Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Author: Website owner (page 2 of 12)

Freedom!!!

freeLast night was awake from 130 to 330, and then from four until 530. I don’t think I can keep going like this. I’m sure that most of this is from the drain and how it prevents me from moving to get comfortable in bed.

I got up to check my drain and it’s blocked so I unblocked but the wound site looks really read an angry almost like I have an infection. I called my plastic surgeon and he said to go to an emergency at St George Hospital to see his registrar.

Two hours later and I am drain less…. WOOOHOOO!!!

I’ve even had a shower, and later I’m planning to have a bath complete with lavender and Epsom salts.  I had a visit with some friends tonight and we spent the night laughing which was just so you wonderful.

I’ve had some weird chest pain tonight which feels like my nipples are in advice and are being pulled away from my body. Weird when you don’t have nipples any more.

Marc and I watched a silly movie and laughed it was so lovely!  I still can’t believe I’m drained free…..

I feel like I have lost myself

lostI’m awake from 2 AM to 5 AM. Today is a slow day at home, again I’m feeling like I really want to run away from people to hide away from the world. I don’t like how I feel and how it’s making me behave.

I had a good chat with an old friend which was nice, some relief from my own head for just a while.

Sam had a friend over today which was really nice to him he’s doing it tough as well. I know I’m not there to him as much as I need to be but I’m struggling to even hold myself up at the moment.

Our daughter has one of those robotic babies that the weekend that cries and wets itself and needs to be settled this will be interesting.

My friend called and said she had sorted her kids to stay with someone else so I didn’t feel obliged. This hurt because I felt like I’d let her down but I’m so relieved.

This drain is getting even more painful, I have a really sharp burning pain. I’m so sick of myself at the moment. I’m tired whingy, whiny and absolutely no fun!

I feel like I’ve lost myself. I wonder how my poor family feel?

Sucked out Mango anyone?

sucked_mango_pip_fbI’m in bed by 8 PM, I was so angry at myself for not standing up for my needs. I’m lying in bed still awake until 1 AM then I slept with nightmares until 4 AM. Finally this awful night was over and I can try and start afresh.

Today’s is one of those days where I just want to hide away from the world. I’m sore, my left wound still looks like a sucked out mango. The expanders have given me some shape but it’s really uneven. And on top of that my drain is really sore today too.

The site of the drain in my side has been burning for most of the day will stop it so hard to explain just how intense this pain is. I believe I have a strong pain threshold but I’m not feeling so strong at the moment.

By the night time my chest is on fire surely this is not from the few light exercises that I did earlier today, surely.

Oh man I am mad!

angryLast night I went to bed at 10, awoke and 11pm then 12:15am and did not sleep again until 4 am – WTF!!!!

Today I must flat as a flat thing, again that’s not just my chest (another bad joke warning).

I went to acupuncture today and she told me I has many locks after the treatment I felt so much better, if you haven’t tried acupuncture I encourage you give it a go. I then had to have my left chest wound aspirated and ultrasound it because I’m so swollen.

I had started noticing that when I walked the left side of my chest sounded like a sloshing water bottle. Now that is nice. To remove the fluid had to lay on my side with the drain is with my arm as high above my head as possible. My chest was spasming the pain was crazy but I’m glad it’s over.

I realised today that a friend of mine who I thought was visiting me this weekend is actually leaving their kids with me. I’m so dumbfounded and shocked I don’t really know what to do. Is this another sign of me really not sharing with people how I’m really feeling and doing?

I decided to stand up for myself and say that I can’t do it. Anyone who knows me knows just how hard this is for me. Not saying “no” but admitting I cannot do something.  When I say this to them they says it’s because of the anniversary of her parents death and there’s no one else.  F@#K!!!!

Why do I find myself in this position, feeling like I have to fix things for other people??? Other people say “too bad” or nothing or “no thanks, I still can’t”  BUT me I feel half frigging dead, sore as hell, flat and exhausted and I still feel the need to help others. I’m so mad at myself, and I’m mad at my friend.

Cactus anyone?

cactusI’m so desperate to sleep that I used still knocks last night. I’m quite scared of the side-effects but even more desperate to sleep. Even with this I was awake from 3 AM and fell asleep just before the alarm went off at six.

Then I had to get out and help get Sam going for the day get the kids to school and all the other things that us mums do every day.  I’m still very sore from the expansion yesterday so after a few errands I’m back in bed and dosed up on strong painkillers.

I woke later and walk the dog and then did my BAS statement, things don’t stop just because I’m sick. Nothing like being brainless, boob-less and reconciling your accounts (another bad joke warning).

I’m reading a book about another woman’s experience with recovery after breast cancer. She too was in pain the entire time she had the expanders.  I really don’t understand why this wasn’t explained to me. I think I still would have done the procedure but I would have been able to cope better had I expected this much pain.

Just so you can understand, the nerve pain in my chest feels like there’s a cactus inside and every time I move it spikes me, now there’s an image.

I’m really keen to see how I feel after the drain is removed. I’m sure the burning in my side will stop and I will have the pleasure of a warm shower or bath when I just want to wash the world away.

