Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Tag: nausea

I Descend Into Toxic Town Hopefully For The Last Time

fatigue
I’m awake at 7 am it’s Sunday morning.  I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.  No church for me today, I lay in bed until 12.  I was going to try and do lunch today with the conference, the VIP’s, but I’m just too tired.

Besides, I need to get ready for the school week ahead.  My local paper is coming for an interview tomorrow.  I’m so exhausted I need to manage my energy or I may get even sicker.  One thing I’ve learned over the past few months is that the more tired I am, the sicker I am.  And this can last for days.

I used to be so proud of how I could push through almost anything.  This illness, and more importantly the treatment, has taught me not to push any more.  I’m sure there will be a great life lesson in this somewhere.

I’m really keen to get through the really dark parts of the chemotherapy so I can truly begin to rebuild.  I’m excited because this time once I get past the really bad part of chemo, I won’t be having another treatment to pull me back down again.  That’s more exciting than I can put into words.

Today I have nausea, toxic hot diarrhoea, (what a pretty picture I am painting for you), headaches, bloating and such pain in my bones.  Oh, plus the heat, this unrelenting heat.

I’m not through the woods yet

valley of the shadowI woke early with really bad diarrhea, sorry to be blunt but it feels like pure acid it’s so painful. However, I did sleep through, which is a blessing.

I am so flat again today; flatter than a flat thing. I have acupuncture today, I am wondering how on earth I will get there when I am graced with a cancellation by my therapist. Small mercies……..

So back in my bed I am, it is humid, sticky and pouring with rain. I don’t know if you have, like me, prayed for those days when you can stay in bed in the rain instead of working.

Well here I lay, in bed, with it pouring with rain, not working, and it is not such a party guys L Funny how you wish for things, sometimes long for things but they are rarely in reality how they appear in our minds.

Apparently, there is a case review of my insurance claim in Melbourne today. I am tense about it; we really need the financial help. It is so expensive even with private health insurance; every single procedure has a big gap. The only exception is the hospital stays and chemo. The advantage of Private health is being able to access treatment faster with the Doctor of my choice.

The other addition is because I am doing medical and complimentary it is really expensive. For example, I pay $110 for acupuncture each time and get $19 back from my fund (and only for 6 sessions). I need this treatment to cope with the chemotherapy, it has made such a difference for me so far, so we are paying for it.

I feel deeply for those who aren’t able to have this choice. Although we are doing it we are going backwards financially. I still need to keep the business running even though I am not working, so there are ongoing monthly expenses with no income. It is such a hard choice, health or finances?

I am angry that I am forced into this space or deciding what is the priority. But I realise this happens to people every single day……

We fall into that typical gap, we have private insurance, we have a mortgage, our kids are in private school, we pay maximum tax. We fall into that category that does not receive help and also pays the most tax.

Yes it is our choice to send our kids to a good school and to have a mortgage. I don’t know how other families do it when they earn less, don’t have insurance and are at the mercy of government help.

This is all too much for my poor toxic brain to comprehend; I need sleep. Puppy school first. It’s hard but helpful. We have a puppy that is a handful, that was not in the brochure. Lucky for her she is too cute. Now I fall into bed, I am praying for sleep.

 

Facing exhaustion head on

arguing BCI slept better, excellent start! Although I feel so empty, the tank is not only empty but there is both dust and cobwebs in there. I have nothing in my calendar or diary today so bed seems like an awesome option.

I am really fighting with myself.  I am craving carbs, I have noticed I do this whenever I feel so low in energy, it is such a hard thing to fight. I have no fight in me for a start so pasta, bread, sugar all of those wicked quick surge, bad for me foods are all I want :(

I have decided to just go with the flow during chemo, it is hard enough getting through each day without placing some unrealistic expectation on myself to eat things my body is repelling. I am eating well when I can and supplementing each day so I will get through it.  Funny it took me 3 months to work out I should just go with the flow.

So as you can imagine, today is not a great food day. I am self-medicating so to speak but not in a good way. The pain I have in my knees and hips is simply ridiculous. I don’t know what to do with myself.  I am craving comfort food like a puppy craves a warm hug.

I’m battling those horrid thoughts of metastases in my bones with the aching. I know it’s a head game, but gosh it’s hard.  Watching my Mum go through bone cancer, knowing I have the same disease, having such aching in my bones and joints, it really does mess with me.

I got a lovely heart lifting surprise today with a soft knock at the door waking me from a deep toxic sleep.  When I open my front door, there is a beautiful bunch of flowers from my 4N family. These guys are the best. 4N is a small business networking group I have been a member of for 12 months.  If you have never heard of them before check them out here.

I remember when I was first diagnosed I was called and asked what could they do? They offered to make phone calls, any paperwork, client calls. I was blown away. Apart from a few very close friends, no one else offered this and it meant so much to me.

In my efforts to be somewhat productive, I made a list of jobs I needed to get done. Funny, when I say needed, it is to fill this weird sense of showing my value.  I have already confessed to how bad I feel and that I am going wight he flow yet I am cleaning things????  Don’t worry if you are confused too join the club with me.

So today I cleaned the plastics / storage container cupboard and also the pots and pans cupboard.  Such a small job really, but so exhausting for me. I do feel better consciously for doing so but physically I am back on the mattress, nothing to give.

