Again I wake up feeling at least 110 years old. I’m so sore that each day I’ve got to believe that I’m closer to feeling better.

Today I was reminded that I am beginning to live in the future, the unknown, that anxiety state of “what if” and “if only.”  I know I’m here because I feel the adrenaline surging through my system, the fear growing inside me, I feel catastrophe and overwhelm around every corner.

Today I say no more, I’m here today. Yes I am sore, tired, frightened, but I am here, I am loved and I am open to my Lord prompting me not to wish away this time. Each day is a precious gift, and I don’t want to waste a moment.

This is such a mind game, such a brain busting head hurting journey. You’ve really got to harness your thoughts and make sure that they are helping you. I have a very powerful mind and I can create whatever reality I decide to.

On a positive note my hair is growing back it’s about 5 mm all over. On a funny note today my wonderful husband said that I look like a man.  I suppose the fact that in two days time I’ll have no boobs will help with this (sarcasm sarcasm).  Gosh I’m blessed that we can laugh about these things.

I woke feeling so achy and sore this morning. I don’t know why I mention this every day because it seems like my new normal. But perhaps someone reading this will relate and it will help them feel like they’re not alone. It’s Friday and two days before my last surgery. In this surgery will be having my left breast removed as a preventative measure. I’m doing this because both my mother and my sister both had breast cancer comeback in the other breast after a mastectomy.  This is the only way that I believe I will feel safe in my body.

I saw the physio again today he is so wonderful such a positive force. He is so encouraging that I will regain my health and my zest for life and love it. I went and saw a funny movie today it was good but it certainly was not what I expected to see. I’m enjoying my solo movie days.

I felt really sick all afternoon it’s so up and down on this journey. Now that chemo has finished and the toxins are hopefully leaving my body I’m expecting to feel better. The hospital called today they are all ready for me on Monday. Every day a step closer to being better I really need to remind myself of this.

I’m at home today doing some study and errands. I still feel really emotional, I’m sad then angry – seriously I am all over the place. I just want to run away and not see anyone. The problem is I can’t escape myself.

I try to colour the great tuft of hair on my head and it just didn’t work it looks really stupid. Like I needed any more help to look weird.  I have physio tomorrow and I don’t go but I’m sure it will be good for me.  I am trying to avoid all Human contact, both for them and for my benefit.

I spoke to my sister and she reminded me that I’m meant to feel like crap until at least October. That’s purely based on the treatments and surgery I’ve had.  Considering it’s only May I am rushing myself again. It’s not a nice thought that October is so far away but I am on track. Thank goodness Marc will be home tonight to protect the kids from me (too funny, but true).

Wowsers!  What a big day today. I have a coaching call then I’m off to my GP to get my insurance forms completed. I then had acupuncture and Tattooing session back-to-back for my eyebrows and eyelashes. Yes I am still as bald as a badger.

I’m feeling quite yucky today, sad, angry, frustrated, uncomfortable, in pain and grieving. I don’t want to be stripped of my womanhood. I’m sick of feeling sick.

I got into the doctor’s surgery and she kindly asked me how I am and I just broke down. She wants to prescribe antidepressants to help with hot flushes and my mood. I don’t know how I feel about this I need to think about.

Acupuncture was great, my therapist gave me a big hug and said “let it out!”  So I did. She explained that e-motion means energy in motion. That we need to allow our feelings to move to be processed we shouldn’t sit on them and allow them to fester.

I find myself keeping it all in, so I am together and trying to protect those around me….. Not the best idea.

I told her that I meditated this morning and she explained that this probably opened up the channel for the emotions to surface. I’m feeling so tired and overwhelmed. So sick, bloated, achy and just gross. Lord help me.

Up early to attend “wellness woman” today. This is like a business breakfast the women focused on wellness whether they work in the industry will want to be well. I am sort of coming from both sides.

