pain – Page 2 – Bald Barren And Boobless

Tag: pain (page 2 of 3)

Which way did that Truck go?

body outline I woke feeling like a Truck had hit me. Damn that Truck. My head is aching and fuzzy, sinus all clogged up, body aching and I just couldn’t seem to get going. I had a ‘to do” list in my head but when I got up I realised I was not going to win this battle so I went back to bed.

That’s honestly one of the things I struggle with so much along this journey and that is the unpredictable nature of each day. No matter what you do, you have very little control over how your body will be. I used to be like the old reliable car, every day it would start without question. Yes, it was in need of a service or two but it kept on going.

Now I just can’t promise anyone anything. Now I feel like the car that is the lemon. No matter what you do something goes wrong. This is a very big adjustment for me to make.

So, I listened to my body and got up in a few hours to eat, then exhausted went back to bed again. This lingering headache just will not go away. I am beginning to wonder if the last two “good days” meant I over did it? I’m just not sure anymore….

Our kids get back from camp today – we are excited and have missed them. I am still waiting for my hair to fall out but it seems today is not the day, Yay! I did warn the kids that when they come back I might be bald. They were both cool with it. How blessed am I? I was half waiting for them to ask me not to pick them up, how embarrassing to have a baldy fritz picking you up from camp?

At least I reckon I would have been embarrassed as a teen. My Mum going through her treatment never had chemo so she didn’t lose her hair. I wouldn’t have meant to be mean, but the teen years are tough enough without a bald mother to contend with too.

We had a friend over for dinner and we all sat about the table talking about love, life and the universe. It was really a great night. I am reminded over and over how blessed I am to have such a great family and group of friends surrounding me.

Seeing the Oncologist today

November 14, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 2 Comments

Woke feeling pretty good today. I have an Oncology visit again today. I still can’t wrap my head around that. “I have an oncologist.” This is a medical doctor I never thought I would have.

She is helpful, she listens, she writes me scripts to help with pain, digestive issues and sleep problems. Man I am taking so much medication. My Blood tests results were good, my liver is struggling but my white cell count was in the normal range! Yeah!

I also had acupuncture today; my positive blood results tell us both that the treatment is supporting my body well. I really feel like I am doing what is right for my body and me.

Came home had a rest and then out to dinner with some friends, rather a lovely day really. I am certainly feeling much less sick than before which is great. Although they say just as you begin to feel well again you head in for the next round.

I must say I am feeling uneasy about the whole “waiting for my hair to fall out” Scenario. Talk about mess with your head. It is due any day now. I have a cap in my bag at all times; I am making all sorts of jokes like “don’t be in a strong wind.”

It is really bizarre and I am afraid to touch my hair, just waiting for it to fall out in my hands. It is unlike anything I have experienced before. Man I hope I have a nice scone.

Finding my inner child

November 12, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 1 Comment

I am awake at 230am in a complete sweat, I had to spray myself and stand in front of the fan to try and cool down. I eventually go back to bed, but it is only broken sleep interrupted by bouts of me being on fire.

My head feels cloudy today, unsure if it is because I had a glass of wine with dinner last night. Found it hard to say No at the lovely French restaurant.

I decide to do some light pilates today, try and get this body moving again. We also had a professional development session with one of my business mentors. Despite stopping work and pausing the business we decided to continue to invest in ourselves and in the business.

It was a great session in fact it is where the idea to blog is born! I feel so determined to share my experience so that others don’t feel alone. I know everything I have read has helped me to feel less weird and more part of a community of people experiencing similar things.

I saw the psychologist today, he was recommended by my Naturopath. She said that the shock of such a diagnosis and surgery etc can take quite a toll and also can sneak up on you. I have felt in coping mode since it all happened and wonder if I am ever going to crumble or lose it completely.

It was a really interesting session. There was a real focus on me and acceptance of myself. For me to focus on what I am doing that works and to learn to appreciate myself more. Such foreign concepts for me. Another bonus is that he is a cancer survivor, so he knows what it’s like to be part of “the club.”

We identified that the part of me that had to grow up really quickly at 8 years old when my Mums cancer had spread to her bones has been a real driving force for me. Whenever things get tough I go into Mrs Fix it mode as the expense of my own well being. This little girl who needed to be loved and protected from the fears of her mum dying felt she had to forgo those and be the support for her family. Too much for a little girl to do. So its no wonder I turn into a workaholic, lacking the ability to nurture myself or be kind to myself.

So I will be learning to reconcile with that part of my past, I will learn to allow my inner child to know she is safe and loved and learn how to be carefree. Something I have no concept of.

Lots of learning here for me, but I am excited. I always promised myself I would take whatever I needed to take form this experience, to learn and grow. I will not go through this without taking from it all I can to become all that God has destined me to be.

