Monday December 23^rd

It’s funny how a cancer diagnosis can change your perspective. We are madly getting ready for Christmas getting the last few pressies for people. As you all know the shops are nuts at this time, people push and shove and I am super tender. Still going bra-less mostly so it helps sometimes to make some people back away and give way to me.

Marc and I are trying to working out what we will cook, it is only going to be small but I still want it to be special. Although I really need to manage my expectations around Christmas and my birthday, my lovely mum spoiled my sisters and I so much. So much so that many have paled in comparison. Like I don’t want much but to feel special. That may be with a thoughtful card or a little something that you know I would love.

In our family growing up Christmas was always huge, with the entire family and friends. It was noisy, fun, we all pitched in, it was full on. There would be upwards from 20 people, some we hadn’t seen in ages. My family is all very close and we would all slip back in where we left off even if it had been ages. I have 3 sisters who have all had 3 kids of there own and one who has 2 step children. All of which are part of the family! I now have one child and 2 stepchildren now and the family feels the same toward them. We have a “WELCOME ALL” policy that I love. I know it is a bit weird for the newbies for a while but mostly they come around.

I also LOVE giving presents and try so hard to get people what they really want and for it to be a surprise – not too many expectations hey. However, since both my parents went to heaven, we rarely all get together at Christmas. With growing families and the pressure of life, we don’t do it any more. Some of us have stepfamilies and ex husbands that grows the family tree and adds to the complexity of meeting every ones needs at such times. For some reason, when Mum and Dad were alive we all trekked across the country to be together, now we don’t and this makes me sad. However, I am a part of this problem too, life becomes overwhelming.

So I have my new family, (since marrying the wonderful Marc) which is much smaller than what I am used to at Christmas. There is always Marc and I, Alison and now Eliza and a varying number of kids. My step kids usually spend Christmas with their mum or if not they fly out that afternoon or the next day. Gran dad (Marc’s Dad) comes for lunch but is so elderly and in bad health that this is really hard to manage. This year my son Sam is with his Dad for Christmas, so it is very small. Moni will be here before she goes to her Mum’s then there is Marc, Alison, Gran dad Eliza and I. It will feel so quiet compared to the Christmases of my past.

I am trying to manage my expectations of the day, I want it to be special but I am also not up for much either, such a strange place to be. It’s funny how when life gets potentially ripped from you, the importance of such days seems to grow. There is a big lesson in this for me. I want to live each day like we may not have it again, without regrets and without holding back. I want appreciate all I have been blessed with whole-heartedly every day.