Friday 29^th November

So it is the day after my mastectomy.  I am sore, my chest is hard to see because of the dressing but the place where my right breast should be is a concave weird place. You think that without a breast you will look like a man, but you look hollow, almost dug out. It is weird to look at myself, hollow one sided chest and black eye, what a sight!!

Marc brings Samuel into see me today, he has to drag him in as he is frightened of what he may see. He is surprised to see that I still look like his Mum. Bad hair, drawn face but still his Mum. They need to get off to their days of school and work  so they leave me to rest.

I decide to write to the GP who would not support me in my search for answers. I decide that something needs to be said. I wonder how many others have been stifled or not pursued treatment after such a negative response. I could have so easily not pursued things with another Doctor. After all what if I was just being a whiner?   Despite feeling so bad sometimes you lie to yourself and tell yourself it’s not worth pushing, after all it is probably nothing, you just need to toughen up princess.

Have you ever discounted yourself like that? I know I have for a very long time. I think it’s part of the process that we go through at times when life gets busy and we start to lose ourselves. Particularly, those of us who have many roles. Here I am Kylie the Mum, Wife, Step mum, Business owner x 2, Sister, Friend, Colleague. I know most women who have had children can begin to lose their identity. I think its because we just get used to putting everyone else’s needs before our own. I mean in our house even the pets get fed before I do.

But this will need to change, I am realising that whilst there is a big part of this situation for me that is genetic, there is also a big part that relates to lifestyle I am sure. I have been putting myself last for a long time, not taking time for my self or care of myself. The funny thing is that no one asked me, or even expected me to, I just did it. Like being a good Mum and Wife means you come last.  Where does that message come from?

Again, my kids or Husband never said this to me, I just allowed it to happen. I passively stood by and decided that what I wanted or needed didn’t matter. How did I end up here?

It made me think back to earlier this year when I was asked by a Counsellor “what makes you happy?” When she asked me I sat there dumb founded thinking I have no idea, I burst into tears because it hit me just how sad that was. The worse thing is I am not the only loser here, so is anyone close to me. They don’t get the best of me either, just the chewed up spat out version.

So laying in a hospital bed, I have much time to think about my future and to think about how differently I am going to live my life. I only get one crack, I have much to offer and much more I wish to achieve in this short adventure on planet earth.

I decide I want to do life laughing, running, having a ball rather than depressed, run down and dragging my feet. So things will change, I will need to prioritise both my physical and emotional health. In doing this I will be able to be there for those special people in my world.

How this change is going to happen is another story and I am sure will be a long and evolving process.