Bald Barren And Boobless

An honest and comical reflection of my journey through breast cancer

Month: May 2015

Off To Market

MarketsSo today is day 10 post chemo.  In chemo terms, I am past the worst of this round.  I slept okay again, got up and walked again.  I feel sore but I’m telling myself it’s a good sore.

It’s funny, after you’ve been through so much, had so much surgery, treatment, poking, prodding, poisoning, cutting, burning, slicing, the word sore takes on a whole new meaning.  That’s why something as small as telling myself it’s a good sore is so important.

Today I met my good friend Chris at the markets; we had a really fun day.  I’m exhausted after walking around for a couple of hours.

I bought some beautiful new earrings and a hat to hide my scone head.

It was lovely being out and about in society again.  It’s amazing how you hide yourself away when you go through chronic illness.  My bedroom has become my haven, my safety zone, my escape.  Nothing can hurt me there, no one can laugh and there is no judgment, only rest and comfort.

For anyone else this would have been a small day, but it was a big day for me.  Tonight I’ll have a quiet night at home with my pain and fatigue as my companions.

Just Walking the Dog

DogWalkingI slept okay and Marc left early this morning. I have decided to try some light exercise today after school drop-off. I walked our pup down to the chemist and back, my new best friend. This was her first walk an important milestone. There’s a long way from both of us to go yet but it was great.

I am committing to walking my pup  every second day and then building up to daily.  I need to do this for both hers and my benefit.  She has so much energy, and needs to use it.  I have none but know walking will help me feel better and also help get all of the toxins out of my system.  Besides what could be better than walking in the sunshine, puppy bouncing by my side???

I met two people on the way to chat to; it’s amazing how interesting puppy makes you. When I got home I stretched and then did some errands, these things never seem to end.

I slept for two hours this afternoon and tonight I see Peter Walsh with my sister-in-law.  You know Oprah’s go to de-clutter guy? if you don’t know who he is check him out here.  Don’t know how late this will go but we’ll see, I’m excited to be going out and doing something fun. I’m quite sore after my walk but it’s a start.

I feel I’m ripe for a de clutter moment.  It’s funny how when your life is put on “hold” how much crap builds up, then it just seems to grow and take on a life of its own…..  Maybe I should adopt Peter?

So, tonight we actually met Peter Walsh, what an awesome guy! We were in the upstairs lobby and he walked straight up to us like he knew us and said “hi” to my sister in law. Now she’s in love with him, with de cluttering and all things organisational so she nearly fainted. He said a name that was not hers. She politely said her name was Alison and he said, “wow you are the spitting image of one of my best friends”

Totally made her night, and why not!

How bizarre…. her doppelgänger is her decluttering idols bestie.

It was a great night out. It felt good to do something normal like go out. So simple but it has not been a part of my life for months now.  I need to try and do some more of this when I feel up to it.  I am sure it will help me get better and back to the land of the normal, whatever that is….

Still circling in the woods

dark-forestI slept!!! Yay! Marc and my step daughter are off to school early. I am feeling ok but still have this pure acid diarrhoea and fatigue. After I do the school drop off, I have a small rest then am off to the psychologist.

I have been finding this really helpful just to make sure I am supporting my self along this journey. People have told me that I should be feeling lost of grieving or, hopeless etc. I have not really felt any of these things that intensely, so I am just checking in and ensuring I am giving myself whatever I need.

I am craving the quick fix sugar again, this has to stop, I know how bad it is for me and how it makes me feel. I still think this is because I am so freaking tired all the time.

After my appointment I rested, did my errands and appointments and needed to return to bed. This frustrates me a little but I cannot argue. I am sure this fatigue will continue at least until chemotherapy finishes which is still 6 weeks and then goodness knows how long recovery from that and further surgery will be??

I have eaten so much sugary crap today it is awful. I’m like an addict looking for a hit, but nothing works. This needs to stop; I know I am not helping myself. I feel so bad physically regardless so I know it is not helping.

I have decided that tomorrow I m going to have 2 green whole veg and fruit smoothies each day, breakfast and lunch. I am also aiming to stop sugar completely.  I was sugar free before chemo, not any more :(

I may have leaped too far, raised my expectations too much. Welcome to my black and white world. Just the other day I was giving myself a leave pass, now I have circled back the other way. Wowser, are you as confused as I am. I suppose this is what happens when you openly share your thoughts on a daily basis.

I am just so desperate to feel better I don’t know what else to do. So I go from extreme to extreme. Balance is the key, how do I find it?? Kindness and self-compassion is also the key, am I doing this?? The extreme guilt I feel tells me “No.”

So starting tomorrow I will aim to have 2 smoothies each day and I will share a recipe.

Kylie’s Green Healing Smoothie

Handful of kale,

Handful of baby spinach

2 tsp Vital greens

30g Protein powder  (I usually use chocolate flavour)

¼ cup blueberries

ice

1 tbsp cacao powder

Wizz away in the nutribullet (or a strong blender) and enjoy.  Lets see how I go hey? Wish me luck.