I finally get to sleep by 1.30am with Valium, and am awake at 2.30am – WTF!!! I’m awake every hour and just don’t know what to do with myself. By 4am I’ve been watching the “Under the Red Dress Project” on my phone and am so inspired.
I thought about “behind the smile” as so many times people have said to me that I’m smiling, I must be doing things easily. How little they know.
My tummy feels really blocked and bloated. My thinking is slow and fuzzy. My tongue is small and dry. My hands and feet are swollen and hot. I find myself saying, “Your joy is my strength Lord, I will rejoice in this day.”
Seriously, without something bigger, a greater purpose and strength, it would be easier to just lay down and say,” No more” some days. To those struggling to get through the day, I send you strength and kindness. I am sorry you have to journey through this and I pray you are surrounded by love and support.
It’s another long day with a conference, and again I’m in bed by lunchtime exhausted. I really don’t know what i was thinking coming along. I have such FOMO, (Fear of missing out), yet here I am in my room just wanting to chuck my guts up 🙁 So have I missed out or not??
I wake and I am feeling flatter then a flat thing if you get my drift? But Lord you are my strength, thank goodness I could not do this without you. My little list for the day;
- blood test to make sure I’m ready for chemo tomorrow
- see the doctor
- have acupuncture
- take the dog to the vet
- driving lesson with Mon
- preparation for tomorrow
- breast cancer support group tonight
I’m exhausted just looking at this list. How on earth did I end up with a day like today? I think even the idea of staying in bed would have been too much me today. Well no point whining, it won’t change anything – except make it even harder.
I get through the day, I really don’t know how. Group was good, is great to be able to share with people that really know what you’re going through. I made Scotty and Luke’s pumpkin superfood soup for dinner. OMG!! It is so good. I did it with the intention of preparing the most nourishing food for my body in preparation for the onslaught tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my last chemotherapy, I’m so excited but dreading it at the same time. By bed time I’m so achy I take 2 endone and 2 Valium – surely I will sleep, surely.
This morning I was optimistic, I babysat my baby niece Eliza. It was lovely to spend some time with her. Thank goodness she’s not running around just yet so I can keep up. After Eliza went home I had lunch with my sister. It was a lovely catch up but I need a Nanna nap.
I saw my gynaecologist today and was told that I can’t have my ovaries removed at the same time as my breast surgery. This really throws a spanner in the works as I really don’t want has too many general anaesthetics. I need some direction from my doctors. I refuse to panic. I’ve come too far to let panic take over now. So Lord I give this to you and I know that you have it in your hands.
I’m really tired now and seek out my mattress to rest. I wasn’t lying down too long before the kids came home from school. Then the afternoon ritual begins, it’s not a huge amount but when you are operating on empty, sometimes even breathing seems too hard. It’s about checking how the kid’s days were, considering what I will cook for dinner, working out what washing needs to be done and encouraging home work to be done.
By bedtime I am so achy and tired. I’m so desperate to sleep that my good friends – Endone and Valium will be necessary. So many decisions, so little energy to make them, some days everything seems too hard. I’m sure things will feel brighter in the morning.
I slept ok with the help of Mr Valium. I woke at 1.30 am on fire! These menopause symptoms really suck. I had to stand up in front of the fan and spray myself with cold water. Eventually I cooled down. It’s hard to cool down when the heat is coming from the inside out.
So when the alarm went off today , to say I was not keen to get up is an understatement. I had to literally drag myself from the mattress.
Today we saw the Financial Planner who explained that we should be getting an answer from the insurer this week regarding any financial support we are entitled to while I am having treatment, recovering and not working.
To date the entire cost has been borne by us, thank goodness we refinanced our mortgage and had some wiggle room. Imagine for yourself, one day you find out you have a chronic and long term illness and you stop work pretty much immediately without an end point. That’s what happened to us.
Let me tell you despite private health cover, this process is not cheap. In fact it’s really expensive. So this has been a real challenge in more ways than one. Yes private health is such a blessing but the gap required on all treatments is significant.
The waiting game has been so frustrating, but I need to keep reminding myself, God has our back. He has a plan and when we need to know, He will let us know.
I went back to bed mid morning exhausted, and stayed there until after 4pm. I sleep so much but never really wake feeling rested. It’s quite annoying. You think that basic math would work in terms of catch up sleep, but here it does not.
I took Betty (our pup) for a walk, and tonight we had puppy school. She is truly the naughtiest pup in school, we have the problem child for sure. Tomorrow is a big day, I meet with the clean eating Bondi boys of MKR fame, and Moni sits her P plate drivers test. It’s a big day ahead, have your way Lord!
I wake after an average sleep, today I see my Oncologist. In general my doctor is really happy. She says my white cells are low, but manageable. She explains that my body has handled the chemotherapy relatively well. I put this down to being so meticulous with my diet.
I’ve tried so hard to nourish my body with good food and rest. I haven’t been perfect at this but I’ve given it a great shot. Because I’ve handled the chemotherapy so well my doctor thinks we can move my second surgery forward to the end of April, instead of June. This means I will have my second breast removed and begin the reconstructive process at this time. I’m also considering having my ovaries removed as the tumours were oestrogen driven.
This afternoon we get more questions from our Insurer about my claim for financial support. They are questioning whether or not I knew that cancer was present before I put in a claim. We know this is the insurance companies job to question every aspect, but the idea that they are questioning my integrity really, really hurts.
All I can do is give this to God and believe that He has it in his hands. Tonight we were with our amazing Connect Group from church. It was such an amazing and supportive night. The importance of being surrounded by such positive, uplifting and supportive friends is beyond words. God you are so gracious and loving it is beyond my words to explain how much you mean to me. Your Love alone can move mountains. I am so glad I can share this very big, very ugly, very immoveable mountain with You.
I have read and heard this very wise quote;
“We are not Human Doings. We are Human beings!” LIGHTBULB MOMEMT FOR ME. We need to be able to be still, to find quietness, to connect with ourselves and (for me) with God. Just be….. Honestly, this really challenges me. I am not sure if I even really understand what this means let alone how to do it.
However, it is particularly important for me as a travel this winding road that I pause and allow myself time to trust God, to give him my cares and concerns. He has promised to carry our burdens.
I am so much a person who was wired to define myself by my works, Am I good enough? Have I done enough? Will I be enough? This journey is teaching me that this is not the case. God has already said that “I am enough.”
He is my stopgap, I just need to lean into Him and all will be well. I really needed to do this today. Shopping was a nightmare. So many people. So much frustration in the air.
Sam and I had fun, we usually do. I am so thankful that he has such a wonderful disposition and sense of humor. He sees himself as responsible for making me laugh each day. How utterly beautiful is that?
We get the school stuff, Sam has a hair cut and by the time we get home I am literally exhausted! I am in bed with aching joints and a lagging persistent headache that will just not leave me alone.
I took Endone to help me sleep. The wonderfully helpful and insightful Edward Zia wrote a blog, click here to read it, about Marc and I and our story that he sent out into the world today. That was so thoughtful. His words were too kind. He spoke of me as a warrior and being so tough. Honestly, I am just putting one foot in front of the other and doing what I think is best for me and my family. There is no toughness form my perspective,
Once again I find myself feeling so thankful for the people around us who just keep showing up and being there when we need it. Just amazing.