I finally get to sleep by 1.30am with Valium, and am awake at 2.30am – WTF!!! I’m awake every hour and just don’t know what to do with myself. By 4am I’ve been watching the “Under the Red Dress Project” on my phone and am so inspired.
I thought about “behind the smile” as so many times people have said to me that I’m smiling, I must be doing things easily. How little they know.
My tummy feels really blocked and bloated. My thinking is slow and fuzzy. My tongue is small and dry. My hands and feet are swollen and hot. I find myself saying, “Your joy is my strength Lord, I will rejoice in this day.”
Seriously, without something bigger, a greater purpose and strength, it would be easier to just lay down and say,” No more” some days. To those struggling to get through the day, I send you strength and kindness. I am sorry you have to journey through this and I pray you are surrounded by love and support.
It’s another long day with a conference, and again I’m in bed by lunchtime exhausted. I really don’t know what i was thinking coming along. I have such FOMO, (Fear of missing out), yet here I am in my room just wanting to chuck my guts up 🙁 So have I missed out or not??
So it’s my last chemotherapy treatment and I am on day 2. I have a professional development conference to attend. I’m not sure if I will cope but won’t know until i do it.
I slept like a zombie from 10.32pm – 11.18pm. WTF!!! Then I tossed all night long with hip and knee pain, I’m so hot and my tummy is so sore. I finally got up at 4.30 am. I just can’t lay in bed anymore.
We are in a hotel so I am aware of not disturbing Marc. Its really hard, there is nowhere to hide.
I feel fragile but okay. My head feels fuzzy, my hands and feet are really hot, my tummy is bloated and sore, but I am not too bad. I dose up on pain killers and anti nausea meds and I get ready to go to the conference. I make it to the lunch time break before I hit the wall.
It’s been weird – I’m with my business friends and none of them have seen me since before I was sick. They are all so supportive, but I feel like an alien. Like I am in this weird parallel universe. They all tell me I look great, but really, I am sure they are being kind.
We are staying on the site that the conference is in so I went up to our bedroom and lay down, sleeping until 6pm. We then went out to dinner. I took it very slowly. I felt quite weak and shaky and was waiting for the awful diarrhoea to hit. I’m almost scared to leave the safety of a bathroom within 6 feet.
I took it slow and it was pretty fun I guess. I’m in bed by 11 PM dosed with endone and valium let’s see how we go. Still not sure if i am overly optimistic or just stupid for expecting myself to do this……