Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Tag: poor sleep

Lack Of Sleep Takes It’s Toll

worry graphic
I slept pretty badly again.  I was so aching and hot all night long.  I woke in a really really bad mood and unfortunately took it out on my poor man.  I’m sure this journey is so hard for the partners, the husbands, the men who stand by their wives.  I’m trying so hard not to take it out on him but I just have no ability to stop myself.

We’re late getting off to school this morning, Marc can get really frustrated when we run late.  The kids struggle when Dad is angry, as he is always so happy.  They retreat into themselves.  I see it and want to reach out, but have nothing in the tank.  So I watch, get sad and think that I will attend to that when I am able.

I worry for my quiet child.  So sensitive and such a big heart.  Lord please let him know security in you like no other.  Please be there for him if/when I’m not.

I slept most of the day.  I did a little tidying up but I’m really not up to much.  The story with the local paper was easier than I thought.  I pray they represent me accurately.  I’m only sharing my story to help others.  If one other woman reads this article and has a breast check, then it’s been worth it.

I Attend A Conference – Sucker For Punishment.

So it’s my last chemotherapy treatment and I am on day 2.  I have a professional development conference to attend.  I’m not sure if I will cope but won’t know until i do it.

I slept like a zombie from 10.32pm – 11.18pm.  WTF!!!  Then I tossed all night long with hip and knee pain, I’m so hot and my tummy is so sore.  I finally got up at 4.30 am.  I just can’t lay in bed anymore.

We are in a hotel so I am aware of not disturbing Marc.  Its really hard, there is nowhere to hide.

I feel fragile but okay.  My head feels fuzzy, my hands and feet are really hot, my tummy is bloated and sore, but I am not too bad.  I dose up on pain killers and anti nausea meds and I get ready to go to the conference.  I make it to the lunch time break before I hit the wall.

It’s been weird – I’m with my business friends and none of them have seen me since before I was sick.  They are all so supportive, but I feel like an alien. Like I am in this weird parallel universe. They all tell me I look great, but really, I am sure they are being kind.

We are staying on the site that the conference is in so I went up to our bedroom and lay down, sleeping until 6pm.  We then went out to dinner.  I took it very slowly.  I felt quite weak and shaky and was waiting for the awful diarrhoea to hit.  I’m almost scared to leave the safety of a bathroom within 6 feet.

I took it slow and it was pretty fun I guess.  I’m in bed by 11 PM dosed with endone and valium let’s see how we go.  Still not sure if i am overly optimistic or just stupid for expecting myself to do this……

Adjustment, my new favourite word…..


Monday the 2nd December 2013

I am home, which is so nice but also weird. I am such a carer, I like to look after people, so being in the reversed role is not easy. I know it is a gift for others to allow them to care for me and that it is selfish to not share that role. So I am trying.

I remember when my Mum was in the final stages of her disease and the cancer had progressed to her bones and organs she needed 24 hour care. As a family we all rallied as much as we could and looked after her at home. Well, to be specific she moved in with one of my sisters and we did our best to support my sister. Obviously, most of the care fell on this one sister, until mum was in the final stages and we were all there together.

My Mum fought this care, she too was a carer and she did not allow us to care for her. This broke most of our hearts, as we just wanted so desperately to care for her as she has so lovingly cared for us growing up. She struggled and in many ways became frustrated, as she was less able to do things for herself.   This translated into so much tension for her as we tried desperately to love and look after her. Fighting about something like this was the last thing any of us needed.

So seeing this battle and feeling it on the receiving end, I do not want to be the same I want to allow others to care for me when I need it. It is not easy it does not come naturally to me at all. I learned from my Mum to care for others, not to receive.  She taught me well, actually she taught all of her girls well.

My Mum would not ever ask for help, she walked on a fractured hip for weeks before the Doctor would even Xray it for her. I remember him saying to her, “if it was broken there is no way you’d be walking!”   He did not know my Mum hey!

So I am adjusting to asking for help, even getting out of the chair is hard; my chest is just so sore. The unexpected pain is the drain site. The drain is through my chest and into the space where the tissue was removed from my breast. There is about 0.5 cm of tubing wound up and around my chest. There is a bag attached and each day a Community Nurse comes and measure the fluid makes sure there is no infection and drains the bag.

The drain it self is so sore at the site of the entry into my chest. The nurses refer to it as “drain pain.” Apparently at times the drain can push on or aggravate nerves, this causes a burning pain that is hard to describe. This is the worst part so far, it is so painful there are times where I am afraid to move because it is like a hot knife in my side. They say it will be in for at least 2 weeks – too much fun!

I am propped up in bed at night unable to sleep well; I am a stomach or side sleeper so this is not acceptable. When I do sleep it is due to pure exhaustion. Sleeping pills anyone? I have a few to play with, most of them get me to sleep but I wake up at inhumane hours and then watch night time TV, which is scary.

I have woken poor Marc so excited about steam mops and all kinds of gadgets, selling him all of the benefits that have been drummed into my subconscious through the wee hours. You are so vulnerable at this time of day! Marc is thinking, “hide the credit cards!!”

It’s quite worrying really, how many people fall prey to this unrelenting marketing when they are at their weakest. Perhaps I should start a group called “Home shoppers anonymous” “Hi My name is Kylie, I shop at 2am from my darkened bedroom whilst wearing a snuggy purchased through this very shopping method.”

Surely I am not alone, am I?