tiredness – Page 3 – Bald Barren And Boobless

Tag: tiredness (page 3 of 3)

Some days are just hard

So I am now Day 10 post first chemo round. I slept ok thanks to many drugs now at my disposal. My ovulation pain has stopped which is great, one less pain. But the heat coming from my body is unbelievable, not even in a hot flush sense but pure heat radiating from my hands , feet, torso, it’s amazing and really uncomfortable.

Marc will be sitting next to me and can feel me radiating. My hands and feet are swollen and hard to use, so walking and little things like opening jars etc are hard to do. I had to have a blood test today to ensure my white cell count does not go too low.

Highlight of my day a great friend from my school days comes to visit. It’s the first time I have seen her in probably 18 months. We have our oldest boys (13 now) just 2 weeks apart and they get on really well too.

We have a simple lunch, I am so excited to have her and her family here I am not focusing just how achy and yuck I feel. They leave after a few hours and I decide to lay down. Small bursts of excitement work for me at this stage.

I drag my sorry butt to my bed and as I lay down my beautiful puppy Betty Boo (yes that her in the picture) pees on the bed. I seriously want to cry. She doesn’t know any better, it’s my fault that I didn’t take her outside and my tank is in the negative now. Besides, look at that face how can you get cranky with someone so cute.

So after I change the sheets and put them in the washing machine I lay down. Oh man how good it feels to lay down and not move my aching bones. Then I need to go to the shops to get food for dinner. I am exhausted, aching, sore and having pain at my surgery site, (right mastectomy).

It’s weird I feel the nipple and all kinds of weird sensations sometimes like let down when you breast feed. Very strange indeed as there is nothing there. My right chest is concave, unless you see it it is hard to imagine. It’s not just like a flat chest like a Mans, its concave. It is truly strange when you are used to the lovely womanly curve that used to be there.

As I swallow the Endone that will allow me to sleep I am thankful for old friends, for laughter, for clean sheets and for my family that I love and that love me. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

Meeting a fellow Warrior

November 5, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 3 Comments

I slept well again –the difference being no Endone last night, a further improvement! I woke early as Marc is playing at church this morning, we were being silly mucking around and ended up laughing so hard we couldn’t do anything else for a good few minutes.

It was so good to have a good old belly laugh – man it is good for the soul. He leaves for church and I have a few sacred hours to myself in the house where it is quiet. I cherish these moments when everyone else is asleep and I just get to sit and enjoy the stillness. It is one of my favourite times.

The church service was amazing and afterwards we had arranged to meet with another couple who are on a similar journey. The difference being, she was diagnosed a month before me, and because of her cancer being different she has had to have chemo before surgery.

It was so lovely meeting them both. I recognised her straight away as she had the cancer cap on. She looked weak but strong on the inside. We talked, I asked many questions like “why the chemo first?”

She explained that she wanted to preserve as much breast tissue as possible so she could potentially have a lumpectomy instead of a mastectomy. She is the only in her family to be diagnosed so has a very different view of breast cancer to me.

It was so lovely to speak with another woman who understand the fears, the concerns, the feelings of being so sick that blinking is too much. She encouraged me to rest as rest is healing and when you allow our body to heal you recover faster. I call her my warrior woman friend. She inspires me so much and she understands what it’s like. The picture has been chosen strategically. In all of the pictures available each of the women is really voluptuous, which no longer connects with me, so I picked this one.

An added bonus, our Husbands connected really well which was wonderful. There is so little support for the men standing with their women through this awful journey. So we plan to stay in touch, to resource and support each other. She gave me a contact for the cancer caps so if and when I decide to use them I can get some.

They looked funky on her and I am sure at least initially and in certain settings I will want to wear one. I am generally feeling a little better today, less pain, mouth ulcers still awful, still tired, digestion a little better but ovulation pain is really bad.

So if you are reading this and are on the journey too, find someone you can connect with, even if it’s online. Having someone who knows what you are going through makes such a difference.

Waiting and watching for the inevitable.

November 3, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 2 Comments

persist quote I can’t believe it I slept like a log. When I finally woke I felt like I had a hangover.- believe me it was a slow start to the day. I am a little sore, probably after the Pilates. But hey, it a positive sore. YAY! I cannot tell you how nice it is to have a good sore for once.

For months now each time something is sore there has been some type of catastrophe or trauma associated with it, today it’s because I exercised – woohoo! I have developed mouth ulcers, hang on let’s say GI tract ulcers. I am pretty sure they go most of the way down. Each time I eat I can feel them burning and sore. They are all trough my nose also, any mucous membrane. I have been a little slack with the mouth wash.

