Bad night, one of our dogs was really restless, waking me every hour.  Then they tag teamed it and the other had awful diarrhea from 430.  I have been awake playing nurse to a dog since then…..

I had lunch with an old colleague today it was really nice to see her.  We used to work very closely together, before everything changed….

The I had some physio for my chest and was given some deep manual massage and pilates moves and stretches for my chest and hips.  The exercises get everything moving again post surgery and also help to build strength again.  This is not only for my recovery but forward planning for me so that when we get to Hawaii I can paddle board as I am dreaming to do.

Visited a dear friend today who lost their beloved dog, they were heart broken it was seriously like losing family.  Then up until late supporting the kids with various school projects. I am bone tired now and desperately need sleep.

Well I slept until midnight ( I got to sleep after 11), then was awake unitl 2am, dosed for 30 minutes then awake until 430am, then slept until 6.  Of course it is a Monday…….

I am catching up with a dear friend today for lunch and a movie.  To say I am looking forward to it is an understatement.  We saw “the fault in our stars” I bawled like a baby!!  Sad, heart breaking, beautiful.  A great quote “ Pain must be expressed”

This really spoke to me as I struggle to show this, is it because I see it as weakness, I feel too vulnerable, not capable….hmmmm so much for me to consider.

So whether it is constructive or not it needs to be expressed.  I have read a lot about pain (and even emotions) getting stuck in our body and causing illness.  It is so interesting, I mean emotion is energy, so why can’t it get stuck.  This is something for me to ponder further for sure….

I have a lot of pain in my hips and knees again tonight, I ended up taking Tramal to help.  This bone pain is not one of my favourites.  My Mum really struggled with this and ended up with bone cancer.  Today this doesn’t play on my mind would be lying…..

Yay, I did sleep well, my period pain is quite strong but is responding to my Nurofen.  So funny how after the surgery, chemo, bone pain etc, period pain still hurts.

Church was AHHHMAZING today; Jentzen Franklin was seriously on fire!  So many praise reports.  A baby that was close to dying with a heart issue is healing, a close friend with heart failure is on the mend, many people said I looked better.  It is just so encouraging being around my fellow believers.

We had some of Marc’s old friends over for dinner tonight.  It is important to stay connected and sharing a meal has always been a way that we like to connect with people.

One of his friends asked me if I would change anything about the journey so far.    BIG QUESTION.  Glad he asked it on a good day.  I said I wouldn’t because it is teaching me so much that I may not have learned unless.  But I would change the system.  The system is broken, women need to be cared for, supported and educated on how to heal and prevent this from happening.  Doctors need to learn how to show empathy and not be scared to care.  Complementary medicine needs to be accepted and openly supported.

It was a lovely night, its late, I am so tired but wide awake….. I hope I sleep.

I woke at 2am to go to the loo, and sailed right back off to sleep only to wake at 730am??? Oh my, am I through the worst of it??   Don’t count your chickens Kylie, I say to myself….

I got my period today, weird, the oncologist said my cycle may not come back after chemo.  I had no warning, I was a little annoyed at that really.  I, in the bathroom talking to Marc about it almost indignant at the lack of warning, when he says “ so what is usually the warning?”  I say, “breast tenderness….”

Duhhhh how can you be warned when you don’t have any????   Thank goodness this revelation caused me to laugh out loud not burst into tears. My black humour has really served me well through this.

We had a wonderful breakfast with our new found friends who are also battling breast cancer as a couple.  Sharing this crap fight with another couple who get it is really encouraging us both.

Marc and I then had a quiet day. It was just so nice to S_L_O_W  D_OW_N

and spend time.  So nice….

It is a weird feeling experiencing period pain again, I truly thought it was over for me.  Does this mean my body is healing itself?   I think I will go with this story…

Quiet night, watched the Rugby (only for my mans sake), walked the dogs (only for their sake) and then off to bed, I need to sleep well tonight…

No sleep medication again last night….. drum roll please I slept through until 5am!!!!  Yay how wonderful is that??

I was awake enough to have quality time with Marc before he took off for work.  We get so little time together when we are both awake and he isn’t stressed about all he is required to do and I am not in pain.  I am so thankful that we allow each other to vent with our troubles and support each other.

I also work without a headache today, oh my… I do not know what to do with myself.  Today is a big day for me.  Catching up with a friend/mentor for lunch, then a business session with my old training buddies and taking kids to youth at church tonight.  I know it’s not much really but for me it is now a lot.

It was great to reconnect with my mentor; they have a lot on their plate too.  It just goes to show how life marches on; you are in a good season or a tough one.  We just need to be gentle and supportive of each other as we are all doing the best we can in any given moment.

I got through the day, Marc was home late (like after 11pm) as he is so busy at work at the moment. Tomorrow we are having breakfast with another couple battling cancer too, so here is to a good nights sleep.

I woke at 2am, the pain in my hips and knees woke me.  I would much rather be woke by sunlight in my eyes, a gentle shift from my man next to me or even a warm cuddle, but no, bone pain!

Marc said, “ how are you sleeping?”  I said excitedly, “Great! I didn’t even take a sleeping tablet last night.”  He retorted, don’t get too excited babe, its only 2am.”  Dang it! I thought it was morning……

I tried desperately to go back to sleep, eventually it happened and I work at 6am feeling like I had a well deserved hangover….  I felt worse than when I take the sleeping pills, its just not fair!

