I am awake again from 2am but did not go back to sleep. Man I am tired, how can I not be exhausted. I haven’t slept well since mid November 2013 and I was exhausted before this all began.
Big day today, I will over the “hump” so to speak. Got my “Brave” t shirt on, acupuncture this morning to help with side effects. I shaved down for battle too as I had a light covering if hair that has tried to grow back only to fall out again soon after this next round.
At acupuncture, Amanda asked me about how I have been. I explained that I haven’t been resting out of guilt for not pulling my weight. She explained that guilt comes from a feeling of doing wrong, the only wrong I have been doing is not putting my health first. Ahhh, got it! A nice new way for me to approach things. Certainly a more kind approach than my default.
Chemo goes ok today, my veins are not co-operating, they have sunk deep into my flesh, in an attempt to avoid the toxic assault. It does not work for long as they are coaxed out with a warm wrap.
My white cell count is too high so again less injections afterwards – Yay! As I sit there the toxic cloud descends, I am reminded of this familiar foe. As the headache begins and my stomach begins to protest and twist I decide to think of the fact that I am making progress, I have one more to go before the next stage, surgery. I am making it.
Only, 7 days to go of this pain and illness before the sun begins to shine again. I can do it. Thank goodness for the journal which has really helped me map out how I respond to chemo. Such a blessing; please if you know anyone going through treatment like this encourage them to journal.
Tonight I sleep with the help of my new besties, “Endone and Valium.” Bring on the rest, after being up for close to 20 hours, goodness knows I need it.
I had another restless night. The mouth ulcers are coming back with a vengeance. My head feels fuzzy, (not literally, as I am as bald as a badger). My tank is empty, Marc is still feeling strung out, he is so worried about being back at work and balancing everything. I am trying to keep out of his way, to give him space but it is really hard.
I slept well again! Woo hoo for Endone! I woke at 7am, it’s almost a miracle. The tiredness is still overwhelming; it is truly hard to explain.
I did not sleep well at all, too much pain and heat for me to get much sleep. I was awake every hour or so, which adds to the exhaustion. Also, the nights are just so long and lonely.
So as I have said, I feel like I have entered the valley of the shadow of death. Don’t worry folks, I don’t plan on staying here. I have not slept at all well through the night. I am in so much pain I just cant get comfortable. My whole body hurts.
It may seem tedious but I am committed to keeping a daily journal through treatment as it helps me to manage symptoms, cycles and to plan ahead. If you or someone you know is going through a similar thing it can really help to identify patterns, discuss symptoms with their health team and help them to cope through forward planning. For example if you learn that days 2-8 are your worst then plan to look after yourself and rest as much as you can during those days.
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