One of the many tips they give you is to wash many times each day with a bicarb mouth wash to avoid or help with mouth ulcers. I keep forgetting and am also so dang tired that I lay in bed and think, “should do mouth wash, nahh couldn’t be stuffed.” So this would be me paying the price for that now.

I am now day 9 since chemo began and they say anywhere from Day 13-21 your hair will begin to fall out. I am psyching myself up for it. It is a weird thing to be waiting for. I’ve read some weird experiences. Some people wake up and their hair is on the pillow. One poor lady woke to find her eyebrows staring back at her from the pillow. Now that would be difficult to describe.

As a normal woman we spend most of our adult life trying to rid ourselves of excess or any hair in the so-called unacceptable places. Now I am waiting and watching to lose it all. I mean literally all. You lose, head hair, eyebrows eyelashes, leg hair pubic hair EVERYTHING! Talk about head spin.

That step makes it really real; I can no longer hide. Yes I don’t look or feel well now but no one knows unless I tell them. When your bald everyone knows it’s the BIG C.

As I am day 9 now I have 12 days until the next round. So I will begin to feel “almost normal” with the exception of the tiredness and some of the longer lasting symptoms before I go back and say “Sing it again Sam.”

I am having ovulation pain today that means my ovaries have not stopped functioning with the first dose of chemo, they will with the next round for sure. I look forward to the day when my energy is back, look out world.

I begin to feel human again – small steps

October 31, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 0 Comments

small steps I slept well again! Woo hoo for Endone! I woke at 7am, it’s almost a miracle. The tiredness is still overwhelming; it is truly hard to explain.

I have a fuzzy head and it’s like I am trying to think but my head is full of custard (weird analogy but the best I can do). I still have indigestion that would mame most horses and my tongue is numb. It is the weirdest thing.

Also my taste buds have changed, I can no longer taste anything but this persistent metallic taste – it is not pleasant. Everything tastes like this persistent unpleasant metal taste, even chocolate…… It’s heart breaking stuff. The only thing that tastes normal is liquorice, weird hey? Lucky I like liquorice.

I went on an outing on my own today to the shops! Now that’s progress. I think I need to have small daily projects, like “go to the shops ,” “get dressed,” “shower.” Small steps baby.

Honestly, if my to do list grows much more than that I am setting myself up for failure. I do believe a big part of this journey for me is redefining that I am not what I do. I am who I am and I am enough. I do not need to prove myself through my works. I have been trying to prove myself through my works for many years and believe me it is exhausting.

I did 40 minutes on the Pilates reformer today so that was a huge achievement. Look, it is slow and it is gentle but its movement, Yay!

Being such an over achiever for such a long time this experience has real smacked me between the eyes. I cannot push through or past this, it has me at its mercy and I must obey. So I will listen to the wisdom of my body, I will accept myself for where I am at, I will appreciate the smallest things.

For example just sitting in the front yard watching Bettty Boo chase insects and butterflies. It is such a simple thing to do but I would never have taken the time to do that before. Daily small miracles is what it is all about.

I learn the unpredictable nature of this journey

October 22, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 1 Comment

I slept better, thank goodness for Endone, it helps so much with the bone pain. So it still school holidays here and I have nowhere to be. I decide to take a bath, thinking that it will relax me.

In the bath I am thinking, this is one of my thinking spaces. I am compiling a “To Do” list as I do. After soaking for a good 20 mins in a lovely Epsom salts bath (a very nice way to detox people) I get out and dressed.

I am then devoured by the most indescribable tiredness, I cannot explain to you the depth that this tiredness seeped into my body. I literally went straight back to bed. I was so exhausted that thinking was hard. So I lay down and just be.

The pain in general and the general feeling of illness and toxicity is subsiding. My digestive tract is still inflamed and angry but better. The indigestion is still ridiculous, but at least I know I’m not dying of a heart attack. That alone eases the anxiety.

I played on my Pilates reformer today, only 10 minutes but it was movement and it felt good. I intend to do this more frequently so that my body remains mobile.

I slept on and off all day, and then we got Thai take away for dinner. Some of it had the smallest amount of chilli on it and I feel red raw from my mouth all the way down.

So a little more progress today, I do feel a little better and we will see what tomorrow brings. A very wise woman said to me not to fight the lethargy, to allow my body to rest and to heal. This is not in my nature, I am a fighter, I have always fought to do more than I should to be more, to accomplish more. This war on my body is too much. I need to listen to my body and be kind. Allow my body to rest and heal. Then and only then I believe I will win the battle .

Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Tag: tiredness (page 3 of 3)

Some days are just hard

Meeting a fellow Warrior

Waiting and watching for the inevitable.

I begin to feel human again – small steps

I learn the unpredictable nature of this journey

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