It was really great to meet like minded women who are committed to making a difference. It was also great to see my friend Tammy she’s been such an awesome support through this process. I also have them also sugar wheat and dairy free food which was YUM!

I had something called an acugraph done (it measures the energy meridians of the body) and the woman said that my she Qi or life force was the best of anyone in the room. Then she said whatever I’m doing keep doing it. Nice!

However she said my immune system was very low and I need to keep focusing on rebuilding it. Not surprising considering I’ve just completed chemo.

So we had Connect group tonight, I got my ugly support bras and my pyjamas for hospital too. I’m still feeling pushed and yuck as the next surgery day is fast approaching. I need to remind myself to keep leaning in to stop striving and allow God to hold me in his arms.

I saw the geneticist Saturday, no BRCA gene but something genetic is going on.  They explained that whenever cancer comes before the age of 50 it’s usually genetic or environmental.  They will put all the information into a letter, they are mostly concerned for my niece. Both her mum and her grandmother had breast cancer.  As well as ovarian cancer on her Dad’s side of her family.  I am believing that she will be protected from any of this experience.

It’s funny before my diagnosis I had no interest in finding out if I had the BRCA gene.  Now that I know I have cancer, I’m more open to the idea of prevention and being empowered with information. I knew that if I was told I had cancer in my genes before I was diagnosed that I could have worried myself into the illness.  The power of the mind……

I had coffee with one of the women from my support group, it was so nice. She shared a list of great books to read I think she will become a very good friend. It’s so nice to sit with someone who really understands what you’re going through.

Saw the plastic surgeon today and I need to get bra’s before surgery. They are not sexy, lovely, pretty bras but really ugly support bras. He is helpful and positive of a good result I need to prepay both him and the anesthetist. It will be another few thousand dollars before the expansion process is finished. Despite having private health cover it is still an expensive journey.

He said it will be a minimum of 6 to 12 months for the expansion process and he said that my chest will feel cold and weird. I can hardly imagine. Sam came home today was lovely to receive a big hug.

It’s Sunday today so we are up and ready for church early then I go to my girlfriends for lunch. It’s so important to remain connected with people that fill you up, that understand you and breathe life into you.

This is a friend of mine who is also in business for herself very similar to my business before my illness. She is so busy with her business, which is just great. Part of me really misses it. But I also feel in two minds. I know I cannot go back to working the way I was. I was exhausted, I’m sure it contributed to me becoming sick.  I don’t want to be so driven for work to be so relentless. But I need to build a profitable self-sufficient and sustainable business.

I want a business that makes a difference in the lives of everyday people. That helps me fulfil my purpose in this world. I know God wants me to do this and I know the way will appear at the right time.

Until then I need to lean into him and focus on getting well. This will be a challenge as patience has not been a virtue of mine.  When God says “I am the lamp to your feet,” I’m the sort of person who wants a floodlight shining 5 km ahead.  Trusting completely in God and being in the moment are skills I’m still working on.

I had a better sleep last night, but I still wake feeling so sore and stiff. We go back to normal life today after our spa and massages.

I spent some quiet time in the bath in hotel today and I was praying about why am struggling so much with his next surgery. It’s really baffled me how I could be so calm after being diagnosed with cancer yet this second surgery, the preventative surgery has got me all tied up in knots.

While I was praying about it, God revealed to me that I’m trying to do all of this in my strength not in his. My goodness what a revelation! It’s so true, when I was on my knees waiting for the cancer diagnosis I gave everything to God. Since then, I’m back in my own strength trying to do it all myself and of course I’m struggling. Thank you Lord for the powerful reminder.

After having such a lovely warm spa and massage Marc and I both want to get a spa now, we’ll put that on the bucket list. But back home this afternoon money comes home tonight, Sam home tomorrow.  I’m feeling overwhelmed as this month has flown and surgery is upon me very soon.  I will remember to lean into God and not to do in my strength. I got two more good books today about breast cancer, more reading, more learning, more understanding.