And this was the easy option…

givingupI’m getting better! I was awake from midnight last night.  I must have dozed eventually and woke at 3 AM and was wide awake until the alarm went off at six. This is ridiculous. I saw the plastic surgeon this morning and he inflated my chest expanded again.

The drain is still going strong and he said he will remove it at the next appointment, because we go to Hawaii in 3 1/2 weeks.  Now this is a bright light on the horizon.

So how do I feel? Apart from sore, whingy and useless I’m okay. It’s frustrating that I can’t raise this with any of my specialists but that is not what they are here for. They are here to treat the cancer not my well-being. This is someone else’s job and I’m in the centre.

My shoulder blades burn from the nerve damage and the same feeling is under my arms. My left side is swollen and bruised. My right side is not as bad but it really burns at the drain site. I have no energy, my libido is non-existent, my body is sore and stiff, I can’t move properly because of the drain which means I’m getting more sore every day.

And this is with the easier option of breast reconstruction. Happy days!

All I want is a shower…

showerSo I clock watched again last again from 2 AM; this is becoming a really bad joke. I’m getting quite tired of being up and awake and alone with my thoughts all through the night.

My chest is still so sore and the drain is going really strong which means I’m stuck with it. The burning nerve pain from this tube in my chest is hard to describe. It also means I have to drag his bag around with me wherever I go.

We went to church today and then Marc and I had breakfast.  We are trying to do as many of the normal things as possible so this something normal and predictable and enjoyable at the moment.

We came home and I went to bed completely exhausted. I got up to make Sunday dinner to the family this is a ritual I want to keep.  Of course I’m still really bad at asking for help.

I’m still in a really low mood, I’m tired of being this sore, I’m totally over the drain and I really want a shower.

Tension builds

I clock watched from 2 AM today so I am quite tired when the alarm goes off to start the day. I’m really sore today, I’m sorry if I sound like a broken record but I’m trying to be real fit anyone else who is going through this.

tensionIt’s so easy when it isn’t you to be asking “is over yet?”  “don’t you feel better yet?” “you’re still tired?”  I feel like part of my purpose is sharing this reality to help anyone else who is struggling.

Marc is home today, what a lovely surprise.   He went for a surf and I stayed in the car.  I don’t even have the energy to walk on the beach.  It took all my strength to agree to come with him today.

I’m so fearful that he will be sick of me soon, but I also know that this is fear, it is a lie and not truth.   I still have this pervasive flatness in my mood –  not just my chest ( bad joke warning)…

I’m teary,  I feel useless, I struggle to find enjoyment in  things,  I don’t know how to relax,  and what I would do to have a freaking shower or bath.  DISCLAIMER –  I still have the drain in so I cannot shower or bath.   I feel like such a whiner.

Enough of me,  I tried today to get Sam to do the lawn, I’m trying to get him to help (so it is not all on Marc)  but Sam gets something in his eye, it really hurt him  and he refuses to finish.   This leaves the job to Marc, which makes him so mad.  He is simmering away and I feel even more useless.

I understand it from both sides and I feel completely stuck.  It’s his day off and he has to get the job done, and Sam hurt himself and is worried it’ll happen again.

I’m really noticing the tension in our home and I’m not sure what to do about it.  I’m sure it all comes down to the extra pressure on everyone else with me not being able do what I normally do.

I’m over this journey…

walkingawayA big improvement I didn’t wake up until 4 AM, what a gift. Then I was awake at 5:40 this feels like a miracle. It wasn’t long ago that this would have been an awful nights sleep, funny how things change.

The drain is still going strong, I have lots of nerve pain, it would be easy to get frightened that I refuse and choose to see this as a sign of healing. I’m feeling quite low today, lower than a snakes belly. I don’t know why, apart from feeling useless and tired of this slow process. I’m tired of being in pain and I feel like I have little control over things.

When I look at these words I can see why I feel down. Can I encourage you if you are struggling to then consider putting pen to paper? The power of our words is hard to argue with. Before I write this post I felt like I had no reason to feel down, I was confused and frustrated with my feelings. There when I look at my truth and see what I’m dealing with, it makes perfect sense that I feel down.

I found myself eating to comfort myself today. I know I need a new plan, but today it’s food.

I just want to feel well again

I’m awake from 2 AM again!  This horrible sleep pattern and lack of sleep is really getting me down. How am I meant to heal when I’m so exhausted?Sick as a dog concept - Dog in bed with scarf and water bottle on its head.

When morning comes I realise I’m really sore, my chest is so swollen at the surgery site and under my arms around my torso. When I left the house today I didn’t wear a bra I’m just too sore, then again what am I trying to support? It’s funny how we need to break old habits.

I’m having a lot of nerve pain today, which I’m taking as a sign of healing. I saw the nutritionist and she said that I will need to increase my rest so I can heal. I’d love to do that but I think sleep is a big part.

I’m going to have two green vegetable drinks a day, increase my melatonin to help with sleep and add ginseng to help with energy.

I’ve contacted my physio to ask what I can be doing to help my recovery; I just want to feel well again.

I sat up and had a lovely talk with one of the kids tonight; gosh it was so nice to connect with them. I fell into bed at 1030 so desperate for a good sleep. I can’t keep my eyes open…

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