerful analogy for me because to showed me that I took both my car and my health for granted. And who knows that the fastest test to rectify this is when what you have taken for granted is taken away.

So when I was diagnosed with breast cancer I was forced to stop and take stock of how I had been treating my body and my health. I had expected to always have my health, that nothing would ever get in the way of me doing what I needed to do each and every day.

It is a very different reality now, after 3 surgeries, Chemo and Hormone treatment my body is screaming out for some time out and nourishment. I no longer can take my body for granted, in fact it is more like, “what will my body allow me to do today?”

So although this may seem like a silly topic without much meaning I ask you to take the time and consider how you treat your car, and or your body. After all they are both vehicles we use to do whatever we need to do.

If you need to carve out a little extra care for your beloved vehicle / body please do it before it just stops working from pure exhaustion. It’s always better to prevent a problem from ever happening than to begin to treat it after the collapse.

 

A letter to myself

random-act-of-kindness Dear Kylie my love,

This letter is a letter of love and caring. You have been through a lot my sweet, and there have been many lessons to be learned. Why? So you don’t have to learn it again my sweet girl.

For as long as I can remember you have been very good at caring for others, putting them first and putting yourself last. This can be no more my dear. Things need to change. God has loved you through this experience and one of the biggest messages he has shared with you, is your value. You too need to be loved, to be cared for, to have space and to protect your heart.

You need to feel ok to say “No” to allow others to learn the hard lessons for them. It’s important that you don’t feel like you need to carry the world on your shoulders. Those old childhood fears and hurts no longer need to drive your actions my love. You can now rest and trust that you are not responsible for others, for their outcomes or for their hurts.

Carrying such a burden is such a heavy load and I believe to a large degree is why you have ended up where you are, sick, tired and empty in so many ways. Yet you still yearn to give and give some more.

You have loved where only anger has been reflected, you have given of yourself without return, you have felt responsible for things you have absolutely no control over, all of this is completely emotionally and physically exhausting.

Change is required and it is necessary my sweet girl. You have such a big heart and such capacity. How long has it taken for this to catch up with you? So many years, this has been building and building. Imagine how much is possible when you let go of what you cannot control and give back to yourself. Imagine when you allow God to heal you completely (from the inside out) and make you whole again, the possibilities are endless.

I know you want to make a difference in this world, to share with others and to help them live lives of hope and significance. To do this, I believe you need to love and nurture yourself, love others fully and freely but let go when it is wise. Allow others to experience things for themselves; you don’t need to protect them. Realise that not everyone will understand or appreciate your journey and that is ok.

This is your journey, your experience and your life. Do what you can, make it a beautiful testament to those who have loved and supported you. Allow our gracious and merciful God to be glorified through your life story.

So what should change? Please love your body by nourishing it with beautiful whole, clean and nutritious foods. Move and stretch your body, allow your muscles to be strong and lean, to support you in all that you do. Allow your ever-questioning mind to be quiet at times, give yourself that gift daily. Love generously, laugh audaciously, spend time with people that grow you and love you. Don’t do things out of some weird sense of obligation. Stop fearing rejection from others, you are a daughter of the most high King, you have been created, loved and accepted by the God of the universe, nothing else matters.

So with love gratitude and friendship I say to you, dear sweet lovely Kylie, be kind to yourself, allow for change to take place at its place, appreciate your amazing body and it’s strength and resilience and above all remember to love abundantly. xxxxxxx