Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Tag: worry

Lack Of Sleep Takes It’s Toll

worry graphic
I slept pretty badly again.  I was so aching and hot all night long.  I woke in a really really bad mood and unfortunately took it out on my poor man.  I’m sure this journey is so hard for the partners, the husbands, the men who stand by their wives.  I’m trying so hard not to take it out on him but I just have no ability to stop myself.

We’re late getting off to school this morning, Marc can get really frustrated when we run late.  The kids struggle when Dad is angry, as he is always so happy.  They retreat into themselves.  I see it and want to reach out, but have nothing in the tank.  So I watch, get sad and think that I will attend to that when I am able.

I worry for my quiet child.  So sensitive and such a big heart.  Lord please let him know security in you like no other.  Please be there for him if/when I’m not.

I slept most of the day.  I did a little tidying up but I’m really not up to much.  The story with the local paper was easier than I thought.  I pray they represent me accurately.  I’m only sharing my story to help others.  If one other woman reads this article and has a breast check, then it’s been worth it.

Yay! It’s Chemotherapy day!!! Part 2

chemotherapy picChemotherapy is so toxic. It attacks and kills not just cancer, but also all the living, healthy cells in the body and completely cripples the body’s immune system. – www.cureyourowncancer.org

So as the real chemotherapy enters my body I actually do get a headache and begin to feel nauseous. Now I am second-guessing myself, is it real or am I Imagining it? I ensure that we ask every question we have and take notes. Marc has to do this as I am still wearing the ice gloves.

I feel a little more relaxed, there is some tingling in the hands and feet, we advise the Nurse as this is a bad sign and they slow down the delivery of the drugs. I look around the room to notice that cancer is completely indiscriminate. There are young and old here, men and women. All at various stages, some with hair, some without. Some look otherwise normal, some look really sick.

Marc and I have strangely enough had fun today, we have laughed, talked, joked about. It’s been rather lovely really. Apart from the fact I have a raging headache, feel like I want to vomit and have a weird buzzing pain all over my body, I have had a lovely day.

We have spoken bout he possibility of the new edition to the family in the form of a pup. Marc states that he really didn’t intend to suggest we bought a puppy. I ask him honestly how he feels and he is quite excited. He just won’t show it.

I suggest we just go and look at her and ask some questions. For example how do we ensure that the pup and our older dog get along? We cannot upset our older dog, he has been with us for 14 years.

So we agree that we will pop in and have a look at the pet store. After all we need to head the get some drugs from the chemist, I need a combination of uppers and downers, inners and outers, drugs to make you go potty and drugs to stop you, what a mess.

My tummy is percolating as we leave at 5pm and head to the shops. My body is buzzing and everything feels really surreal. I am in for a ride I reckon.  I determined to remain calm amidst the storm.

Yay! It’s Chemotherapy day!!! Part 1

ImageDid you know how toxic Chemotherapy is? Did you know that 9 out of 10 American Oncologists would refuse chemotherapy if they had cancer? That’s up to 91% — a huge percentage that clearly shines a light on the truth: chemotherapy kills. www.cureyourowncancer.org

I wake after a very broken sleep, and realise a sharp reality “Yay! It’s chemo day!!” I pack a bag of goodies; they tell you to take snacks, medication, questions and things to keep you busy. I took some healthy snacks, music, some books and a blanket so I was comfy.

On the way Marc shows me a picture of a puppy he saw in the pet store a few days ago, it is a mini pin (Miniature Pinscher or Doberman) just like our lovely old dog Benjamin. You don’t see them in pet stores very often. He captions the pic with “Please will you love me?” and sends it to the kids.

I think she (the pup) is gorgeous and immediately begin to want to get her and have her all for myself. I go into lengthy justifications as to why it would be a good idea as I will need company and someone/thing to love whilst recuperating, plus I have the time to train her. Yadda yadda – I’m sold…… Now to convince Marc.

We leave in the car towards a total unknown; the car ride is eerily quiet. I play one of my favourite songs by Kari Jobe called “Steady my Heart” with beautiful words about the challenges of life, and leaning onto our Almighty Comforter to get rest. She sings “I’m not gonna worry, I know that you’ve got me right inside the palm of your hand.”  I find my eyes welling up with the anxiety of today and the thankfulness I have that God is with me for every step.

