Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Tag: God

Lack Of Sleep Takes It’s Toll

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I slept pretty badly again.  I was so aching and hot all night long.  I woke in a really really bad mood and unfortunately took it out on my poor man.  I’m sure this journey is so hard for the partners, the husbands, the men who stand by their wives.  I’m trying so hard not to take it out on him but I just have no ability to stop myself.

We’re late getting off to school this morning, Marc can get really frustrated when we run late.  The kids struggle when Dad is angry, as he is always so happy.  They retreat into themselves.  I see it and want to reach out, but have nothing in the tank.  So I watch, get sad and think that I will attend to that when I am able.

I worry for my quiet child.  So sensitive and such a big heart.  Lord please let him know security in you like no other.  Please be there for him if/when I’m not.

I slept most of the day.  I did a little tidying up but I’m really not up to much.  The story with the local paper was easier than I thought.  I pray they represent me accurately.  I’m only sharing my story to help others.  If one other woman reads this article and has a breast check, then it’s been worth it.

Flatter than a flat thing

Image result for flat affect 252 × 252 - healthtapI wake and I am feeling flatter then a flat thing if you get my drift?  But Lord you are my strength, thank goodness I could not do this without you.  My little list for the day;

  • blood test to make sure I’m ready for chemo tomorrow
  • see the doctor
  • have acupuncture
  • take the dog to the vet
  • driving lesson with Mon
  • preparation for tomorrow
  • breast cancer support group tonight

I’m exhausted just looking at this list.  How on earth did I end up with a day like today?  I think even the idea of staying in bed would have been too much me today.  Well no point whining, it won’t change anything – except make it even harder.

I get through the day, I really don’t know how.  Group was good, is great to be able to share with people that really know what you’re going through.  I made Scotty and Luke’s pumpkin superfood soup for dinner.  OMG!!  It is so good.  I did it with the intention of preparing the most nourishing food for my body in preparation for the onslaught tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my last chemotherapy, I’m so excited but dreading it at the same time.  By bed time I’m so achy I take 2 endone and 2 Valium – surely I will sleep, surely.

Leaning Into The Unknown

Menopause-FlashesI slept ok with the help of Mr Valium.  I woke at 1.30 am on fire!  These menopause symptoms really suck.  I had to stand up in front of the fan and spray myself with cold water.  Eventually I cooled down.  It’s hard to cool down when the heat is coming from the inside out.

So when the alarm went off today , to say I was not keen to get up is an understatement.  I had to literally drag myself from the mattress.

Today we saw the Financial Planner who explained that we should be getting an answer from the insurer this week regarding any financial support we are entitled to while I am having treatment, recovering and not working.

To date the entire cost has been borne by us, thank goodness we refinanced our mortgage and had some wiggle room.  Imagine for yourself, one day you find out you have a chronic and long term illness and you stop work pretty much immediately without an end point.  That’s what happened to us.

Let me tell you despite private health cover, this process is not cheap.  In fact it’s really expensive.  So this has been a real challenge in more ways than one.  Yes private health is such a blessing but the gap required on all treatments is significant.

The waiting game has been so frustrating, but I need to keep reminding myself, God has our back.  He has a plan and when we need to know, He will let us know.

I went back to bed mid morning exhausted, and stayed there until after 4pm.   I sleep so much but never really wake feeling rested. It’s quite annoying.  You think that basic math would work in terms of catch up sleep, but here it does not.

I took Betty (our pup)  for a walk, and tonight we had puppy school.  She is truly the naughtiest pup in school, we have the problem child for sure.  Tomorrow is a big day, I meet with the clean eating Bondi boys of MKR fame, and Moni sits her P plate drivers test.  It’s a big day ahead, have your way Lord!

Love Moves Mountains

MountShasta-HolyMountainI wake after an average sleep, today I see my Oncologist.  In general my doctor is really happy.  She says my white cells are low, but manageable.  She explains that my body has handled the chemotherapy relatively well.  I put this down to being so meticulous with my diet.

I’ve tried so hard to nourish my body with good food and rest.  I haven’t been perfect at this but I’ve given it a great shot.  Because I’ve handled the chemotherapy so well my doctor thinks we can move my second surgery forward to the end of April, instead of June.  This means I will have my second breast removed and begin the reconstructive process at this time.  I’m also considering having my ovaries removed as the tumours were oestrogen driven.

This afternoon we get more questions from our Insurer about my claim for financial support.  They are questioning whether or not I knew that cancer was present before I put in a claim.  We know this is the insurance companies job to question every aspect, but the idea that they are questioning my integrity really, really hurts.

All I can do is give this to God and believe that He has it in his hands.  Tonight we were with our amazing Connect Group from church.  It was such an amazing and supportive night.  The importance of being surrounded by such positive, uplifting and supportive friends is beyond words.  God you are so gracious and loving it is beyond my words to explain how much you mean to me.  Your Love alone can move mountains.  I am so glad I can share this very big, very ugly, very immoveable mountain with You.