I haven’t slept well at all, I am wide awake for much of the night. Staring into space. I am so caught up in my thought world I don’t even realise I am awake. I keep catching myself just laying there staring into space captivated by my own dread and anticipation of what is to come.
I lay there and pray for peace and a calm mind. I am praying for a sense of purpose in all of this madness and waiting on God to let me in on His plans. As the sun rises I get up and do something probably a bit stupid but hey that’s my prerogative isn’t it.
Of all things to do, I weigh myself. Of course this will make me feel better I have gained a few kilos and feel like I am really holding onto fluid. It doesn’t stress me as much as it may have 10 years ago. I know my body is copping a complete scherlacking (I am not sure if I just made this word up or not?) so I need to focus on nourishing myself and easting what I can tolerate.
My poor body has been through the ringer with constant chronic and unrelenting stress, the expectation of just functioning because I need it too, let alone the surgery, trauma and now chemical onslaught.
Marc and I arrive at the day centre, I take my own blanket and some snacks I know I can tolerate. I take some music and some things to do should I feel the need. I’m such a girl scout – be prepared, have options.
Today goes more smoothly than the first, we know what to expect, I have slightly less headaches, my tummy is already playing up but I feel prepared.
By the time 8pm rolls around; the Bus is parked just up the road ready to run me over as I sleep. However, compared to the dread I felt this morning, today has been a good day. Marc and I sat and laughed, as you can see in the pic here, we do have a lot of fun when we are together. He just makes this process so much easier.
I honestly thank God every day for giving me a man who loves me for who I am, whether I look like the woman he married or not. As my body is attacked by this treatment, it will never be the same again. We will never be the same again. But – he still sees and loves me. This is a gift that is beyond measure.