Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Month: October 2015

I Descend Into Toxic Town Hopefully For The Last Time

fatigue
I’m awake at 7 am it’s Sunday morning.  I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.  No church for me today, I lay in bed until 12.  I was going to try and do lunch today with the conference, the VIP’s, but I’m just too tired.

Besides, I need to get ready for the school week ahead.  My local paper is coming for an interview tomorrow.  I’m so exhausted I need to manage my energy or I may get even sicker.  One thing I’ve learned over the past few months is that the more tired I am, the sicker I am.  And this can last for days.

I used to be so proud of how I could push through almost anything.  This illness, and more importantly the treatment, has taught me not to push any more.  I’m sure there will be a great life lesson in this somewhere.

I’m really keen to get through the really dark parts of the chemotherapy so I can truly begin to rebuild.  I’m excited because this time once I get past the really bad part of chemo, I won’t be having another treatment to pull me back down again.  That’s more exciting than I can put into words.

Today I have nausea, toxic hot diarrhoea, (what a pretty picture I am painting for you), headaches, bloating and such pain in my bones.  Oh, plus the heat, this unrelenting heat.

FOMO

tumblr_mn3qv6dDeX1riv7y0o1_500I finally get to sleep by 1.30am with Valium, and am awake at 2.30am – WTF!!!  I’m awake every hour and just don’t know what to do with myself.  By 4am I’ve been watching the “Under the Red Dress Project” on my phone and am so inspired.

I thought about “behind the smile” as so many times people have said to me that I’m smiling, I must be doing things easily.  How little they know.

My tummy feels really blocked and bloated.  My thinking is slow and fuzzy.  My tongue is small and dry.  My hands and feet are swollen and hot.  I find myself saying, “Your joy is my strength Lord, I will rejoice in this day.”

Seriously, without something bigger, a greater purpose and strength, it would be easier to just lay down and say,” No more” some days.  To those struggling to get through the day, I send you strength and kindness.  I am sorry you have to journey through this and I pray you are surrounded by love and support.

It’s another long day with a conference, and again I’m in bed by lunchtime exhausted.  I really don’t know what i was thinking coming along.  I have such FOMO, (Fear of missing out), yet here I am in my room just wanting to chuck my guts up :(   So have I missed out or not??