So it’s my last chemotherapy treatment and I am on day 2. I have a professional development conference to attend. I’m not sure if I will cope but won’t know until i do it.
I slept like a zombie from 10.32pm – 11.18pm. WTF!!! Then I tossed all night long with hip and knee pain, I’m so hot and my tummy is so sore. I finally got up at 4.30 am. I just can’t lay in bed anymore.
We are in a hotel so I am aware of not disturbing Marc. Its really hard, there is nowhere to hide.
I feel fragile but okay. My head feels fuzzy, my hands and feet are really hot, my tummy is bloated and sore, but I am not too bad. I dose up on pain killers and anti nausea meds and I get ready to go to the conference. I make it to the lunch time break before I hit the wall.
It’s been weird – I’m with my business friends and none of them have seen me since before I was sick. They are all so supportive, but I feel like an alien. Like I am in this weird parallel universe. They all tell me I look great, but really, I am sure they are being kind.
We are staying on the site that the conference is in so I went up to our bedroom and lay down, sleeping until 6pm. We then went out to dinner. I took it very slowly. I felt quite weak and shaky and was waiting for the awful diarrhoea to hit. I’m almost scared to leave the safety of a bathroom within 6 feet.
I took it slow and it was pretty fun I guess. I’m in bed by 11 PM dosed with endone and valium let’s see how we go. Still not sure if i am overly optimistic or just stupid for expecting myself to do this……
I wake and I am feeling flatter then a flat thing if you get my drift? But Lord you are my strength, thank goodness I could not do this without you. My little list for the day;
- blood test to make sure I’m ready for chemo tomorrow
- see the doctor
- have acupuncture
- take the dog to the vet
- driving lesson with Mon
- preparation for tomorrow
- breast cancer support group tonight
I’m exhausted just looking at this list. How on earth did I end up with a day like today? I think even the idea of staying in bed would have been too much me today. Well no point whining, it won’t change anything – except make it even harder.
I get through the day, I really don’t know how. Group was good, is great to be able to share with people that really know what you’re going through. I made Scotty and Luke’s pumpkin superfood soup for dinner. OMG!! It is so good. I did it with the intention of preparing the most nourishing food for my body in preparation for the onslaught tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my last chemotherapy, I’m so excited but dreading it at the same time. By bed time I’m so achy I take 2 endone and 2 Valium – surely I will sleep, surely.
I had a slightly better sleep but it’s still broken. Because my sleep is broken, I feel broken. But that can’t stop my excitement for today, today is my last chemo. I’m dreading it but I am also so excited.
It’s a really busy morning getting ready for the last chemotherapy plus the training conference that I’m attending today. I’m trying to get the family ready for Marc and I being away. I’m also on the phone trying to coordinate my upcoming surgery. I have the second mastectomy and reconstruction on the 5th May. I am also trying to have my ovaries removed at the same time. I’m doing it this way to minimise the amount of general anaesthetic that I have.
There’s a bunch of research that shows just how toxic the anaesthetic is and how it shortens your life. So far I’m shortened by about 15 years if you go by that theory!!! Nice huh? Lucky I was planning to live past 100 anyways……
I’m seeing some specialists next week to discuss the details of upcoming surgeries and work out a plan. It is very hard to co ordinate to have 2 different surgeons work on you at the same time.
We arrived for the chemo and I need to slow down, I need to get my head in to gear for what’s about to happen. The mind set you go in to it with is critical. I need to focus on positive, healing and strength.
Marc and I are in the swing of things now, we have activities to do, the right food too and we also make a video diary as well. We got some great pics of the staff all protected from the toxic stuff. I still feel nauseous and I have a fuzzy head, but otherwise I’m okay. I’m glad to say I will not miss this place.
I had a better night’s sleep. I woke okay with some aches and pains and really tight muscles. I’m so sorry if it sounds like I’m whinging, but I’m really trying to give you a real picture of what this is like. Not only for the benefit of someone going through this, but also for the people around that person to know exactly what it’s like.
I think a lot of people are like me and don’t really share with many people what this journey is really like. A brave face is what they wear everyday. Whilst this may help people in the short term, in the long-term everyone loses because you don’t get the true support and understanding that you need.
It’s also really unfair on the people in your world who are trying to support you but can’t when they don’t know the truth about your situation.
Today I had a really bad chemo brain. It is a shocker. I actually tried to lock the house with the car remote. I stood there for such a long time pressing the button and wondering why the door would not lock. When I realised what I was doing I just shook my head and walked away.
The day really slid downhill from there in terms of my brainpower. I met a friend for coffee and had a mentoring session that left me feeling more inspired. After that I took the dog for a walk and some lovely friends from church came and visited.
I got an email from Business Chicks to say that they would like to run an article on my story. I am really excited about this opportunity. How awesome to be able to share with other business women about my experience.
How amazing to share my struggles and my story so that they at least can learn from my mistakes. At the very least, encouraging women to ensure that they have health and income insurance in place.
It’s also Connect Group night tonight. I am back in your arms Lord, being held in prayer is such as safe and beautiful place. I begin to take the dexamphetamine again. It’s time to prepare for the next round of chemo. Yay!
The dexamphetamines kept me awake until 4:30 AM, as you can imagine I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. I think tomorrow is going to be a slow day.