Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Tag: being bald

Gotta get my insomnia sorted out

I Kylie's Personal Journey Documentary_Stage 1.woke at 1:11 AM feeling like I’d had hours of sleep. AAARRRGHHHH!!!

I’m wide awake, I’m having intense hot flushes, I just don’t know what to do with myself. I think a good option is to spray myself and stand in front of the fan.

What a sorry sight I must be standing in the darkness of my bedroom. One boob, no hair, bald as a badger and sweating from head to toe. I know what a beautiful site you must be imagining right now.

Eventually the hot flush subsides and I contemplate going back to bed. However it’s not that simple, the intensity of these hot flashes mean that I am wide awake so sleep is not an option for a while to come. Thank goodness for recorded episodes of “The Block.” I promise you, this has saved my life. Combined with the fact that my husband can sleep while I have the TV on its such a blessing.

I eventually wake at 6:30 AM after falling asleep around 4 AM. I feel like I have a hangover, I really need to sort out this insomnia. How on earth is anyone meant to function with no sleep.

In general my pain is a little less today, I’m tired but I’m getting used to plodding along anyway. Again no rest today too many things to do. I need my blood test to track my body’s response to the last round of chemo as well as seeing if I’m ready for the next round.

I also have a visit from two good friends both are also work colleagues and keep me in the loop as to what’s been happening in the world of business. One of them is a lady in a complimentary business that we have worked with the years. The other has been my partner in business so many years. Both of these women are tremendous gifts to my life.

At the end of their visit my business partner mentions that if I am open to it she may consider buying me out of our business. This comes as both a shock as well as an opportunity. Because I don’t know what the future holds it may be worth considering how I can simplify things.

However, another part of me feels like one of my dreams has just been taken away. We always had a big vision for our business. To think this may change in a way that I never expected challenges me. Again I need to take some time and see what is going to be best for me and for the business. I also need to remember that her intention is to take pressure off of me and give me the space to get better.

I went for another swim tonight. These hot flushes are so exhausting, depleting, disgusting, frustrating. My hair that had just started to grow back has begun to fall out again. I think I’m going to go for the clean skin that look and just shave my head whenever I need it. I don’t want to look like a sucked out mango. Again another beautiful visual for you all.

I came out today!

Kylies Peronal JourneyBefore you freak out, read on ladies and gentlemen.

I woke feeling better today, so good that I did 40 minutes of Pilates. Marc and I went out and did some errands. By lunch I had began to feel the familiar creeping of achiness, pains and general crapiness return. My hips just ache. In my head I wonder about my Mum’s bone cancer that was all through her hips. Yuck…  She had so many aches and pains too….. Don’t go down that road!  not helpful at all.

I had to start the dexamphetamine again today in preparation for chemo in 2 days. They say it can give you a buzz – I pray for that! I am so tired and sore that a chemically induced buzz sounds awesome to me.

So, as I said in the beginning – I came out today. I decided to venture out into the big bad world Bald. It was mostly empowering, I did get a few strange looks. You see, because I look quite well, people say my skin is glowing. You can’t tell my right boob is missing (especially with a carefully placed scarf or if i wear the prosthesis) so I am sure people wonder if it is a lifestyle choice to be bald.

It is quite confronting when you feel that judgment happening though. Anyone who has ever felt judged in any way will know what I mean. I felt the same way when I first separated and divorced. Particularly, amongst some extreme religious people who I felt looked down at me like a quitter or a failure.

However, I know that only God judges me. I also know He has forgiven me, I know He loves me, He is with me and that He will never leave me, so that gives me so much comfort and strength.

I am learning that I am more than my looks.  Now this is a biggie for any female.  The world teaches us that we are our looks.   It’s funny I would be able to say to anyone else, “lovely you are not your looks, you are so much more,” buy my own self-talk is not the same. The battlefield of the mind hey? I heard a very wise man say recently “the hardest person we will ever deal with is ourselves.” How profound.

Funny story – I was out and about with my prosthesis in as you do. I did not feel brave enough to be ‘bald’ and ‘boobless’ in public just yet. I was looking in the mirror in the ladies when I noticed that my prosthesis had migrated north. It’s like it wants to be promoted to a shoulder pad! You have to laugh….                              well I do anyways…..

Marc and I took the kids to Youth at church tonight and after a good rest we went out for dinner. On the way home we stopped in at the best gelato in Sydney “Messina.”

It tasted wonderful at the time but I am as sick as a dog afterwards L One more day of normality until the next treatment….

Welcome to a new world!

Kylies Peronal JourneySo it’s my second day as a Baldy Fritz. I woke early and had no energy AGAIN! I spent most of the day in bed, my “To Do” list was not touched for another day 🙁

Today, Sam called me a “silly bald woman” and I responded with “that is your one and only chance to do that!” I can’t even remember of it was out of frustration or him being comical, either way, it’s a fine line hey.

We had our connect group from Church over to our place tonight. What a wonderful group of people they are. They are like family, they walk with us through the tough times and cheer with us through the good times.

This experience has really reinforced just who important it is to have good people in your corner.  Man it just makes the world of difference to have people who you can call on for encouragement, rot listen, to make you laugh, to help out practically.  It is really so humbling.

Tomorrow it’s back to school shopping for Sam and I. Can you imagine anything worse??? Shopping on a hot day in school holidays when every other parent s doing the same thing, with no energy and no hair?

I am beginning to get into the mindset for me next treatment which is only 3 more sleeps away. I have read and heard people say this is one of the hardest parts of the schedule. You just start to feel more energised,  almost human again and you go back for more poison (sorry treatment 🙁 ).

Well it’s back to bed for me and my bald head.  I must say one bonus? It takes me much less time to get ready to leave the house 🙂