Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Tag: Body aches and pain

Descending into the depths

sadnessI woke at 2am, then was wide awake until 430am. It’s the weekend so no school run, yay! Thanks you for small miracles and gifts each day. So I slept in, or rather stayed in bed. I feel quite nauseous, sore, slow, everything is buzzing, hot, swollen just yuck!

An old friend from my high school and Uni days called and we spoke for a while, that was really nice. I continued in bed, it just seemed too hard to do anything else. I am finding the nausea is much worse this round.

It’s my 42nd birthday tomorrow. I pray it’s a nice day and I can do something with the family. I have a long history of struggling with my birthday. First of all my Mum was so great at making us all feel like princesses for the day.  She went over the top and made it really difficult for anyone to compare to the big effort she made.

It wasn’t about spending money rather being thought of.  I have so many wonderful memories. Then I got married and my ex Husband was pretty hopeless. He was ok initially but as his world spiralled out of control I was last on the list and I am pretty sure he forgot the last 4 or 5 of my birthdays.  To add to this I left him on the last birthday we were together which happened to be my 30th.

So I have a history of sad days and unmet expectations. The last birthday with him I remember finding out he had spent more at the pub the day before. The forgot my birthday with an “oh f@#k its your birthday” at 12pm, then handing me a broken photo frame.  Special times…..

Looking back he was such a mess how could he do anything else. They were certainly hard times though. So my new outlook is to not have expectations and to spend time with the people I love.  My Husband Marc is wonderful and really makes and effort, there is just so much sensitive scar tissue there.

It almost like each year I compete with the ghost of birthdays past each year and enough is enough. Time for a new way, out with the old in with new healthier ways.  Easier said than done, but at least I am aware and working toward a better way.

So I stayed in bed, lamenting on how much I miss my Mum, particularly when I feel so sick and my birthday is looming. Wondering how she would be feeling knowing her baby girl is on the same journey with breast cancer as she was.

I’m glad she is not here really as she would have been racked with guilt, even though it is not her fault at all. I love you Mum xxxx.

Some days are just hard

photoSo I am now Day 10 post first chemo round. I slept ok thanks to many drugs now at my disposal. My ovulation pain has stopped which is great, one less pain.  But the heat coming from my body is unbelievable, not even in a hot flush sense but pure heat radiating from my hands , feet, torso, it’s amazing and really uncomfortable.

Marc will be sitting next to me and can feel me radiating.  My hands and feet are swollen and hard to use, so walking and little things like opening jars etc are hard to do.  I had to have a blood test today to ensure my white cell count does not go too low.

Highlight of my day a great friend from my school days comes to visit. It’s the first time I have seen her in probably 18 months. We have our oldest boys (13 now) just 2 weeks apart and they get on really well too.

We have a simple lunch, I am so excited to have her and her family here I am not focusing just how achy and yuck I feel. They leave after a few hours and I decide to lay down. Small bursts of excitement work for me at this stage.

I drag my sorry butt to my bed and as I lay down my beautiful puppy Betty Boo (yes that her in the picture) pees on the bed. I seriously want to cry. She doesn’t know any better, it’s my fault that I didn’t take her outside and my tank is in the negative now. Besides, look at that face how can you get cranky with someone so cute.

So after I change the sheets and put them in the washing machine I lay down. Oh man how good it feels to lay down and not move my aching bones. Then I need to go to the shops to get food for dinner. I am exhausted, aching, sore and having pain at my surgery site, (right mastectomy).

It’s weird I feel the nipple and all kinds of weird sensations sometimes like let down when you breast feed. Very strange indeed as there is nothing there.  My right chest is concave, unless you see it it is hard to imagine.  It’s not just like a flat chest like a Mans, its concave.  It is truly strange when you are used to the lovely womanly curve that used to be there.

As I swallow the Endone that will allow me to sleep I am thankful for old friends, for laughter, for clean sheets and for my family that I love and that love me.  Tomorrow is a brand new day.