Despite being so exhausted when I went to bed last night, I was awake until after 1.30 in the morning. I had so much pain in my joints that I just couldn’t sleep. Even taking some really strong pain relief I tossed and turned until 5 AM.
An absolutely awful thing about today is it’s my honey’s birthday. Hip hip hooray!!! Yeah right……. I feel like one of those dying flowers in a vase trying to look nice but failing miserably.
I tried my best to spoil him before he went to work, he seemed to appreciate the quirky gifts we got him. He’s not an easy man to buy for, whenever he sees something he likes, he usually gets it so it is very hard to surprise him.
We had a nice morning and then I do the school run, go shopping, wash the loads of dirty clothes, and do more washing and ironing. I also did the kids sheets and made their beds with new sheets. Why I decided to do this after having virtually no sleep last night I do not know. I don’t even understand myself at times….
I am so exhausted that I feel really sick. I really have no one to blame but myself. I should have stayed in bed, the chores will always wait. Somehow my mother’s guilt got the better of me.
I made Marc his birthday dinner, I felt as sick as a dog. I feel like I’m going to lose it at either end any moment. Not a nice way to try and make someone’s birthday special. I’m so exhausted I really need to sleep. I feel so selfish at the moment. I’m so focused on how bad I feel that I’m unable to give anything to anyone else. I really hate this. I am determined that his next celebration will be much more special.
I had a good sleep. As I wake I realise it’s a beautiful rainy Saturday. I love those days where you don’t have to rush out of bed, and you know you can stay in it to warm to and enjoy the day.
Marc is at work this morning. I get out of bed, finally, and start pottering about. I take Sam to the shops and run errands. When I get home I’m completely exhausted. I feel so overwhelmed, and then get really snappy with Marc. I know this isn’t fair, and I’m really sorry. He understands, as he usually does. Man I am so blessed.
We have some lunch. I decide to make a cake as our good friends are coming to visit this afternoon. I made my famous wheat, dairy and sugar free chocolate cake. I know you are saying, “What the heck has it got in it?”. But trust me, it is beautiful. One day I’ll share the recipe with you.
We had a lovely afternoon catching up with our friends, which was great. Since I got sick so many friends have stayed away, yet many have stepped up and ensured that we stay connected. I really appreciate this.
I don’t blame anyone, many people struggle to know what to say and how to be around someone when they are sick. Can I just encourage you though, it is so much better to say how you feel and support them anyway. Otherwise chronic illness is a very lonely place.
Sam goes to a friend’s house for a sleepover, Marc and I have a lovely dinner together and watch a movie. We decide on a comedy, there’s too much seriousness in our life at the moment.
We laugh ourselves silly until our tummies hurt. It’s just so fun to let go, forget whatever’s happening in your own life, and laugh. It was such a lovely night. They do say the simple things……
This morning I was optimistic, I babysat my baby niece Eliza. It was lovely to spend some time with her. Thank goodness she’s not running around just yet so I can keep up. After Eliza went home I had lunch with my sister. It was a lovely catch up but I need a Nanna nap.
I saw my gynaecologist today and was told that I can’t have my ovaries removed at the same time as my breast surgery. This really throws a spanner in the works as I really don’t want has too many general anaesthetics. I need some direction from my doctors. I refuse to panic. I’ve come too far to let panic take over now. So Lord I give this to you and I know that you have it in your hands.
I’m really tired now and seek out my mattress to rest. I wasn’t lying down too long before the kids came home from school. Then the afternoon ritual begins, it’s not a huge amount but when you are operating on empty, sometimes even breathing seems too hard. It’s about checking how the kid’s days were, considering what I will cook for dinner, working out what washing needs to be done and encouraging home work to be done.
By bedtime I am so achy and tired. I’m so desperate to sleep that my good friends – Endone and Valium will be necessary. So many decisions, so little energy to make them, some days everything seems too hard. I’m sure things will feel brighter in the morning.
I had a good sleep with some pharmaceutical help. After such a lovely day yesterday I was looking forward to another great day today. I’m greedy aren’t I?
Another excellent church service, they always speak to me in a way that I need to hear which is such a gift. I come home after church and need to sleep as I’m exhausted. Denmark wakes me at 5 o’clock. I’m so exhausted. I can’t believe more than five hours has passed and I really don’t want to get out of bed.
But it’s our Sunday night family dinner so I need to get up. My sister-in-law comes to dinner with her beautiful girl Eliza. Alison, beautiful girl, does my ironing, what an absolute blessing. At first I really struggled with her helping like this, but then as the exhaustion set in, over time I stopped fighting. I literally didn’t have the energy.
After dinner my entire body is aching, I’m sore, can’t think straight, blinking is hard, and all I can think about is bed. I really can’t explain to you just how tired I feel. It is like a beast I’ve never experienced before.
I feel some guilt as I struggle to spend quality time with my family. This was always something that was so important to me yet being so exhausted I can’t keep my eyes open. I’m not even listening when people speak to me because I’m so preoccupied with the pain I feel. How on earth am I meant to live like this?
So I crawl into bed praying that tomorrow is a better day. It’s my man’s birthday tomorrow, I pray that he is blessed and feels loved as much as we really love him.