I am already seeing how little I took care of myself. How I have always given so much to others but rarely replenished me. No wonder I have felt exhausted for so long. How exciting to find my inner child, to learn how to be carefree, to have fun, to fill myself up so that those in my world get the best of me!

Tonight we went our for dinner with our close friends to the Red Lantern in Surry Hills, such a yummy place to go. If you haven’t been please go, it is truly amazing Vietnamese cuisine. Even with my struggling taste buds it was amazing.

All in all a great day, a long one, but a great one. Now me and my inner child are going to bed.

Waiting and watching for the inevitable.

November 3, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 2 Comments

persist quote I can’t believe it I slept like a log. When I finally woke I felt like I had a hangover.- believe me it was a slow start to the day. I am a little sore, probably after the Pilates. But hey, it a positive sore. YAY! I cannot tell you how nice it is to have a good sore for once.

For months now each time something is sore there has been some type of catastrophe or trauma associated with it, today it’s because I exercised – woohoo! I have developed mouth ulcers, hang on let’s say GI tract ulcers. I am pretty sure they go most of the way down. Each time I eat I can feel them burning and sore. They are all trough my nose also, any mucous membrane. I have been a little slack with the mouth wash.

One of the many tips they give you is to wash many times each day with a bicarb mouth wash to avoid or help with mouth ulcers. I keep forgetting and am also so dang tired that I lay in bed and think, “should do mouth wash, nahh couldn’t be stuffed.” So this would be me paying the price for that now.

I am now day 9 since chemo began and they say anywhere from Day 13-21 your hair will begin to fall out. I am psyching myself up for it. It is a weird thing to be waiting for. I’ve read some weird experiences. Some people wake up and their hair is on the pillow. One poor lady woke to find her eyebrows staring back at her from the pillow. Now that would be difficult to describe.

As a normal woman we spend most of our adult life trying to rid ourselves of excess or any hair in the so-called unacceptable places. Now I am waiting and watching to lose it all. I mean literally all. You lose, head hair, eyebrows eyelashes, leg hair pubic hair EVERYTHING! Talk about head spin.

That step makes it really real; I can no longer hide. Yes I don’t look or feel well now but no one knows unless I tell them. When your bald everyone knows it’s the BIG C.

As I am day 9 now I have 12 days until the next round. So I will begin to feel “almost normal” with the exception of the tiredness and some of the longer lasting symptoms before I go back and say “Sing it again Sam.”

I am having ovulation pain today that means my ovaries have not stopped functioning with the first dose of chemo, they will with the next round for sure. I look forward to the day when my energy is back, look out world.

I learn the unpredictable nature of this journey

October 22, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 1 Comment

I slept better, thank goodness for Endone, it helps so much with the bone pain. So it still school holidays here and I have nowhere to be. I decide to take a bath, thinking that it will relax me.

In the bath I am thinking, this is one of my thinking spaces. I am compiling a “To Do” list as I do. After soaking for a good 20 mins in a lovely Epsom salts bath (a very nice way to detox people) I get out and dressed.

I am then devoured by the most indescribable tiredness, I cannot explain to you the depth that this tiredness seeped into my body. I literally went straight back to bed. I was so exhausted that thinking was hard. So I lay down and just be.

The pain in general and the general feeling of illness and toxicity is subsiding. My digestive tract is still inflamed and angry but better. The indigestion is still ridiculous, but at least I know I’m not dying of a heart attack. That alone eases the anxiety.

I played on my Pilates reformer today, only 10 minutes but it was movement and it felt good. I intend to do this more frequently so that my body remains mobile.

I slept on and off all day, and then we got Thai take away for dinner. Some of it had the smallest amount of chilli on it and I feel red raw from my mouth all the way down.

So a little more progress today, I do feel a little better and we will see what tomorrow brings. A very wise woman said to me not to fight the lethargy, to allow my body to rest and to heal. This is not in my nature, I am a fighter, I have always fought to do more than I should to be more, to accomplish more. This war on my body is too much. I need to listen to my body and be kind. Allow my body to rest and heal. Then and only then I believe I will win the battle .

The Valley continues

October 17, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 0 Comments

Valley 2 I did not sleep well at all, too much pain and heat for me to get much sleep. I was awake every hour or so, which adds to the exhaustion. Also, the nights are just so long and lonely.

Marc has always said for me to wake him, but one of us needs to be functioning, so I cant wake him all the time. Besides I am the daughter of a night shift worker – YOU DON’T WAKE UP A SLEEPING PERSON! I was trained well; sleep is far too precious.

I almost cry with gratitude when daylight comes. We spend a quiet day doing some light errands until early afternoon. I am so slow and sore. As we drive past people I see them smile and I think, “How can they?” “What is there to smile about?”