So after a rest, making dinner for the family, I am back in bed, exhausted needing sleep. I pray that I can sleep tonight and I am thankful, so thankful that tomorrow is a new day.

 

Talks of Reconstruction begin

reconsrtuction imageI had a pretty awful sleep again, I was awake from 1am to 430am. How is a human meant to cope on so little sleep? Marc let me sleep in and then we saw the plastic surgeon together.

He said that we should be all good for reconstructive surgery in mid to late May. So 6 weeks after I finish chemo, I can have the other mastectomy and reconstruction can begin.  I am excited, but trepidations abound about further surgery. Just the idea of going backwards physically again makes me feel anxious. But I need to do it.

I cannot leave the other breast and wait for it to turn against me too. This happened with my Mum and my sister.  After cancer in one side it returned in the other a few years later.  I just cannot rest knowing this could be my future too.  I asked the surgeon for the simplest surgery possible, he recommended the implant surgery. One scar, 2.5 hour surgery. The expanders will be in for anywhere from 6-12 months. This is to expand the chest muscle and force me to grow more skin to accommodate an implant.

He says that with a recovery on track I may be able to return to work after August. That would be before the removal of the implants but he said the implant switch over with the expanders can be a day surgery if I like.

So much to consider, I am keen to try and get back to work asap, but also keeping in mind that a full recovery now is best. Being self employed has its bonuses but its complications also. I only get paid when I work and its hard to work reduced hours and make a good income. May need to rethink a few things about how I do business.

I am so tired today and also in a lot of pain. Nausea, heat, horrible indigestion are all I experience today. I get home and go back to bed. So much to consider, so many decisions, none of which need to me made today.

Time to rest my sweet, time to rest. Rest is thy best medicine.

Descending into the depths

sadnessI woke at 2am, then was wide awake until 430am. It’s the weekend so no school run, yay! Thanks you for small miracles and gifts each day. So I slept in, or rather stayed in bed. I feel quite nauseous, sore, slow, everything is buzzing, hot, swollen just yuck!

An old friend from my high school and Uni days called and we spoke for a while, that was really nice. I continued in bed, it just seemed too hard to do anything else. I am finding the nausea is much worse this round.

It’s my 42nd birthday tomorrow. I pray it’s a nice day and I can do something with the family. I have a long history of struggling with my birthday. First of all my Mum was so great at making us all feel like princesses for the day.  She went over the top and made it really difficult for anyone to compare to the big effort she made.

It wasn’t about spending money rather being thought of.  I have so many wonderful memories. Then I got married and my ex Husband was pretty hopeless. He was ok initially but as his world spiralled out of control I was last on the list and I am pretty sure he forgot the last 4 or 5 of my birthdays.  To add to this I left him on the last birthday we were together which happened to be my 30th.

So I have a history of sad days and unmet expectations. The last birthday with him I remember finding out he had spent more at the pub the day before. The forgot my birthday with an “oh f@#k its your birthday” at 12pm, then handing me a broken photo frame.  Special times…..

Looking back he was such a mess how could he do anything else. They were certainly hard times though. So my new outlook is to not have expectations and to spend time with the people I love.  My Husband Marc is wonderful and really makes and effort, there is just so much sensitive scar tissue there.

It almost like each year I compete with the ghost of birthdays past each year and enough is enough. Time for a new way, out with the old in with new healthier ways.  Easier said than done, but at least I am aware and working toward a better way.

So I stayed in bed, lamenting on how much I miss my Mum, particularly when I feel so sick and my birthday is looming. Wondering how she would be feeling knowing her baby girl is on the same journey with breast cancer as she was.

I’m glad she is not here really as she would have been racked with guilt, even though it is not her fault at all. I love you Mum xxxx.

Down for the count

dog tiredSo it’s Day 2 after chemotherapy.  I slept through the night, it’s a miracle! I don’t usually start of this way, but hey how kool. I am feeling quite swollen and fragile. Like I will break into a million pieces. My hands and feet are hot and swollen tight, my head is thick and full with pain and fuzziness.

I am nauseous and feel the beginnings of the hot acidic diarrhea. How lovely. I have discovered a neat trick though. Use baby wipes, especially the ones with cucumber and aloe vera. Very cooling on a hot and acidic burning butt. I know you may not wish to hear this but it is only shared in the event it may help someone.

It’s Valentines day today but I am not feeling very romantic. I sleep much of the day, try to have some lunch with my Valentine. I lived on anti nausea today.  I feel without it I will surely lose my cookies.

A light dinner and bed for me, such a beautiful way to spend Valentines. Lucky my lovely man and I don’t need to rely on Valentines day to have a rich and loving relationship. He has been so gentle and understanding as I face this daily battle. What is more romantic, seriously?  I know which one I’d pick.   The man who stands beside you with Roses, or the man who stands beside you in the trenches loving you despite the circumstances.  My man, in the trenches with me xxx

Tonight I pray for sleep and for relief from the heat that is madly coming out of my body. My acupuncturist explains that this is my liver madly trying to cope with the toxins. Again my besties come to the rescue, Endone and Valium, I love you xx