Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

I came out today!

Kylies Peronal JourneyBefore you freak out, read on ladies and gentlemen.

I woke feeling better today, so good that I did 40 minutes of Pilates. Marc and I went out and did some errands. By lunch I had began to feel the familiar creeping of achiness, pains and general crapiness return. My hips just ache. In my head I wonder about my Mum’s bone cancer that was all through her hips. Yuck…  She had so many aches and pains too….. Don’t go down that road!  not helpful at all.

I had to start the dexamphetamine again today in preparation for chemo in 2 days. They say it can give you a buzz – I pray for that! I am so tired and sore that a chemically induced buzz sounds awesome to me.

So, as I said in the beginning – I came out today. I decided to venture out into the big bad world Bald. It was mostly empowering, I did get a few strange looks. You see, because I look quite well, people say my skin is glowing. You can’t tell my right boob is missing (especially with a carefully placed scarf or if i wear the prosthesis) so I am sure people wonder if it is a lifestyle choice to be bald.

It is quite confronting when you feel that judgment happening though. Anyone who has ever felt judged in any way will know what I mean. I felt the same way when I first separated and divorced. Particularly, amongst some extreme religious people who I felt looked down at me like a quitter or a failure.

However, I know that only God judges me. I also know He has forgiven me, I know He loves me, He is with me and that He will never leave me, so that gives me so much comfort and strength.

I am learning that I am more than my looks.  Now this is a biggie for any female.  The world teaches us that we are our looks.   It’s funny I would be able to say to anyone else, “lovely you are not your looks, you are so much more,” buy my own self-talk is not the same. The battlefield of the mind hey? I heard a very wise man say recently “the hardest person we will ever deal with is ourselves.” How profound.

Funny story – I was out and about with my prosthesis in as you do. I did not feel brave enough to be ‘bald’ and ‘boobless’ in public just yet. I was looking in the mirror in the ladies when I noticed that my prosthesis had migrated north. It’s like it wants to be promoted to a shoulder pad! You have to laugh….                              well I do anyways…..

Marc and I took the kids to Youth at church tonight and after a good rest we went out for dinner. On the way home we stopped in at the best gelato in Sydney “Messina.”

It tasted wonderful at the time but I am as sick as a dog afterwards L One more day of normality until the next treatment….

5 Comments

  1. Ah Dear Kylie
    You have such a way of adding the light layer over the meal as such, like sauce on your pie or topping on the ice-cream, I am off-course reffering to your venture out with new hair doo (or lack of). You have the ability of making one feel like there taking that big step in the unknown abyss and the peering eye’s piercing your very being, to then be distracted by a fake boob poking into your chin :0, buy the way this did happen to me with a bra wire. Thanks once again a glymps at your experiences.

  2. You look amazing and I love how you can make a joke out of a bad situation. I often feel some of the most religious people can be the most judgmental. I hope you get that buzz you so dearly deserve & best wishes to you…x

  3. Glad you came out. I have come out as myself recently and it feels great. No more hiding in silence. I too have felt the pressure of my looks but my PTSD has taught me that I am much more than my looks. It has given me the freedom to be my natural self. IT feels great. Love the humor you use throughout your writing. I will try to incorporate humor into my life more. I just work so hard at managing my day so I am very intense. You were a welcome reminder of the importance of humor. Thanks

    • Thanks so much for sharing! Yes humour has helped me a lot. I don’t think I was always this way, but i certainly become more of a kidder. I think being married to a man who loves to laugh has certainly helped me to lighten up :)

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