I finally get to sleep by 1.30am with Valium, and am awake at 2.30am – WTF!!! I’m awake every hour and just don’t know what to do with myself. By 4am I’ve been watching the “Under the Red Dress Project” on my phone and am so inspired.
I thought about “behind the smile” as so many times people have said to me that I’m smiling, I must be doing things easily. How little they know.
My tummy feels really blocked and bloated. My thinking is slow and fuzzy. My tongue is small and dry. My hands and feet are swollen and hot. I find myself saying, “Your joy is my strength Lord, I will rejoice in this day.”
Seriously, without something bigger, a greater purpose and strength, it would be easier to just lay down and say,” No more” some days. To those struggling to get through the day, I send you strength and kindness. I am sorry you have to journey through this and I pray you are surrounded by love and support.
It’s another long day with a conference, and again I’m in bed by lunchtime exhausted. I really don’t know what i was thinking coming along. I have such FOMO, (Fear of missing out), yet here I am in my room just wanting to chuck my guts up 🙁 So have I missed out or not??
I wake after an average sleep, today I see my Oncologist. In general my doctor is really happy. She says my white cells are low, but manageable. She explains that my body has handled the chemotherapy relatively well. I put this down to being so meticulous with my diet.
I’ve tried so hard to nourish my body with good food and rest. I haven’t been perfect at this but I’ve given it a great shot. Because I’ve handled the chemotherapy so well my doctor thinks we can move my second surgery forward to the end of April, instead of June. This means I will have my second breast removed and begin the reconstructive process at this time. I’m also considering having my ovaries removed as the tumours were oestrogen driven.
This afternoon we get more questions from our Insurer about my claim for financial support. They are questioning whether or not I knew that cancer was present before I put in a claim. We know this is the insurance companies job to question every aspect, but the idea that they are questioning my integrity really, really hurts.
All I can do is give this to God and believe that He has it in his hands. Tonight we were with our amazing Connect Group from church. It was such an amazing and supportive night. The importance of being surrounded by such positive, uplifting and supportive friends is beyond words. God you are so gracious and loving it is beyond my words to explain how much you mean to me. Your Love alone can move mountains. I am so glad I can share this very big, very ugly, very immoveable mountain with You.
It’s Sunday, so today I went to church. There was great message from Robert Ferguson. I’m thankful for all I learn each time I’m in the house. I’m sore and really tired, but so glad to get home.
I spend some special time just lying with Marc, it’s so lovely just to lie next to him. Tonight we have our usual Sunday dinner, it’s family night. Do you have traditions like this?
We find it so important to put time aside just for the family. If we don’t do this, the week can slip by and we haven’t really connected. So, on Sunday night we get together, have a yummy meal and spend some quality time together.
It was only a few years ago that family night was every night. How fast things change. Within the blink of an eye you look around you and don’t recognise anything. As your kids grow they spend less time with you so you need to grab whatever time you can. One thing this cancer journey has helped me do is to get clarity on how important my relationships are.
When you’re faced with the potential of having less time on this planet, it’s very clear, very quickly what’s important. The to do list goes out the door, all those unimportant things you stressed yourself out with over the years are forgotten, and what really matters is the people in your world.
So I challenge you, if your wheels are spinning, your world is full, and you don’t know which way is up, stop and take a breath. Take stock of what’s really important because you never know what tomorrow will bring.