I woke thinking it must be morning and I looked at the clock to see 1145pm!!! I almost cried. My back, knees and hips are aching so much I am beside myself. Lord I need you to give me rest!
The night creeps along so slowly, I watch some TV as I just cannot lie there staring at the ceiling anymore. The TV whilst crappy is a welcome distraction from the pain within my skin.
At 6am I drag myself from bed. It is the first day of school for Moni and Sam has a day at a friends house. So I crawl about the house getting things organised. It’s times like these when I want to give a shout out to Mums all over the world. No matter what is going on you just get it done.
I slink home from the school run and fall into a heap on the bed. The heartburn is so bad I feel like I have hot coals in my chest. At least I know what it is now, last cycle this really scared me. I am nauseous, flat, hot, my thought world is so fuzzy I am just so YUCK. I can’t stand myself…..
I slip in and out of troubled sleep until the afternoon. Then I need to get up as the kids need to be picked up and my sister who has also been diagnosed with breast cancer is coming to stay the night in preparation for the genetic counsellor tomorrow. She is really not wanting to go down this path but is doing so to help me. How lovely is she?
She arrives and it is great to see her but I am in so much pain I can’t enjoy it. We try to sit and talk on the couch but my legs are aching so much I can’t sit. In the end we both go to bed.
I don’t want to have another night awake so I try not to think about it. Yeah right as if that’s gonna work
So I am off to bed, hoping and praying for some rest. Also praying that tomorrow will be a good day for us. Each one of my sisters is feeling differently about the genetic counsellor. My sister, who was diagnosed 9 years ago and has had a double mastectomy and oovectomy is worried about implications for her daughter and sees it like “what have I given my children?”
I on the other hand feel like “it is already done and knowledge is power.” My other sister who is cancer free is thinking what do I do with this information. Do I wait or do I act? Each situation unique, the related decisions are tough and so personal.
This is new and very tricky terrain, I respect and value where each of my sisters is coming from. So I pray that tomorrow is a good day, a helpful day, an empowering day.