I finally get to sleep by 1.30am with Valium, and am awake at 2.30am – WTF!!! I’m awake every hour and just don’t know what to do with myself. By 4am I’ve been watching the “Under the Red Dress Project” on my phone and am so inspired.
I thought about “behind the smile” as so many times people have said to me that I’m smiling, I must be doing things easily. How little they know.
My tummy feels really blocked and bloated. My thinking is slow and fuzzy. My tongue is small and dry. My hands and feet are swollen and hot. I find myself saying, “Your joy is my strength Lord, I will rejoice in this day.”
Seriously, without something bigger, a greater purpose and strength, it would be easier to just lay down and say,” No more” some days. To those struggling to get through the day, I send you strength and kindness. I am sorry you have to journey through this and I pray you are surrounded by love and support.
It’s another long day with a conference, and again I’m in bed by lunchtime exhausted. I really don’t know what i was thinking coming along. I have such FOMO, (Fear of missing out), yet here I am in my room just wanting to chuck my guts up So have I missed out or not??
This morning I was optimistic, I babysat my baby niece Eliza. It was lovely to spend some time with her. Thank goodness she’s not running around just yet so I can keep up. After Eliza went home I had lunch with my sister. It was a lovely catch up but I need a Nanna nap.
I saw my gynaecologist today and was told that I can’t have my ovaries removed at the same time as my breast surgery. This really throws a spanner in the works as I really don’t want has too many general anaesthetics. I need some direction from my doctors. I refuse to panic. I’ve come too far to let panic take over now. So Lord I give this to you and I know that you have it in your hands.
I’m really tired now and seek out my mattress to rest. I wasn’t lying down too long before the kids came home from school. Then the afternoon ritual begins, it’s not a huge amount but when you are operating on empty, sometimes even breathing seems too hard. It’s about checking how the kid’s days were, considering what I will cook for dinner, working out what washing needs to be done and encouraging home work to be done.
By bedtime I am so achy and tired. I’m so desperate to sleep that my good friends – Endone and Valium will be necessary. So many decisions, so little energy to make them, some days everything seems too hard. I’m sure things will feel brighter in the morning.