Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Month: December 2016

The world moves on

worldmovesI did not sleep well again, I think it is my new normal, sorry for the whinging…

I was awake from 2am to 5am this time.  Thanks goodness for recorded TV.  The Block is saving my sanity…

I am so exhausted today, I saw my GP and she prescribed me some more pain meds.  I am so glad they are listening and supporting me as my breast surgeon said he would not give me anything as it should not be this bad.  Like I am milking them for drugs or something…

My GP gave me stillnox for sleep, I am a little nervous as there is some really worrying info about this drug, I will be very careful and if anything weird happens I will not take it.  I had acupuncture too and it helped with all of the swelling, she said my liver is struggling and so is my immune system so she gave me some support for that.

She encouraged me to remember to look after me, to slow down and take time to do things that nourish me.  Man, I don’t even know what that would be…Here we go on another walk down self discovery lane…

I also had a talk with my man, I am really concerned about him.  Work that was quite supportive has forgotten and are expecting far too much from him.  He gets it done but at such a personal cost.  I realize that others move on but we are still in the midst of this battle, it is still very real for us.

I am concerned he is avoiding his emotions by working a lot and I just want him to know that he can talk to me, and if he cannot then he needs to find someone it is too much to go through alone.  What a ride…

My First Expansion

I did not sleep well, I woke at 4am and could not get back to sleep.  I don’t seem to be worried, the pain is manageable but I am completely wide awake.

I’m due to see the plastic surgeon again today, good timing as the bloody drain is blocked again.  I end up being naughty ad driving myself down I cannot keep asking Marc to leave work and drive me places.  I go in the morning as the surgeon has a space and this drain is really a mess.

I had my first expansion today after the surgery.  So I have these little bags in my chest muscles like little bean bags with a 800ml capacity.  They are to be slowly expanded over the next 12 months to form a pocket in the pectoral muscle for the implants to sit in.

The surgeon finds the metal valve with a magnet then plunges a big arse, long needle through my chest into this valve so inject fluid into the expanders, he says if he expands me now, it may help with the drain.  Something about revers pressure…… Ohh back to the days of physics…..

I cant really feel the needles but I can feel the expanders, wowsers…….My already sore and cut chest muscles being stretched and exploded from within……  I will share pictures later for the brave.

By this evening I am in so much pain I cannot believe it.  If you have had braces and remember the pain after they have been tightened, this is what it feels like in my chest but worse.

I had lunch with my sister and explained the process, what an experience and this is going to be my life every few weeks or as I can handle it until the expanders have done their job.  I pray I sleep tonight, by the way the bloody drain is still going strong…

My side is sloshing…

stomach-bloatingI woke at 2am and was up until 4am, you have to be kidding me.  The feeling when you are completely exhausted but cannot sleep… Pure cruelty.

So today is a quiet day…  My chest is quite sore, but I still walked the dog, I am really trying to get these new habits in place.  While I am walking I can feel fluid sloshing about in my left side, like I have a water bottle strapped to my side, most bizarre feeling.

I had lunch with a fellow “wellness warrior” today, it was really lovely.  Seriously you need to surround yourself with people who understand the journey, because it is so bizarre.

I’m back to see the plastic surgeon again tomorrow hopefully he can sort out the sloshing in my side.  Marc has had a yucky day at work so I will do my bets t give him space as he needs.  I missed my daytime pain meds today but man I need them tonight…

Life is hard for us all…

lifeishardI slept okay woke a few times, I suppose it is to be expected when you’re perched up in bed trying not to move because of drains in your side. I feel like I’m having some low-key hot flushes this morning oh joy.

Marc is working today (Sunday).  I need to do something quiet so I decided to do some writing. Sam need some help with his homework I tidy the house and then cooked dinner. So much for a quiet day, but life does keep chugging along.

I’m developing a chesty cough you can imagine the pain it takes each time I need to cough.  Great timing. I feel a little stronger today, I took less pain medication I’m trying to wean myself off them.

