I was awake until 1 am. I’m so frustrated and exhausted. I wake slowly again and realise that I have a big to-do list today. I have many phone calls, emails and doctors appointments to do today. We also have people coming to dinner, I don’t know what I was thinking.
I’m completely exhausted just thinking about what’s ahead of me today. My energy is so low, I have burrning diarrhea, not sure how I’m going to get through. A high point is that today is the last injection that I need to give myself. It’s those injections to boost my blood from the effects of chemo. What an accomplishment. I still remember the fear and trepidation as I hovered shakily over my own stomach the first time with that needle.
Some people have to give themselves injections every single day, again you are my hero. It amazes me how much you are able to overcome when you just put one foot in front of the other.
Amazingly I got through my to-do list today, but I did not rest. I pray that tonight I do not pay the price, but it was just one of those mad days. How am I ever going to find the balance, or is it accepting that sometimes you have those days?
So it’s Monday. Last night it was really hard to get to sleep, but eventually I did. So when I’m woken this morning by my alarm I don’t really want to listen. I feel so washed out, so tired, so sore, it is really hard to explain.
I wonder if I am ever going to bounce out of bed again? Is this a distant dream that I need to let go of? Am I just teasing myself with the idea of bouncing out of bed full of joy and energy? I really don’t know the answer to that.
I woke up with such a big list of things to do. I got home after the school drop-off and my metaphorical petrol tank was completely empty. I went back to my bed and literally didn’t leave.
I dragged myself out of bed at 5 o’clock in the afternoon and walked the dog. I felt better afterward. I’m still so sore and so tired. There’s this really strong desire in me to find the balance, but what does this mean? Is this another way to tease myself? Is there such a thing as balance?
I fear that my life will never be the same again. I have a sneaking suspicion that my life as I knew it is long gone and has been replaced by something that is not familiar and not wanted. In order to keep moving forward I need to find the good, the hopeful, the light. I don’t know how to do this, but what I do know is that I’m not going to stop looking.