Saturday 21st December 2013
Monica is home from South Australia today, she has been visiting her Mum. I am feeling generally anxious, I am adjusting to the new me, coming to terms with my diagnosis, I’ve had my haircut. My sister in law is also visiting with her baby, who is sooo cute!
I walk into the lounge room to say “hi.” Marc is there with Moni and Al & the bub (who is breastfeeding). The first thing Marc says to me out of nowhere is “stop Kylie your scaring the baby! The baby says where is the other one? There’s only one!” Moni is sitting there confused saying “what do you mean there is only one???” I knew straight away what he meant and I knew on some level it was a joke, but I did not know what to say or do and I just dissolve into tears.
DISCLAIMER: please understand that my husband is one of the most giving, loving kind hearted humans on planet earth. He is a fun loving wonderful person and to cope with tough things sometimes he jokes. Marc would never intentionally do things to hurt me. To make things even more confusing for him, sometimes I even start the joke or laugh at his jokes but today unbeknownst to him I was fragile.
I go to the bedroom and cry from my soul, I haven’t done this yet and I guess I really needed too. I am sad at the silly unintentional joke made, but I think this emotion also just needs to come out. I lock the door and I literally cry my heart out for a good few hours. Marc comes and knocks, so does Alison but I just say “please leave me alone.” Marc doesn’t understand, he has no idea what his unintentional expression has unleashed in me. It’s ok, I will explain when I can, but for now I batten the hatches because this pent up emotion is coming out.
We have friends coming over later and have dinner with us – I don’t come out for ages as I have swollen eyes, a broken heart and just don’t want to face anyone. Thankfully these guys are the type of friends that just accept and love you wherever you are.
I begin to ponder about the idea of what will Marc find attractive about me when I have no boobs, no hair, no female hormones, what is left to make me a woman? What if he looks at me and is repulsed? Every physical part of me that makes me a woman is going to be cut out or poisoned so it no longer functions. Lovely thought huh?
September 12, 2014 at 1:53 pm
Those emotions were lurking under the surface, just waiting for the chance to be expressed. Marc’s well-intentioned, badly-timed joke was the catalyst you needed to express the hurt, fear and anger. I think crying like that is good for you.
I can just imagine Marc’s bewilderment and how sore your eyes would have been afterwards. Cold flannels ahoy!