I am so caught up in my own little toxic dark world. Even blinking seems too hard. My head and body feel thick, fuzzy and hot. I have bone pain in my back, hips, legs and feet.

I had to give myself the injection again today. I didn’t count to three for quite as long as yesterday but I still took a while. It’s all the head games I play with myself.

So it’s back to bed for me. I hate the thought of it but if I had a tank it would be soooo empty right now.

I need to remember that this is temporary; this too shall pass. I am not stuck here, it is only for a short time and when I get through I will find myself, my energy and my smile again.

Day 3 post chemo – I have entered the valley of the shadow

October 15, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 2 Comments

So as I have said, I feel like I have entered the valley of the shadow of death. Don’t worry folks, I don’t plan on staying here. I have not slept at all well through the night. I am in so much pain I just cant get comfortable. My whole body hurts.

I’ve only felt something similar when I was involved in a head on collision many years ago and every part of my body felt bruised and battered. This is similar but with a toxicity like a 24 hour bug from hell.

The bone pain in my legs back and hips is unexplainable. My head is hot and fuzzy, my body is stiff and my entire digestive tract feels bloated and inflamed. Like my system is screaming at me “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!!”

I was in the kitchen trying to find something to eat as I feel weak but am scared to upset my system any more. Samuel my quirky gorgeous 12 year old son enters the kitchen and says “Ohh mum your hair has started to fall out!” In my own mind scream, “Not know I am so not ready.” The look on my face must have been priceless, as he soon tells me he is only joking. Oh kool, hah hah love, that’s so funny!!! NOT!

So now I feel paranoid as well as like I have been struck by the toxic avenger. It reaches 11am and I am required to give myself an injection. The injection is to protect my body from dropping too low in the blood count. The nurses showed me how to do it on the first chemo day. They give you the option to come in for 5 days and have it or you can do it yourself.

Guess what I chose? Yeah, don’t want to be a burden, I am far too practical as well, so how hard can it be? The actual injection itself is not hard, you stick yourself in the tummy and you push the syringe then you take it out, Simple!

I know what it feels like, sometimes when you get just the right angle you hardly feel it, its great. Other times you get the wrong angle, and it can really sting and burn. So here I sit counting “1, 2, 3”…nope. Again, “1, 2, 3”…nope. Again, “1, 2, 3”…nope. Now I am getting frustrated with myself, “Kylie JUST DO IT!!!!”

So I do. Funny, it’s nowhere near as bad as I think, a little sting but ok. Man it is such a battle of the mind! I feel slightly proud of my delayed bravery.

The day progresses and I just get worse; the toxic avenger has turned into a freight train that has run me over. Everything hurts; even blinking is hard. I fall into bed and stay there. All of the pain is horrendous, my head and body is hot and buzzing with toxicity. I pray for sleep, please come and swallow me into your peaceful embrace.

Yay! It’s Chemotherapy day!!! Part 4

October 8, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 0 Comments

Did you know that some people have actually died from Chemotherapy? It is powerfully toxic stuff. So much so that the medical professionals dolling out your treatment are covered from head to toe in gear that look like a scene from a sci-fi movie.

So with this toxic stuff in my system I am feeling pretty weird. As I approach the glass enclosure of the pet store, I see that ‘my’ puppy is not there my heart sinks. I feel my self say, “it’s not meant to be……..”

Then, I see a tiny paw sticking out from below the bed pillow in the enclosure. My hearts lifts as I gently tap the glass and out pops this little beauty! I am over the moon. We request to have a hold and begin to spray questions at the staff about how can we introduce this pup without upsetting our dear old man Benjamin.

Meanwhile this pup has crawled up my neck into the space between my jaw and collarbone and snuggled right in. Ok so who trained her?? As if I am putting her back in that enclosure, she is mine!!!!

The staff assure us that if we take our time and ensure that Benjamin is treated as the dominant dog, we speak to him, feed him, pat him first etc things should be ok. He needs to feel like this is a positive thing for him. So we buy all the gear we need, fill in the paperwork, it’s like adopting a child almost 😉 (I say this tongue in cheek, I have the utmost respect for anyone who adopts a child whether its here or overseas.)

So we take all of the gear and our new edition “Betty Boo” home. We have said nothing to the family about the pup. All they know is the picture you see above with the tag from Marc saying, “who will love me?”

As we drive in the gate, Samuel comes out gingerly, I think he thought I was going to come home glowing radioactive green or that I would be bald when I came home. He is pleasantly surprised when I look the same. I motion him to me in the car, particularly my lap. When he looks in and sees this tiny precious black pup curled up the love affair begins.

Welcome home Betty Boo, what a highlight to my first chemo day! I will always remember this for the gift of getting you instead of the day I began to poison any remaining cancer in my body.