Marc came home from work really stressed poor love, he is so tired and has so much on his shoulders I can’t even imagine.   Want so much to help him but I’m barely hanging on myself…

I fall into bed really exhausted yet I cant sleep…

Opposite Pages

oppositeI slept better last night. Sam’s sleepover appears to have gone well. Marc and I got up and went to breakfast it was really nice to get out and spend some time together.  We agreed that we need to do this more often.

We come home and Marc makes a huge list of things he wants to do.  I get this about him this is how I’m wired as well except I’m unable to do things at the moment. This whole list building and need to accomplish gives us a false sense of control. I’m sure he needs to feel some control at the moment.

The usual thing happens his stress levels go up with the mounting pressure to accomplish and I’m trying not to be affected by this. I’m trying the opposite – to let go…..

Interesting how we are on such different pathways. He continues with his list and I help where I can which is not much. We make a yummy dinner and watch a movie with Sam. My pain levels have been very strong tonight I feel like I have this tight metal band around my chest. It’s hard to take a deep breath and I’m getting nerve pain. I’m telling myself that the nerve pain means healing.

If I knew this procedure was going to be so painful I wonder if I would have done something different. I guess we’ll never know.

Drain Pain

painI didn’t sleep very well at all what a horrible night with that drain pain. I really cannot tell you just how bad it is. So I am up and walking today but I am totally stuffed.

I go to get dressed and the drain is leaking again, I head back to the plastic surgeon to get unblocked. Man this is frustrating. I spend the rest of the day in bed my chest is so sore it’s just not funny.

I managed to walk baby because I believe it’s good for us both. Sam has a few of his mates over to hang out and play Xbox.  He so needs some normality at the moment.  I remember how I felt as a kid seeing my mum in pain it’s such a helpless feeling. I really don’t want to pass this onto Sam but I don’t know what else to do.

I am asking my Lord for the grace to lean into this give it to him and take one step at a time.

My Baby is Now a Teenager

teenI slept a little better with some more pain medication.  However I’m now required to reduce the amount I’m taking which scares me a little. Particularly because the pain has not reduced. I walked the dog again today and noticed that the drain site is weeping. The drain is blocked and now the fluid is oozing from my side, lovely.

I called my plastic surgeon and he can see me in the afternoon.  My sister came over today we had such a nice day and it’s also my baby’s 13th birthday I can’t believe I have a teenager!!  I wish I could have been able to be more upbeat and involved today.

I made Sam and birthday dinner and cake, by an 8pm I’m knackered by 1030 I’m completely stuffed.  The drain is working again but the wound is so sore it just burns.

In bed this evening the pain got so bad I just could not cope; we called the hospital at 11 pm and they said it’s just touching a nerve and tried to tell me to sleep through it, yeah right.  I have not experienced pain like it before…..

Family Tension

familypicI keep waking up every four hours for more pain management.   My chest is just burning thank goodness I had acupuncture today. I also see the plastic surgeon today. Goodness me your time gets taken up with medical appointments, chronic illness can be a full-time occupation unfortunately.

I need more medication for everything I really hope my doctor is open to prescribing it. There’s lots of stress at home, everyone is on edge and so the tension is huge. My son is being obstructive, Marc is trying his best but is so frustrated.  I notice that their relationship is really really tense and this makes me so upset.  I know they need to find their own way forward but it’s so hard to watch.

My goodness the teenage years can be so hard, add a blended family to that, a chronic illness or two and you have a recipe for tension. Thank goodness acupuncture was amazing it is so helpful at relaxing me. The surgeon is really happy with my wounds and is surprised the drains are still going so strong.  Thank goodness he gave me more pain medication.

I took busy for a 30 minute walk today. I’m sure I’m walking at the speed of 90 year old but was nice to get out in the sunshine.  Just to add to the picture you have of my experience, I’m not allowed to get my wounds or the drain site wet so showering is not an option. Thank goodness you can’t read smell :)