We arrive and don’t wait for too long before our Oncology Nurse “Justin” takes us in to our armchair of destruction. Justin is really relaxed and lovely, he is very aware of how anxious we are and he did well to make us feel more comfortable. He explained everything, answering our enormous list of questions. We take some pictures of me with my new look, the ice gloves. This is to protect your fingernails from falling off due to the toxic effects of the treatment.

He inserts the Cannula and sets up the bag. He leaves me to relax and I begin to feel a headache coming on. I am trying not to imagine the toxin entering my body. My arm even begins to burn at the site of the cannula and up my arm.  I have been told to imagine it as healing light. However, I am struggling with this.  I feel fear erin to grip me.

Justin returns to put another bag up, I ask him what it is and he says, “Oh the treatment is about to start.” I’m am shocked and ask what has been entering my body already, he explains “ Only saline!!”

Oh my, the power of the mind! What a powerful lesson!  So as I am smacked between the eyes with my own over reaction I determine to settle in and get this first treatment done and done well. As the famous quote says : “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you’re right.

It’s cut off day

fearless quote Thursday 28th November 2013

Surgery day has arrived very quickly! We arrive at St George Private Hospital by 6am. We get all booked in and fill in all the paperwork. I have been nil by mouth since midnight.

The first “procedure” of the day is to have radioactive isotope injected at 9am. This is to see if any cancer has travelled out of the breast to the lymph nodes. It is a fairly new procedure so I am glad I get access to this new technology so to speak.

We meet another lovely lady and her family in the waiting room. She is there also to have the same procedure for a lumpectomy today. You can just see the fear on her face. Poor love. We make small talk and try to act like everything is going to be ok.

My lovely man Marc is with me every step of the way. Any one who knows us knows we cope with life through humour and lots of it. The poor technician that takes some images of me is very straight laced. Marc is trying to make him laugh and he is almost tripping over himself just to get out of the room more quickly. I am laughing so hard for a moment I forget what I am at the hospital for.

The injection of the radioactive substance really hurts but it only lasts a little while. This will trace the pathway from the breast to the lymph nodes so they can be biopsied and tested for cancer. I am then escorted back to the preparation area for surgery. I wear what I think is my most comfy mastectomy undies only to be told they are made of the wrong fabric and I need to wear these ridiculous paper ones. So uncomfortable, honestly there is no end to the embarrassment you experience.

The Breast care nurse comes by, she is lovely and makes me feel really at ease. She explains that I will receive some support regarding a prosthesis after the surgery and also receive support at home post surgery due to the drains I will have in place.  She also tells me I will get a soft prosthesis and a bra to wear after surgery.

The anaesthetist comes by and I feel like he has stepped of the set of mad men, he looks like he is right out of the 1960’s. A lovely man, funny, happy to chat, I am glad for the distraction to be honest. Its getting near 12 and I still haven’t gone in for surgery. I am becoming really thirsty and agitated, lets get the ball rolling people!!!

I finally go in for the surgery at 1pm. I get the smooth talking South American orderly who is as smooth as silk. He is wheeling me along and says in his smooth accent “So what is Santa Claus going to get you for Christmas?” Without even thinking is say “Breast cancer how about you?” Poor guy, does not have an answer for that and I am far too focused on the next part of my day to apologise.  I didn’t mean to sound nasty that is my bald sense of humour at times.

I am aware that I am awake and back in room by 5pm, I feel sore but ok.  I have a dressing on my right side chest and a drain coming from the right chest wall as well as a PCA for pain. At the push of a button I can get pain relief. Marc is there when I wake up which is nice. He has to leave at dinnertime so that the kids get fed, and I settle in for a quiet evening.

By 10pm I have the nurses encouraging me to get out of bed and use the toilet. This is not easy, it is very painful to move and I am not able to go. We realise pretty soon after a few attempts that it is more about performance anxiety than a surgical complication. PHEW!! I sneak to the loo by myself and am able to go, then tell the nurse that all is well.

Then at about 1030 the anaesthetist comes and says “hello.” What an unexpected and lovely surprise. After some routine small talk, he asks “so do you remember anything during the procedure?” I answer, “No should I?” He responds with a weird, “Nooo”.   He then vanishes into the night.

After he has left I look in the mirror and notice that I have a black eye!!! What on earth happened in that operating room?  As I lay there, laughing to myself,  pondering the endless possibilities I drift off into a broken sleep, first day after my mastectomy, I have survived, in fact I did quite well, I wonder what tomorrow will bring?