So we settle Betty in, introduce her to Ben, we take it very slow, Ben is not impressed. I go to bed as my entire body is buzzing, my stomach feels like it is distended and on fire. My legs are aching and so is my head. I take some pain meds and decide to go and lie down. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Yay! It’s Chemotherapy day!!! Part 3

October 7, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 0 Comments

broken heart3 Did you know that the side effects from Chemotherapy can be worse than the actual disease it is treating? I know for me I am feeling at this present moment like I have been hit by a small truck, not yet a semi trailer but a small perhaps 3 tonne version.

We leave the Hospital and head for Westfield, which in hindsight, is not a great idea. I have an invoice to take to Medicare to try and get some cash back. We have spent well over $50k so far on treatment and surgery so we need to keep on top of what we can recoup. With no insurance kicking in yet it is financially trying.

Just stop and think what would happen to you if tomorrow you were told you could work again and for an undefined time? Would you be prepared? This will be covered in depth in a future post but please take the time to consider this for your self.

I asked this of a lady recently how would she cope if she became sick and was not insured. She looked me in the eye and said “Oh but I don’t plan to get sick.” My response straight back at her was, “Neither did I!” Sadly I still don’t think she got it.

I get to Medicare which most of you know, is a very pleasant experience. I get my ticket find a seat and wait, and wait and wait. Finally, a young woman who appears to be perhaps 24 years old calls me up. She holds her hand out and drones at me, “How can I help,” however the tone was anything but helpful. I try to muster a smile whilst my stomach is fighting the toxin recently overtaking my system, my head is buzzing, my body buzzing too and a weird hot pain is raging all over.

I say “I have this invoice to claim on please.” I hand her the invoice and she looks at it, scoffs and spits at me “This is not the right invoice I cannot help you” and then waves to the next person. I am outraged, but the inner assault on my body prevents me from doing anything but skulk away.

Now, anyone who knows me knows this is not how I normally handle a situation like this. I would usually quite assertively stand up and say “Sorry but that is not helpful, please explain what the issue is here.” I would then remain until it was resolved to my satisfaction as a tax paying Australian. I walk slowly to find Marc with hot tears of anger and frustration welling up inside me, how dare she be so rude!

I find Marc and try to explain, he hugs me and says calmly, “We will sort it out love.” He has all of my goodies from the chemist and then says, “So are we off to the Pet store?” I agree and say “If we get there and she is not in the window we will take that as a sign that she is not meant to be ours.”

We approach the pet store window where “our” little pup is meant to be, we look and all we can see is an empty glass enclosure. My heart tears open as it sinks in my chest…..

Yay! It’s Chemotherapy day!!! Part 2

October 2, 2014 / Kylie Warry / 0 Comments

Chemotherapy is so toxic. It attacks and kills not just cancer, but also all the living, healthy cells in the body and completely cripples the body’s immune system. – www.cureyourowncancer.org

So as the real chemotherapy enters my body I actually do get a headache and begin to feel nauseous. Now I am second-guessing myself, is it real or am I Imagining it? I ensure that we ask every question we have and take notes. Marc has to do this as I am still wearing the ice gloves.

I feel a little more relaxed, there is some tingling in the hands and feet, we advise the Nurse as this is a bad sign and they slow down the delivery of the drugs. I look around the room to notice that cancer is completely indiscriminate. There are young and old here, men and women. All at various stages, some with hair, some without. Some look otherwise normal, some look really sick.

Marc and I have strangely enough had fun today, we have laughed, talked, joked about. It’s been rather lovely really. Apart from the fact I have a raging headache, feel like I want to vomit and have a weird buzzing pain all over my body, I have had a lovely day.

We have spoken bout he possibility of the new edition to the family in the form of a pup. Marc states that he really didn’t intend to suggest we bought a puppy. I ask him honestly how he feels and he is quite excited. He just won’t show it.

I suggest we just go and look at her and ask some questions. For example how do we ensure that the pup and our older dog get along? We cannot upset our older dog, he has been with us for 14 years.

So we agree that we will pop in and have a look at the pet store. After all we need to head the get some drugs from the chemist, I need a combination of uppers and downers, inners and outers, drugs to make you go potty and drugs to stop you, what a mess.

My tummy is percolating as we leave at 5pm and head to the shops. My body is buzzing and everything feels really surreal. I am in for a ride I reckon. I determined to remain calm amidst the storm.

Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Tag: pain (page 2 of 3)

Which way did that Truck go?

Seeing the Oncologist today

Finding my inner child

Waiting and watching for the inevitable.

I learn the unpredictable nature of this journey

The Valley continues

Day 3 post chemo – I have entered the valley of the shadow

Yay! It’s Chemotherapy day!!! Part 4

Yay! It’s Chemotherapy day!!! Part 3

Yay! It’s Chemotherapy day!!! Part 2

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