I started the Effexor today, no noticeable side effects except (sorry for the honesty) explosive diarrhea.  I know you do not wish to know this but the whole purpose of me sharing is for me to share so you don’t feel so alone.  If I paint this glorious picture of life after cancer, you will indeed feel so alone when you try to relate.

I also have a really strong metallic chemo taste in my mouth, its disgusting so licorice tea helps.  It is a cold and rainy day here today I am feeling determined and focused.  Just wanted to add, “I love you my Lord, you are my champion”.  Thanks goodness I can hold onto your strength when mine is low or shaky.

I am not sure why but 430 pm hits and I am in such pain I cannot handle it, my chest, my legs and hips.  I ended up relenting and taking some Tramal, within 30 mins the edge has been taken off.  What am I going to do when I have not pain tablets left???  I’ve already had some of my doctors say, this should be so painful now…. Yeah thanks for that.

I had a nice quiet night watching a movie with the kids and then off to bed by 10pm.  Oh another win, I meditated today!  Go me….

Thank you Lord, I rested and it was good!  The chest pain is less today but my body pain is more noticeable.  I feel different in myself, lighter, more optimistic, looking to the future with a smile.  Something has shifted and I am so grateful.

I had a great acupuncture session today and GP visit.  If you struggle with chronic pain or anxiety I encourage you to try it.  I didn’t believe it would work so well and it has been a gift straight from heaven.

I also saw my GP today and she has prescribed me Effexor to trial for the Hot flushes and pain.  I am not sure if I feel like I am giving up or doing the right thing?  Why should I feel like a failure for taking something that may help?  I would never even think someone else was giving up if it was them who were in my shoes so why do I say this to myself?

Good day all up, I did some stretches and light exercise. Was feeling wonderful, then spoke with a fellow cancer warrior who has been told her pathology report is not great and the cancer has spread to her lymph.  I am so angry at the unfairness of this disease.

So I was awake from 2am to 5am today, I am completely wasted…. I really need to get my sleep in check.  I just feel like I can’t wake up and my chest is sooooo sore.  I am really noticing a pattern between my fatigue and my pain levels.

So I have my business mentoring today, helping me set up things and do what I can while I cannot work.  Yes I know…. I struggle to stop and do nothing.  Then I took my daughter to the hairdresser and decided afterwards I will have a stress busting hot bath.  How nice!

I had a chat with an old work colleague today, it was lovely but I feel like I am so out of touch.  How am I ever going to get back into the swing of things.  I feel like my outlook on life and the way I even relate to things and to people is forever changed.

We have connect group tonight, it was lovely to connect with everyone and sits under God’s word with our connect group family.  It’s been hard continuing to run connect group with my illness and treatment but it has also blessed us so much.

We are planning Hawaii and it is beginning to feel real, how exciting!  I cannot believe it.  Soon we will be heading across the globe to sit on a beach and chillout…. Oh my it’s going to be great.

I am also noting today that the pain feels less controlling.  Ok, I’ve said it, I hope I haven’t jinxed myself.  I don’t understand why, maybe its just taking the time to allow things to settle.

I believe I will rest well tonight!

I fall into bed at 11pm again….. absolutely exhausted!  Yet its midnight and I am still awake……  I am trying not to use sleeping tablets but by 1230, I took one in desperation…..

I crashed, then bounced awake at 145am, this is complete torture.  I nodded off at some point and woke at 5am.  I guess I can say its getting better??  Spent some quality time with Marc before he went to work today, those moments when we can really talk and hear each other are so precious.

I saw my plastic surgeon today and he is happy with the drain site, aspiration results are clear, he expanded another 50 mls either side.  So now I am at 300mls, half way!!!!  Man I am quite sore, but I’ll be ok.  I’m so focuses don the end goal, I want to be free of this process, free of doctors and just try to get on with life….

I spoke with my big sister today who also went through breast cancer and she said she took Effexor for pain and hot flushes, she said it worked really well for her.  The dilemma…. to take or not to take, that is my question…

Had a lovely night with my stepdaughter, chatting and doing school stuff.  My brain still works at times.  Marc home at midnight tonight, he works so hard….. The guilt sets in, am not doing enough….. I need to pull my weight.  Devil get pout of my head, you have no place there…..

I’m in bed by 11 PM only to wake at 3 a.m. I go back to sleep and wake to shuffle my position from my semi left side to semi right side.  The pain in my chest stops me from laying on my sides.

Marc is up at 5 AM I read for 30 minutes and then I have a heavenly sleep until 830! Thank you Lord. My desperation for sleep is making me crazy.  My chest is very sore but I’ll manage with the pain medication.

One of my beautiful friends is here asking how she can help me. As many of you know this is such a struggle for me. But hey I asked her to do the vacuuming, I hear in the background and I just think thank you.

I read about a woman today who took six months to expand to 230 males and she is now having the implants removed due to pain. I at 250 mls only three weeks after surgery!!! So, comparatively I’m doin ok.

Today has been such a big day, I’ve done washing shopping cooking by 5 PM I’m really a key and I need to rest. For all those mums out there who are trying to recover from chronic illness of some kind I see you when you say it’s so hard. There’s always something to do and my darling husband cannot carry the entire load.  he’s already carrying so much.  I guess this is just life.